All I Have
by NotEvenTheTrees
Summary: Something's very wrong with Bella & Edward. Jacob can't figure out what it is. As Bella's life crumbles, he must decide what's more important: their illicit romance or making her whole again. But how can Jake help Bella if she's unwilling to help herself?
1. Autumn: Lines

**Hello, everyone! I made my goal of getting 5 chapters off to **llynn20** (who is returning the beta-ing favor in a fabulous way) by today, so I am posting the first chapter of this new story! **

**Here's some background: I LOVE Mat Kearney. It's actually quite sad. But, anyway, I've wanted to write something based around his song All I Have for a long time and finally just decided to it. There is a link to the lyrics on my profile. This will be a four part story based around the seasons of the year. It's told from Jacob's point of view. I suppose I should warn you in advance that it's a Jake and Bella story. But! The odd thing? I am very much on Team Edward... I just have a hard time writing him. I think his personality is just kind of... stiff. Jake seems much more flexible and fun. So I tend to write from his point of view. Don't let it be a turn off. **

**I don't think I really need to tell anyone that I don't own any of these characters. But I will anyway. I don't own any of these characters. They all belong to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer. Speaking of... did anyone get to watch Oprah yesterday? I have it DVR'd but I didn't get a chance to watch... must do that this weekend.**

**Okay, enjoy!**

* * *

**Part One: Autumn**

_Here we go at it three years later  
Will you help me to dream it all up again?  
Tired of the same song everyone's singing  
Rather be lost with you instead  
_

**Chapter One: Lines**

It is one of those perfect fall days that make me feel like I'm not in the middle of the city. The trees are just starting to turn, bits of gold and scarlet and orange peeking through the deep green of the leaves.

The path is overcrowded with both tourists and locals, more so than usual. I guess nobody wanted to waste the warm fall day. My music was blaring in my ears, loud and full of beat. It felt good to stretch my muscles up and down the hilly path.

I finally made it to the final uphill stretch that leads out of the park and back to reality. Pushing myself, I pick up the pace and start up the hill.

Totally absorbed in my music, I almost run over the person who's just jumped in my path. I screech to a halt, pissed.

"Hey, Jake. What's up man?"

Panting, I try and speak. I can't; I'm too winded and startled. But I can glare. And glare I do.

"I tried calling your name, but you didn't hear me." I point to the earbuds in my ears. "Oh, my bad."

"Yeah," I wheeze out. "Your bad."

"Some of the crew's about to start up a game of kickball. Want to play?"

I eye the last 500 yards of the path. My rhythm is totally broken and I won't regain it before I'm out of the park. I shrug, conceding. "Sure, Sam. I'll play."

We started out with a small crowd, but quickly it grew to the point of overcrowding. Random people had been joining and everyone was starting to lose focus. It was a weird group though; one where everyone knew at least one other someone.

I didn't want the game to end; I wanted to soak up the last bit of late summer sun. And I was having a blast. It had been a few weeks since everyone had been together. And the add-on players all seemed pretty cool. Plus, in a few months, it would be too cold to play at all.

"Last inning," Sam bellowed from my right where he was playing third base.

I'd never seen the girl who was kicking before, so I assumed she was one of the random players.

"Take it easy on me; I've never done this before!" She calls to me where I stand on the mound.

"We'll take it nice and slow," I call back, not trying to hide the flirtation from my words. I lob the ball toward her, slow and straight, something I know she will connect with. Her face scrunches up in concentration and just when the ball is about to sail past her, she charges it and kicks it, hard.

"Run, Bella, run!" The sidelines cheer her on. But, she stands there for a minute, watching the ball sail through the air before jump starting herself and running towards first. The ball lands right between the outfielders, who toss it back to second base. The girl, Bella, stays on first.

Before I pitch again, this time for a tall guy dressed too nice for kickball, I look over at Bella. She is breathing hard, more from excitement rather than the running, I think.

"Next time you won't take it easy on me, will ya?" She asks with a grin.

"No, I guess I won't," I respond, laughing.

Two kickers later, she scores.

At the end of the inning, I ask for her number.

"Why should I give it to you?" She chides me, feigning severity.

"Cause I'm fun," I tell her. "And you'd have fun with me."

"Fun, huh? Is that the best you've got?" She says, crossing her arms over her chest, staring me down.

Going for broke, and for a laugh, I throw out my best one-liner. "I feel like Richard Gere standing next to you. That makes you the Pretty Woman."

She busts into laughter. "That's a good one. But… you just called me a hooker. Got anything else up your sleeve?"

"If I gave it all to you now, what would we have for later?"

"Ha. You assume there's going to be a later!" She's still smiling, so I don't think she's too staid. "It was great to meet you, Jacob, but I'd better get going." She points to one Mr. Serious who's pacing back and forth grumbling while shooting me nasty looks. I wave at him.

"You too, Bella," I say as she walks away.

I smack my hand to my forehead, like I've just remembered the most important thing. "Oh, hey, Bella! Wait a second!"

She turns around, now walking backwards. "What if I don't have a second?"

I wiggle my hands around in my empty pockets. "Do you have a quarter?" I try my best to look as needy as possible.

She stops. "What? A quarter?"

"Yeah, I need to call my mom and tell her I met the girl of my dreams."

She laughs and keeps walking.

_

* * *

**One Week Later**_

"Jake! I'm not waiting for you any longer!"

"I'm coming!" I yell down the hallway towards the front door where Leah, my roommate, is standing. Her hand is already on the doorknob, ready to bolt.

I eye the piles of clothes in my floor. One of them is clean and one is dirty. But I can't seem to remember which is which. My closet is a mess; instead of everything being in its proper place on the hangers, my shirts are all jumbled on the floor.

"No you're not! You're standing in your room like an idiot wondering what you have that's clean and nice enough to wear tonight." She starts tapping her black heel impatiently. "You are not going to make me late again."

I am so busted.

"Five minutes? Please, Lee Lee?" I hoping her childhood nickname will win her over; I stick my head out of my room and bat my eyelashes. "Please?"

"Three. At three minutes, one second, I'm leaving."

"Thanks, Leah." I pull back into my room and look over the piles once more. So far, I've succeeded in pulling on a barely wrinkled pair of black pants, black socks and shoes.

I pull out a blue shirt from the pile and smell it. "Ugh. Bar." It goes back in the pile. I riffle through the other pile, coming up with a dark blue shirt. I smell it. "Potential." I toss it on the bed.

"Here."

I turn around to see Leah standing in my doorframe holding out a pressed white shirt and a tie.

"Just put it on." I take the clothes and smile at her.

"I'd be lost without you, Lee. Thanks." I really am grateful for her. She's been taking care of me for longer than I can even remember.

She blushes. "One minute," she says before turning and stomping back to her position by the front door.

In three more minutes, I'm ready.

And she's still waiting. Like I knew she'd be.

I open the front door. "After you." I sweep my arm out, awkwardly bowing as she passes.

Halfway to Sam and Emily's I realize I have a problem. I stop walking, people weaving around us.

"Uh, Leah? I kinda don't have a gift."

"Really, Jake? Really? Can you not get anything together this week? What's wrong with you?"

"I don't know! My head's all whumpfuzzled. Lots on my mind," I mumble.

"Well, you'd better un-whump-whatever it. I'm not saving you on this one. But you'd better not show up to their engagement party empty handed." She clicks off down the street leaving me standing there.

I don't get her. Just because she thinks she's perfect doesn't mean I have to be, too. So what I've been a little distracted this week. There's been a lot going on!

I keep trudging down the street, wondering what I can take to Sam and Emily's last minute that won't be too horrible. I've never been good with gifts. Leah always helps me pick out stuff. She even picks out her own presents that I'm supposed to get her.

A blaring car horn stops me in my tracks. My head snaps up—for all the attention I've been paying, I could be in the middle of an intersection and not know—looking for the danger. I'm safely in the middle of the sidewalk, but a lady in front of me is yelling her head off at the cab that almost clipped her.

"Hello! Walking here! Are you blind?" She waves her arms, both of which have filled grocery bags in them, at the cabbie who flicks her off as he speeds away. She turns around to take a step onto the sidewalk and hits the ground. One minute she's standing, and the next she's on the pavement. Her groceries have spilled out of both bags and are all around her.

At first she sits there, stunned. Then she starts laughing. I mean, hysterically laughing.

I approach her quickly. "Are you okay? Did it hurt?"

"No, no, I'm okay. Thanks, though." She moves to start collecting her groceries.

"No, I mean, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

"What?" She turns around, all huffy and offended. "What gives—Oh. It's you!" She smiles at me then and I offer her my hand to pull her off the ground. "You have a thing with pick up lines, then?"

I start picking up cans of soup and frozen bags of veggies and freshly bruised tomatoes. "Nah, not really. Pick up lines are our thing, Bella."

She laughs. "We have a thing?"

"We do now." I take her other bag from her and lead her to a bench beside the corner store. I make her sit. "Are you okay? Really?"

"I'm fine! I'm just clumsy as hell. I fall all the time."

"Did you know your elbow is bleeding?" I take her arm in my hands, turning it so I can see how badly she's hurt.

"It's just a scratch. This was tame compared to what I've done before."

"I'd hope getting knocked about by a car would top the list?"

"Hum, I guess it would," she concedes. "Thankfully, that didn't happen today."

"Thankfully," I agree. "Now, about this elbow."

"I've got it covered, Jacob." She reaches into her purse and pulls out a first aid kit. I'm pleasantly surprised she remembered my name.

"Okay, if you carry around a fully stocked first aid kit, you must me more of a klutz that I could imagine."

"You have no idea." She hands me an alcohol wipe and a Band-Aid. "Do you mind? Little hard to reach your own elbow."

Once the alcohol wipe is open, I gingerly rub it over her scrape, wiping off the gravel and blood. She winces, but only slightly.

"Sorry, I'm sure it hurts." I resist the temptation to blow on her scrape to ease the stinging.

"Not too bad. I'm used to it, truthfully."

I peel back the wrapper from the bandage. "Scooby Doo?" The bright yellow bandage has mini Scooby's all over it.

"Yeah," she admits sheepishly. "They were on sale! I go through a lot…"

I peel off the tabs over the adhesive and place it over the scrape, rubbing down the edges to make sure they stuck.

Impulsively, I kiss the bandage.

Bella looks at me like I've lost my mind. "Did you just kiss my bandaged elbow?"

"Well, yeah. Aren't kisses supposed to make it all better?"

"That's what they say," she tells me with a smile. "You're looking awfully nice tonight, Jacob. Big plans?"

"I'm late for a party. And I still have to get a gift. I can't go empty handed. Leah will be so mad at me."

"Leah?"

I smile. She's so hooked. "Leah's my roommate. Who is already mad enough because she had to wait on me to get ready. And then I forgot a gift. I'm not off to a good start tonight."

"Okay, then. Let's not get you into anymore trouble with your 'roommate.'" She winks at me. "Who's getting married?"

"Sam and Emily; they're both good friends. They just moved into their apartment, so it's kind of a house warming, too."

Bella jumps up, pulling me with her. "This is easy. Take them a bottle of wine, some flowers and some cheese."

"Cheese?" The wine and the flowers I get, but cheese?

"Yeah, something to eat with the wine. Come on, let's go." Bella practically drags me around the corner by the hand. She doesn't release me until we're standing outside of a small neighborhood grocery. The one Leah and I shop at every week.

"I feel like I was just here," she says. "Oh wait! I was. But my tomatoes are all ruined now."

We go inside and she helps me pick out a bottle of red wine, some cheese and crackers and flowers. Soon my arms are full. I had the lady my card, she swipes it and I pocket it before gathering everything off the counter.

"Hey! Your receipt!" The cashier calls back to us. I'm already out the door but Bella is still inside so she goes back in to grab it. A few seconds she comes back out and pushes the receipt into my front pocket. I think I manage to turn a little pink.

We stand there kind of awkward for a minute. I'm not going to ask her for her number again. She already shot me down once and even though I'm pretty sure she'd give it to me this time, I don't want to risk it.

"Okay, I'm off this way." I gesture over my shoulder. "Are you sure you'll be okay? No more rogue sidewalks to battle?"

"No," she says laughing. "I'll be fine. Thanks for fixing up my elbow."

"You're welcome, Bella. Thanks for getting me out of hot water tonight."

"I'll see you around, Jacob. I'm sure of it." She winks at me again and starts off down the street.

* * *

**AN: Just like with Seventeen Forever, I'll post teasers for the upcoming chapters on my FF blog, which you can check out at: noteventhetreesff (dot) wordpress (dot) com. There's a link on my profile. I love visitors! :) Oh, and would anyone like to see a playlist for the story? I have one made and can certainly put it online somewhere if need be!**


	2. Autumn: Surprises

**Hello, folks! Happy, happy Friday! Don't know about you, but I am so very glad it's Friday. It's Girls Weekend at the beach and I am so ready to be on the road! Yay sand and ocean and wind and sunsets!**

**Here's the disclaimer part: I don't own any of this. I don't even have any original characters I can claim. They all belong to SM. Not me. Sigh. **

**I don't really know how I got so lucky to get to beta such a great story (**My Heart With You**) by such a lovely lady **llynn20**. But I am even luckier that we have become friends. It makes my heart happy. :) **llynn20** is beta-ing for me on this adventure. She's doing a fab-o job. Links to her story and profile are on my profile.**

**Teaser for Chapter Three will post this afternoon on my blog noteventhetreesff (dot) wordpress (dot) com. Come visit! **

**

* * *

**

**Part One: Autumn**

_Here we go at it three years later  
Will you help me to dream it all up again?  
Tired of the same song everyone's singing  
Rather be lost with you instead _

**Chapter Two**  
**Surprises**

I start off for Sam and Emily's apartment, which is really only around the corner from mine and Leah's.

Of all the people I could have run into tonight, it had to be Bella. I'd be lying if I said she didn't cross my mind several times over the past week, but I never expected to see her again. She must live nearby if we shop at the same grocery store. Small world. I wonder why I haven't met her before.

I can hear the party before I'm even up the stairs to Sam and Emily's. Music is flowing down the stairs to my ears; I think it might be Journey, maybe? The higher I climb, the clearer it gets. It's Journey all right. Then I hear the crowd. They're laughing and cheering and, plainly, it sounds like I'm missing a great party.

I am hardly through the door before Leah pounces on me.

"Where have you been? I've been here for almost an hour!"

"Sorry, Lee. I had a emergency rescue mission but I did bring presents!" I hold up the flowers and the wine. The cheese and crackers dangle from my wrist in the grocery bag.

She eyes me skeptically. "You picked this out?"

"Well, it all has to do with the rescue mission. See, what had happened was—"

"Jake! You made it!" Sam interrupted, shoving people out of the way to get to me by the door. "I was getting worried and Leah wouldn't tell me anything other than 'he's coming' in that huffy way she says things!"

"Standing right here, Sam," Leah sighs. Sometimes the two of them can be so immature. Just because Sam broke up with Leah for Emily and now they're getting married isn't _that_ big a deal. They dated years and years ago. But somehow, Leah says, Emily was in violation of some girl code or something and things just haven't been quite right since. Not that you'd know it talking to Emily. She's never been nothing but nice to Leah.

I steer the conversation clear of any kind of bad vibes. "I brought necessary and vital stuffs for your new home!"

"Emily!" Sam bellows. I can tell he's had quite a few already. "Jake's here! Jake, my man!" Sam's the kind of guy who loves everyone when he drinks. Except for Leah. He tends to be more hostile to her.

Emily finally makes it to where we're still standing by the door. She gives me a hug. "Congrats," I tell them. "I'm really happy for you guys."

I can practically hear the eye rolling I know Leah's doing. I ignore her. I _am_ happy for my best friend.

"Thanks, Jake. Glad you could make it." Emily says graciously.

I hold up the flowers, wine and snacks. "For your living room, kitchen and stomach."

"They're wonderful," Emily says, taking the flowers from me. "Come with me, Jake. Let's get these in some water."

I follow her into the kitchen, greeting our friends along the way.

"Who helped you pick this out, Jake?" Emily calls me out on the gifts.

"Uh, is it that obvious?" My shoulders slump a little.

"If it were really left to you, you would have shown up with a case of beer or nothing at all." Before I can get out my retort, Emily continues. "Not that I don't love you Jake, you know I do, but you and preparation aren't the closest of friends. What happened?"

So as she cuts off the stems of the giant bouquet of flowers I can't name, I tell her about Bella and the sidewalk. "She helped me pick this out. If I hadn't seen her, I probably would have just brought some beer."

"Which you and Sam would have had a great time drinking, I'm sure." She smiles at me as she finishes arranging the flowers. "There. Perfect." She eyes the living room through the open bar window. "I'd probably better leave them in here if I want them to survive the evening. Do you think you'll see her again?"

I shrug, shoving my hands deep into my pockets. "I don't know how I will. I don't know where she lives. I think it's somewhere close by, but I'm not sure. I don't have her number or anything." My fingers find the receipt from the store. I pull it out, turning it over a couple of times before tossing it in the trash.

"Wait!" Emily runs over to the trashcan and picks up the receipt. She flips it over showing me the back. "Thought you didn't have her number, huh? Guessyou were wrong."

On the back of the receipt are the words:

_I heard you lost your number, so I thought I'd give you mine. _

Bella printed her number right below.

I bust into laughter.

"What?" Emily questions.

"She's classic. Both times I've meet Bella I've thrown out pick up lines at her."

"No, Jake, tell me you didn't!"

"Not for serious, just as a joke. She totally threw one back at me. 'I lost my number, can I have yours?' Get it?"

"Get what?" Leah's come into the kitchen undoubtedly to see what was taking so long. "What's so funny?"

Emily is sputtering out laughs now too. "Jake… pick up lines… Bella… her number," is all she can get out.

Leach snatches the paper out of my hands. "Let me see this." She examines it thoroughly. "Its probably not even her real number anyway," she says, handing it back over.

I snatch it from her hand. "You're sure surly tonight, Leah."

She doesn't say anything. She just crosses her arms over her chest and looks at me. Like I'm supposed to know what's going on in her head. Yeah, right.

I go back to the party, leaving Leah in the kitchen with Emily, where she will undoubtedly try and make Emily mad at her and not succeed. Leah's the only one who can't let the past go. She must like rubbing salt in wounds that only she won't let heal.

* * *

"I think we had to much fun tonight, Lee Lee." I swing my arm around her as we walk down the sidewalk.

She puts hers around my waist. "No such thing as too much fun," she hiccups. I laugh.

"Why'd you get so mad at me tonight, Lee?"

"Oh, Jake, let's not talk about this now. Let's just be happy drunks together."

"Okay," I agree. "What do you want to do tomorrow?"

"Be hungover. What do you want to do?"

"Probably the same." We walk along for a few minutes. "Pancakes!" I cry.

"Oh my gosh, how could we forget about pancakes?"

"Pancakes it is then."

We finally come crashing into the apartment. Leah stumbles off to her room. I walk into mine, hating that it's a mess. Tomorrow, hungover or not, I will get my laundry done. And fix my closet.

I change into sleep clothes, actually taking the time to hang up the white shirt Leah magically produced for me earlier.

"Jake?" Leah calls from her room.

"Yeah?" I call back.

"Can you come here?"

I head into her room, which, of course, is spotless and perfect. She's lying in her bed, on her side, covers bunched at the bottom of the bed.

"Can you tuck me in?"

Leah doesn't ask for much. She pretty much keeps me in line most of the time. Keeps me on time, prepared for stuff, waits on me when I'm late. So I kinda figure the least I can do in return is tuck her in when she's drunk. "Sure," I tell her. She pulls her legs up, curling into a ball, already close to being asleep. I pull her green, blue and pink comforter and sheets over her, tucking the edges around her shape.

"Snug as a bug…" I start.

"… in a rug," she finishes, falling asleep.

I bend down and place a kiss on her forehead.

"Love you," she mumbles.

"You too, Lee."

* * *

"Wake up, Jake." My shoulder is being shaken and I do not like it.

"Go away," I grumble. I'd roll over, but my body feels like a dead, fallen tree log.

The voice sighs. "I'm not moving till you take these Tylenol."

I open one eye. Only slightly. Leah's standing there in blue sleep shorts and a tank top, holding out her left hand. In her right is a glass of water. "Come on, take them. It will help."

I flop my arm out of the bed, palm up, and she the deposits the little magic pills in my hand. I put them in my mouth and reach for the water. I sit up enough to down it. As soon as I'm done, I give her back the glass and flop back on my pillows.

"Not so fast, mister. You're forgetting its Sunday morning… and what happens on Sunday mornings?"

My mind is trying to process what Leah's asking me, I know the answer is something important, but its not coming to me. "Uhhh…"

"Pancakes!" She shouts, too loud for my pounding head. At the mention of my very favorite food, I am awake. I can deal with the headache and log-like body as long as I have food.

"Pancakes," I repeat, grinning. "Five minutes."

I'm ready in two. Nothing gets me moving like breakfast food.

"I never have to wait on you when it comes to food," Leah tells me as we start out the door.

"And you never look hungover," I grumble back to her. She's abandoned her sleep shorts for a pair of skinny jeans and a hoodie. I, however, am still in my pajamas.

"Aren't you going to freeze?" She gives my gym shorts and t-shirt a once over.

"Nah, I run hot. Come on, I'm starving."

There's a wait at the Biscuit. There's always a wait at the Biscuit on Sunday mornings. Using our status as known regulars, we manage to convince the hostess to give us a pot of coffee while we wait. We sit outside on the edge of a brick planter that runs around a tree. The morning is chilly. We're going to be into frosty mornings soon. I'm not cold even though my extremities are all exposed. Leah's shivering so hard I'm afraid she's going to spill her coffee. I scoot closer and wrap my arm around her.

"Why are you always so warm? I don't get it." She snuggles into my side.

"Good genetics, roomie."

Finally, they call our name. We follow the hostess to our table.

"Hey, is it hot in here? Or is it just you?" My head whips around at the sound of Bella's voice. She's sitting in a booth a few back from ours.

"Thought you didn't like the lines?" I'm grinning like an idiot. I'm really pleased to see her.

"They're our thing, remember?" She's grinning back.

"Yeah, they are."

Leah bumps me out of the way. "Hi, I'm Leah."

"Hey, Leah. Jake's told me about you." I'm impressed that she knows my nickname, but not as much as the fact that she's using it.

It flusters Leah. "Huh. Well, Jake's a _great_ roommate." I'm not sure if I understand the connotation she's put into words. Or if I want to understand. Leah links her arm through mine. "You must be the one that fell down last night."

"That's me. The Clumsy Express. Jake did a great job bandaging me up." She shows Leah her Scooby Doo Band-Aid. "Kissed it and everything." She smiles at Leah, triumphant.

"Whatever," Leah huffs and sits down in our booth.

I slide into Bella's booth, on the empty side. "Are you eating alone? You can join us."

She peeks around me at Leah. "I think your table's already full, but thanks."

"So I found this slip of paper in my pocket last night…"

"Oh, you did, did you?"

"Do I have to wait and call you or can I just ask you out now?"

She looks past me, somewhere behind me. "I think you'd better wait and call me," she says hurriedly.

"Hello, my name is Edward Cullen." Mr. Serious from the kickball game is standing at the table, looking at me. Still fuming. Still serious.

"Uh, hi. Jacob Black."

"How do you know Bella?" He questions me.

"We kinda just keep bumping into each other." I don't know why, but I feel the need to defend myself.

Their waitress appears with heaping platters of food. "Well, if you'd excuse us, Jacob, our food is here."

"Yeah, sure." I slide out of the booth. "Bella, I'll talk to you later." She cringes.

By the time I get back to Leah, she's staring unabashedly at Bella and Edward.

"I don't know what you said to him, but he looks pissed."

I turn around to see for myself. Bella has her head bowed, hands folded in her lap. Although I can't hear what Edward's saying, it doesn't look pleasant. He's pointing his finger and making some crazy hand movements. The air seems to crackle around him with his anger.

Bella slowly lifts her eyes up, only to see me looking at her. So slightly that it could have been missed, she shakes her head at me and lowers her eyes. Edward's so mad he didn't notice.

I don't know what's going on with him or her for that matter, but something seems off. I can't imagine the Bella that I've met would put up with someone talking to her like that. It makes me mad. No one should be talked to like that.

I move to slide out of the booth, but Leah puts her arm on mine. "Just leave it. You don't know what's going on."

"But—"

"Leave it Jake."

Leah would know better how to read girl body language than me, so I let it go. We finish our first pot of coffee and order another, along with our first batch of pancakes.

The waitress barely has them on the table before I pounce on them. They are slathered in real butter, melted between each hotcake, and covered in warm syrup. I cut a huge bite and shove it into my mouth, where it instantly melts. I shove in another bite.

"Can you at least act like you're in public, please? Try not to eat like a wild beast?"

"Sorry," I mumble around the half pancake that is now in my mouth. "They're yummy."

"Jake, you're so gross," Leah says, but with a smile.

I get so engrossed in the wonderfulness that is the pancakes on my plate, I forget about Bella. When the waitress comes back with round two for me, I remember. But, when I turn around again, Bella and Edward are gone.

* * *

**AN: Comments are always welcome! Please feel free to leave some! :)**


	3. Autumn: Calls

**Suitcase... check.**  
**Extra long towel... check.**  
**Bathing suit... check.**  
**Sunscreen... check.**  
**Books... check.**  
**Um, can't think of anything else I'll need... guess I can be lake bound today at 5! YAY holiday weekend! **

**Many kudos go out to my fic wife llynn20 who helps make this little writing adventure best it can be. Have fun this weekend, har har. Oh, and I'll let you have Peter Bradley Adams if you surrender Mat once and for all... hehe  
**

**I don't own any character or song involved with this story... which is quite fortunate really. Because if I did life would be drastically different and I like my life the way it is, thanks.**

* * *

**Part One: Autumn**

_Here we go at it three years later  
Will you help me to dream it all up again?_  
_Tired of the same song everyone's singing  
Rather be lost with you instead _

**Chapter Three****: Calls**

I don't know why I'm sweating this so much. It's just a phone call and I have waited the appropriately mandated three days. I chance a look at my phone where it sits on my dresser.

Oh this is stupid. I stomp over to my phone, pick it up and punch in Bella's number from the back of my grocery receipt.

It rings. Once. Twice. Three times. And her voicemail picks up.

"_Hi, you've reached Bella. Sorry I've missed you, but leave a message and I'll get back with you as soon as I can. Thanks!"_

"Hey, Bella, its Jacob… you know, your own personal pick up line thrower outer guy. Just calling to see what you're up to. Call me when you get a chance." I rattle off my number and hang up. "Personal pick up line thrower outer guy?" Where do I come up with this stuff? I wouldn't blame her if she never calls me back.

With nothing better to do, I join Leah in the living room where she's catching up on her DVR'd shows.

"Why are you looking at your phone every five seconds? It's annoying."

"Oh, sorry." I didn't even know I'd been doing it.

"You called her, didn't you?" Leah stares at me, looking slightly disgusted.

"What's your problem, Leah? Why can't I call her?"

"For one, she's obviously got a boyfriend. Need I remind you of his attitude at the Biscuit?"

"If she was that serious with him, she wouldn't have given me her number." But she does make a good point. And his attitude? Yeah, totally uncalled for.

"Whatever. I don't like her." She turns back to the TV, deciding that the conversation is over. I decide it's not.

"Why don't you like her? You don't even _know_ her." We go through this every time I even think about trying to date someone. Leah gets surly, has an attitude, and eventually shows her tail whenever I get around to bringing someone home. I don't think she means anything by it, but still. It gets old.

"She just looks like she's a bitch. And, she's got to be skanktastic too if she's dating McSerious and—"

"McSerious? Really?"

"—giving you her number too. She's just asking for it." She turns the volume up on the TV, removing my ability to say anything to her at all.

But I'm not really mad. Leah's just being Leah.

Leaving her to stew, I get up and head back to my room to change into running clothes.

"Where are you going now?" Leah whines to me as I'm leaving.

"Running, McGrumpy. Do I need your approval to do that, too?"

* * *

As soon as my feet hit the pavement, I'm running.

I feel very Forrest Gump-esque.

I shake the thought out of my head with a laugh.

There's nothing in the world that compares to the freedom I get from running. It's me, the path, the sky and the music. I don't like running with other people. They like to talk. I like to get lost in my iPod.

I take the usual path down into the park, dodging kids and dogs and old people along the way. There's a reason I run here. There aren't any cars that can hit me because I don't hear them. I only want to hear the music in my ears.

In just the past week or so, the trees have gone from barely turning to full on colorful. It's just the beginning of autumn, but the air is already crisp and holds a chill. I'm not worried about getting cold though; I warm up the longer I run. It's going to be beautiful when the trees are fully turned.

The path and I wind up and down, in and out of the trees, and finally flatten out around the small lake at the center of the park. The path runs straight for a pretty good bit there. I push myself harder, faster until I'm in a full out sprint. The air is coming in and out, in and out of my lungs, Vampire Weekend's "Giving Up the Gun" is blaring, until then just when my lungs and body hit capacity, I stop.

Catching my breath, I stretch out my legs on one of the nearby benches. My head feels so clear after a run like this.

And then it's suddenly filled with Bella.

I find I don't care if she's dating McSerious. If she didn't want me to know how to find her, she would have kept that information to herself. But, she was the one who gave me her number. I didn't ask. I'm not going to feel bad about calling her.

I finish stretching out my legs and change the playlist on my iPod to something much more fitting for the slow jog I'm about to start. I scroll through my playlist, finally settling on some Coldplay. As "Life in Technicolor" starts up, I start jogging. Keeping my eyes focused on the horizon, paying no attention to anything but the path ahead and the music in my ears.

Something wallops me from behind. On the butt. I'm so taken aback, I keep moving, trying to shake it off. Until it happens again. I throw on the brakes and whirl around only to find Bella standing behind me, rocking back and forth on her toes, arms clasped behind her back, trying to look innocent.

"What are you doing?" I ask her.

"Why, whatever do you mean?"

"Did you _hit _me?" I ask her, incredulous. "On my _butt_?"

"Me? Why would I hit you? I just happened to be sitting over there when this whirl of white and red came blurring by. I don't know what you're talking about." She smiles, trying to play it off.

"Sure. Whatever." I raise my arms above my head, letting my muscles stretch. "Why are you stalking me anyway?"

"Ha!" She points her finger at me with her other hand on her hip. The hip hand has a thick book in it. "You think I'm stalking you? Right, funny." She strides back to the bench she must have been sitting on. "I'm just here to read my book. You're the one that came prancing by."

"I do not prance. I run. Which I am going to finish." I turn to leave, but think better of it. "Do you want to walk with me?"

She looks around, like someone's watching her, nibbling her lower lip. "I guess that'd be okay."

"You don't have to." I don't want to make her. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to.

"No, I want to. Let's go." She starts off down the path. Two strides and I've caught up with her.

"Do you run here a lot?"

"Yeah, a few days a week. It's a good release. Lets me clear my head."

She sighs. "I know what you mean. I like to come down here and read just to get out of the apartment. It can get a little claustrophobic sometimes."

"Do live alone?"

"No," she says vaguely.

"Roommates?" I prompt.

"You could call him that."

I let it drop. She's telling me she lives with Edward without telling me. If she's living with him, she's got to at least be a little serious.

"I tried to call you today." I figure I can try to determine what's going on with Edward and Bella.

"Oh, yeah?" She brightens visibly. "My phone's at home. Something to look forward to, huh?" She bumps me playfully with her hip.

I don't get this girl. Here she is, telling me she lives with her boyfriend and yet very clearly flirting with me. I feel like I'm in one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't situations: if I make the effort, I'm not going to get anywhere since she's attached to—and living with—McSerious. They must have something good going for them to be living together. But then again, I don't really know what the inside of their relationship, or lack thereof, looks like, so I might miss out if I don't act on the flirtations. Wishful thinking.

I wish women were easier to understand.

I decide to just roll with it. She's on the inside of their relationship; she knows what's okay for her to do and not to do. I'm not going to pass judgment, especially if that judgment would keep me from hanging out with the brunette walking beside me.

"But, I didn't leave you a line. I figure I've already accomplished the whole picking you up thing with my mad skills from before."

We laugh. She's got a great laugh. Loud and boisterous. Lively.

We walk for a little bit, just enjoying the company, talking about nothing in particular.

"You really didn't see me back there?"

"No. I get so focused on the run, I don't see anything else."

"I shouted your name. Did you not hear that?"

"Nope, music's too loud."

"What do you listen to when you run?"

"Um, it depends on what kind of running I'm doing. If I'm pushing it, there's a playlist of songs I like. If I'm just warming up or jogging, I like other stuff."

"Helpful, thanks." She reaches up to where my ear buds are wrapped around my neck, pulls one down and sticks it in her ear.

"How do you stand it that loud?" She shouts at me over the music.

"I like it like that," I shout back. But I turn the volume down anyway.

She keeps the bud in her ear, listening. I stick the other one in mine and we finish the walk back to the street that way, enjoying the randomness of my iPod together. We cycle through U2, The Fray, Lady Gaga, and Michael Jackson. She laughs that I have "girly" music like Taylor Swift. But she sings along, so I know she likes it.

When we emerge from the fake forest back into city life, she looks around, scanning the crowd on the sidewalks as if she's looking for someone. Oddly, she seems to relax when she doesn't find what she's looking for.

The walk home isn't far. And I was right when I thought Bella lived around the corner, because she literally lives around the corner. Her building faces one street and ours faces the cross street.

"I guess I've got it from here," she tells me.

"I'm this close; I might as well walk you to the door."

"No, really, Jake. I'm good."

"No, really, Bella. Let me be a gentleman." I take a few steps, ready to round the corner.

"Please, Jake. I'm fine. Just let me go." Her tone has lost its lightness and is now much more pleading.

Backing off, I tell her, "Okay, okay. Another time then."

She only smiles at me and walks off. I watch her, admiring the view from behind. Which is looking good in her tight jeans.

I squint to make sure I'm seeing right. There is a phone shaped lump in her left pocket. While I'm still watching, she reaches back and pulls it out. It _is_ her phone!

"Hi, Edward… no, I'm on the way now… I'm just around the corner… I didn't see you'd called… no I wasn't…" her voice trails off as the rounds the building and I can't hear the rest of her conversation.

I'm even more confused now. Did she ignore my call or just not hear the phone ring? But why tell me she doesn't have her phone and then answer it as soon as she's away from me?

I shake my head in frustration, knowing I won't get any answers right now and head up the stairs to the apartment.


	4. Autumn: Plans

**Happy Monday morning! I don't know about yall, but I could have used some extra time in the bed this morning... If I could have slept just another two hours, I might have been a totally different person. Meaning not grumpy, slow and unfocused. My headache might go away (only if I keep drinking tons of water) and I can have a productive day. Hum... I think coffee's a good place to start. **

**On a totally and very unrelated note, the South Carolina baseball team is on their way to the College World Series! I am so excited! We went to the game yesterday (hence the dehydrated misery today) and I honestly can't think of a time where I've been hotter. It was crazy, too hot to yell, sweating rivers of sunscreen hot. **

**The summer class I'm taking is a bit overwhelming... so until it's over, I am going to post every other week. Good thing I had a chapter cushion... I haven't written a chunk of anything since the middle of May. Please stick with me while I finish this class! **

**All of the characters I'm using in this little story belong to Stephenie Meyer. Not me. The song I'm basing the story around belongs to the one and only Mat Kearney.**

**And, finally, (don't lie... you're tired of reading my ramblings) a big thank you to my lovely beta** llynn20** for being a whole bunch of awesome. And, a thank you to** skywlkrgrl** for being incredibly patient and waiting all weekend without reaching her hands through the computer and strangling me as I tried to find time to post. Yall are alwsome! :)  
**

* * *

**Part One: Autumn**  
_Here we go at it three years later  
Will you help me to dream it all up again?  
Tired of the same song everyone's singing  
Rather be lost with you instead _

**Chapter Four****: Plans**

"Bella, its Jake. I haven't heard from you or seen you around and I'm not trying to be a weird stalker-type guy, but I was getting kind of worried. I didn't know if the Klutz Express got derailed or something. Call me back and let me know you're okay."

As soon as I hang up, I'm worried I've overstepped some invisible boundary that I might not have known existed. Whatever. I haven't heard from her—not that she owes me a phone call or anything—and I am allowed to worry. That's what friends do, right?

I left Bella my worried message on a Monday night.

Tuesday comes and goes. So does Wednesday.

Thursday I tell Leah. Big mistake.

"I don't know why you're so worried about some girl who's already got a boyfriend. You can't have _her. _ She's_ taken." _She eyes me. "You need to let it go, Jacob Black." Uh- oh. Leah only pulls out the full name when she's for real. "I'm tired of the moping."

Offended, I tell her, "I don't mope."

I sulk off to my bedroom.

"You're doing it now!" She calls after me.

Okay, so maybe I'm moping a little.

I slump into my desk chair and reach to wake up my computer. It begins whirring a comforting sound, as usual. I figure I can at least keep my mind occupied with some of the latest craziness of the Top Gear blokes, but just as soon as I load up the latest episode on my iTunes, Leah's hovering over my shoulder.

"May I help you?" I ask her.

"I'm bored." She pouts at me. Like, lip-out-sad-eyes, pouts at me.

"And I'm supposed to do what?" But as soon as I say it, I know I can't keep up the tough guy act. I'm a sucker for the Leah Pouty Face.

She leans down behind me and wraps her slim arms around my neck. "I don't know, something." She's got the Pouty Voice now too.

I pull away and she stands up again. "What do you want to do, Lee?"

"Why do _I_ always have to decide?"

"Because you're the one's that bored." I'm already forming ideas in my mind because I know I'll end up deciding.

"If I knew what I wanted to do, I wouldn't be bored, would I?" The Pouty Face is gone and she's borderline aggravated. I swear, I don't know what's wrong with her sometimes.

"Okay, well, we could go get dinner or—"

"I'm not hungry."

"Okay, what about taking a walk?"

"A walk?" She says, like it's the stupidest thing I've ever suggested.

"No walk then." I think for a minute, almost out of ideas. "Red Box?" I suggest hopefully.

"Red Box," she confirms, finally smiling at me.

I can't help but look for Bella as we walk around the corner to the grocery, where the Red Box waits. It would feel almost normal to run into her now when I'm out and about.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this when all you're going to do is think about _Bella_ while we're out."

Before I can stop myself, I snap at her, "Leah, contrary to what you might believe, the world does not revolve around you."

That does the trick. She turns on her heel and stares me down. "Fine. Pick your own stupid movie. I'm going home."

I roll my eyes. "Come on, Lee. You're being silly. Just come pick a movie."

"No. You pick. I'm going home." She stomps off the best she can in three-inch heels down the sidewalk. I stand there till the click clacking fades into nothing.

"Son, let me tell you something." This white haired old guy is standing at my shoulder, watching down the sidewalk after Leah. "The longer you're with a woman, the less sense she makes."

I just look at him, processing what he's said. "Oh, me and her? We're not together."

"You might not think so, but I can guarantee you she thinks different." He walks away, chuckling to himself.

What? Surely there's no way Leah really thinks that… I shake the thought out of my head.

When I get home, Leah's on the sofa in pajamas with a giant bowl of popcorn.

"Hey," I venture cautiously, waving the Red Box case in the air.

"Hey," she says back, just as cautious. "Wanna sit?" She pats the couch beside her.

I move around the sofa and sit beside her.

"Popcorn?"

"Leah, what's up with you lately?" I ask, as I take a handful of the buttery corn.

She sighs, big, heavy sighs loaded with unspoken words. "Nothing. Why?" But she says it like nothing's wrong, so maybe I am just overreacting. I decide to let it drop. "What movie did you get?"

I show her the case. "I didn't know what you would be in the mood for, so I went with your favorite—_Love Spelled Backwards is Love_."

She laughs. "But you hate that movie!"

"Yeah, but you love it, so I got it."

"You know me too well, Jake," she says as she gets up to put in the movie. "No one gets me like you do." She skips back to the couch and settles back in, pulling the blanket off the back of the sofa onto her lap.

The movie starts and, as I knew I would, I zone out. Before the leading lady can bungee jump into the arms of love – which happens in the first scene – Leah's put a pillow in my lap and her head on top.

"Am I okay here?"

"Yeah," I tell her only because it's someplace she's been many times before.

But I can't get the old man's words out of my head. They're bouncing around like unpopped popcorn dancing in hot oil, making me see meaning in actions, words, looks that don't exist.

Unless he was right and I've been fooling myself the whole time.

* * *

Friday finally rolls around and I can officially be excited about the weekend. I'm still half-asleep and pouring coffee into my portable mug to head to work when Leah comes in the kitchen. The banging cabinets don't register as anything but fuzz in my sleepy brain.

"Don't forget, it's date night with Quil and Claire." Her words startle me so badly I jump, sloshing coffee on the counter. Leah hands me a paper towel.

"Date night?"

"You know what I mean," she says, teasing me. "It's just a phrase."

I'm just awake enough to wonder if it really is or if it's more. "Yeah, okay," I tell her grabbing my bagel off the counter. A second later, I'm out the door. "Later," I holler over my shoulder to Leah.

* * *

The day passes slowly, meeting after meeting. Whoever thought it was a good idea to schedule back-to-back meetings on a Friday obviously hadn't had to sit through them. I wish I could sneak out early without anyone noticing. As I'm sitting at my desk, killing time before the last meeting of the day, my phone rings. I look at the black multi-line, multi-task, multi-ring phone on my desk, but it's not making a sound. Neither is my work cell.

"Crap," I mutter, trying to get my personal cell out of my backpack as it continues to ring. We're not supposed to have them on at work. Usually I keep mine on silent; must have forgotten today.

I check the caller ID before ignoring the call. It's Bella.

I groan and hit the ignore key anyway. As soon as the phone stops chirping, I put it on silent and send her a quick text with my work number and ask her to call me back.

A second later the phone rings. I snatch it up on the first ring.

"Hey, Bella."

"Hello? Is this Diversified Concepts?"

"Um, yes, how may I help you?" So very busted. My second line starts blinking. Surely, _that_ must be Bella.

"I would like to speak with the person in charge of purchasing your ink pens," the salesman starts.

I have to get him off the phone. "Um, we don't use ink pens."

"Don't use ink pens? Sir, may I ask what you _do_ use to write with then?"

"Yeah, we, um, we don't have fingers," I say hurriedly and slam down the phone.

Just as the second call rolls to voicemail.

I open my phone and text her again.

_Sorry, had another call. Try again?_

She doesn't respond right away. I tap my foot impatiently, waiting for the phone to ring or my cell to blink.

Finally, the phone rings.

"Diversified Concepts," I answer in my most dignified and sophisticated voice. "Jacob speaking."

"Yes, I'd like to know… what a diversified concept is, please."

"Bella?" I risk.

She bursts out laughing. "You sound so serious!"

"I am at work, you know."

"Yeah, yeah, work schmirk. It's Friday! Who works on Friday anyways? Well, you do, obviously. What are you doing tonight?"

Her rapid-fire words are still spinning in my mind. I think for a minute trying to catch up. "Nothing, what's up?"

"Want to meet for coffee? Maybe dinner?"

"Yeah, that sounds great. But, Bella? Not to sound like 'that guy' but are you okay? I haven't seen you around this week and I wanted to make sure you were okay…" I trail off lamely.

"No, I'm fine! Sorry it's taken me this long to get back with you. I've been really busy, that's all."

I let out a breath. "Okay, then, I'll see you tonight, seven okay?"

"Sure," she says and we hang up.

The rest of the afternoon drags. After much clock watching and hall pacing, the big and little hands align to create Friday afternoon freedom. It's not even five ten and I'm out the door and on the way home.

After wasting an hour of my weekend fighting for space on the subway and then on the connection bus, I am finally home. The cool apartment makes me realize how much my clothes are sticking to me. Rush hour does nothing but turn me into a sweaty, gross mess. No matter how cold it is outside, I get nasty.

Leah's not home yet, so I grab a beer from the fridge and head for the shower. She hates it when I drink in the shower. I don't know why. Drinking in the shower is the best. Something about all the steam from the shower surrounding your body and the ice cold liquid in your stomach… it's a feeling that can't be beat.

I put my iPod on its dock to charge and turn the volume up so I can hear it in the shower. The first thing I hear? Taylor Swift's "Love Story."

I smile to myself, thinking about Bella poking fun at me for having it on the iPod in the first place. There's just something about that song I can't help but like. Before I know it, I'm singing along with reckless abandon.

Rinsing the shampoo out of my hair, I miss the last chorus. I jump and almost slip and fall when Leah bursts into our shared bathroom and picks up where I left off, very off key and way too loud. Thankfully, the beer is safe on the random towel rack in the back of the shower. Who puts a towel rack in the shower anyway?

"Heeeey, roomie," she sing-songs to me. "Was someone scared?"

"Get out, Leah!" I roar at her, more for the effect of the noise than anything else. At this moment, I am very thankful I made Leah get the black shower curtain rather than the white one she wanted.

"Fine, grumpy." I hear her shut the door as she leaves.

When I am out of the shower and dry, I am very thankful I cleaned my room a few days ago. I pull khakis and a polo from my closet, throw them on the bed, and go back to the kitchen for another beer.

Too late, I realize I probably shouldn't be walking around in only my towel. But, lucky for me, I hear Leah start the shower, her own music filling the bathroom.

Thinking only of payback, I get I giant cup from the cabinet, fill it with cold water and sneak into the bathroom. She's got some kind of dance racket playing and I can tell she's dancing away behind the safety of the shower curtain.

She doesn't hear the door open.

She doesn't see me reach my hand over the top of the shower.

She doesn't see me dump the water above where I estimate her to be standing.

She does, however, feel the water as it hits her over the head.

"Jake!" She screeches. "I am going to GET YOU!"

Before she can say anything else, I flee, laughing hysterically.

"Get you BAD!"

I shake my head and laugh some more.

As I get ready to meet Bella, I'm look out of my small window. I can see the park in the distance, fully golden now. It's a beautiful night; one that begs to be outside in it. I place my hand over the glass to test the temperature. The glass is hard and smooth under my hand. I hold it there for a minute, waiting for the temperature to come through; it's going to be borderline cold tonight, not that I'll feel it. But, I make a mental note to grab my fleece just in case someone else might.

As fast as I can, I am dressed and out the door, ready for what my night with Bella will bring. I jump down the few stairs to the sidewalk and head off into the night. Before I make it too far, my phone rings.

Not paying attention to who's calling, I answer it.

"Holla at a balla, Big Mac's fo' a dolla!"

"Tell me you're coming back."

"Um, what? Back where?"

"To the apartment, idiot."

"Uh… oh. No?"

"Well then, where are you going?"

"I'm meeting Bella?"

"Jake, I can't believe you! We had plans tonight with Quil and Claire!"

"We did?"

"Yes, stupid, I told you this morning. Remember? In the kitchen?"

"Okay, mistake one. I am never awake in the morning, Leah. You of all people should know that by now."

"Well, you'd better call _that girl_ and tell her you're not coming."

"No, Leah. I won't. I am going to have coffee with Bella tonight and maybe dinner if we want to. You will survive one Friday night without me to be your personal entertainer."

"I can't believe you, Jake! You think of no one but yourself. But, you know what? I think this is a good thing you're totally blowing off all your friends tonight. You know why? I think I'm finally starting to see where I rank on your list of important people. Thanks a lot."

All I hear is silence, and then a dial tone in my ear.


	5. Autumn: Jobs

**Happy Friday! I don't think I could have planned a better day if I'd tried! CWS keeps moving on along. Has anyone been watching? Last night's game against OU was crazy! And tonight its the in state rivals: Gamecocks v Clemson! GO COCKS! Huge Gamecock fan, btw. And, it gets better! Mexican and margaritas (before locking myself in the library to finish the paper from you-know-where)! If I can just make it through the 9 to 5 today... **

**Time not claim anything... I don't own any of the characters in this lil story. I just like to give them new actions and words and love interests. It's fun! I can't even lay the slightest bit of claim to Mat's borrowed lyrics, though if given the chance, I'd be all over him... uh, I mean... oh well. Ha.  
**

**Happy anniversary to my fic wife **llynn20**. It was six months ago yesterday that she posted the first chapter of her story **My Heart With You**. Since then, we've brainstormed a collaboration effort that hasn't hatched yet, shamelessly promoted MHWY to various sites with great results, worked on a contest submission, and she's helped me make this lil bit of fiction bright and shiny. I am glad she searched for "trees" those few months ago! Thanks for being a great but very, very far away friend, **llynn20**! It would be quite boring without you!  
**

**Here you go, loyal readers... chapter five!**

* * *

**Part One: Autumn**

_Here we go at it three years later  
Will you help me to dream it all up again?  
Tired of the same song everyone's singing  
Rather be lost with you instead _

**Chapter Five: Jobs**

Had Leah not been so rude to me, I might have considered cancelling with Bella so I could keep the plans with Quil and Claire. But, because Leah's pissed me off, I won't.

I don't want to meet Bella in such a crabby mood, so I take a little detour through the neighborhood until I've calmed down a bit. My hand test of the temperature was way off. It's already much cooler than I thought it would be. I'm glad I brought the fleece.

Fall has definitely taken over our small neighborhood. Pumpkins are appearing on people's doorsteps along with brightly colored gourds and harvest corn. Halloween is coming soon; I'm sure Sam and Emily will have a party. It's their thing they do every year. We all try to out costume each other. Last year, I went as Mario and Leah went as Luigi. She even wore the mustache. We were a pretty rocking pair. The only people who showed us up were Sam and Emily, who dressed up as King Kong and Ann Darrow. But how could we compete with a furry monkey suit and a platinum blonde wig? Sam was constantly potato sacking Emily and running around the apartment while she yelled for Kong to "Put me down!" I laugh at the memory and my anger towards Leah fades a bit.

I'm starting to worry about Leah. She's always been prone to volatile moods, but never this bad. Yes, I might have been wrong for ditching her tonight, but she's just out of line. I make a mental note to keep my eye on her, watching for more extreme mood shifts. She's had issues in the past, and I don't want those demons to come back again. As her friend, I owe her this much.

Having looped around the block, I'm a few minutes late to meet Bella. When I walk into the coffee shop, I don't see her in the sparse crowd. Instead of waiting in the overly warm building, I go back outside to take a seat on the old wooden bench the owners put outside the door. The bench is a neighborhood landmark—it's been here for years and years. Bob and Carol, the owners, call it a doodle bench; every spring they paint a fresh coat of paint on the bench, sometimes white, sometimes purple, even black once, and people bring their multicolored Sharpies and leave words, doodles, everything on it. I look to see what I'm going to sit down on—someone's doodled giant blue and yellow eyeballs with the words "I can see your crack!" under them in bright red—and roll my brown eyes and plop down.

A few minutes later, I see Bella coming down the street, but she's walking funny. And slow. Really slow. The closer she gets, the more pronounced the problem with her walk becomes. I start walking to her, waving. She waves back and motions for me to stay where I am. Yeah right. I keep going.

"What happened to you? Why are you limping?"

"I tripped going down the stairs in the apartment building. I made it all the way to the final flight, too. Then I took a tumble."

I look at her face closer. "Bella, is that a bruise?" The right side of her face is slightly discolored, but not so bad you'd notice if you weren't looking closely. I move to touch it, but she pulls back.

"Yeah," she says ashamed. "I banged myself up pretty bad when I fell. Can you see it? I've been trying to cover it up with makeup."

"It's not that bad," I tell her. But, now that I see the bruise, it's all I can focus on. Her pretty face is marred by an ugly blue-green mark. I don't like it. She can tell I'm fibbing to her. "You, Bella, need to be surrounded by bubble wrap."

"If I thought it would help, I'd be all for it," she says with a sigh and limps on ahead of me.

I don't even have to hurry to catch up. "Should I carry you?"

"No, you should not carry me. I'm fine! Just a swollen ankle. I only rolled it." Forcing a smile onto her face, she changes the subject. "So. Diversified Concepts. What are you diversifying?"

I laugh. "Yeah, it's about as boring as it sounds. A family friend owns the company and he offered me a job. I don't diversify anything, but the rest of the company works with all sorts of investing."

"Then what do you do?"

"I am the hunk du jour of the office, thank you."

"You're what?" She looks as me like I've totally lost it.

"I'm the Hunk in Residence. The Office Eye Candy."

That gets a laugh. "You're kidding, right?"

"No! One hundred percent serious."

"What do you _do_ as office hunk?"

"Well, I offer strip tease breaks at ten thirty and three, I deliver the mail shirtless at nine and four and I answer the phone like I'm a phone sex operator."

Bella's laughing so hard she's stopped walking.

"I'm offended you don't take my job seriously." I tell her, very stern. "Because _I_ do."

She tries to straighten up, not knowing if I'm really serious or not. "Oh, okay. Well then."

We limp along for a bit, getting ever closer to the doodle bench. Finally, we make it. I deposit Bella on it and go inside to get us a drink. I don't give Bella a chance to make a beverage request. I'm taking a chance on surprising her. The counter girl takes my order and rings me up and I go back outside.

"What did you get?" Bella asks as I hand her the hot cup. "Mmmm, it smells fantastic!"

"Just try it and see."

She takes a tentative sip. "It's hot," she says, trying to blow into the little hole the liquid comes out of. She pops off the lid. I can see the steam rising from the cup.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? You—the most accident prone person I've ever met—holding a scalding hot cup of liquid? Unprotected?"

She gives me one of those looks that says, _Come on, I'm not five._

I hold up my hands in defeat. "Okay, it's your lap."

Carefully, she takes a sip. "Oh, caramel apple cider! That's my favorite. I don't know how they make it here that's different from everywhere else, but it's so much better. I love it."

"Yeah, I think the same thing! They must have crack apple juice 'cause it's off the chain."

We sit and sip for a moment before Bella speaks. "You're not really a quasi stripper, are you?"

I laugh. "No! I got laid off from my previous job—you know, same old economy song and dance you hear everywhere—and a family friend owns the business and knew I needed a job, so he offered it to me. I am a manretary and proud."

"A manretary?" My made up word confuses her.

"Yeah, a male secretary. A manretary. There are murses, so why can't there be manretaries?"

All she can do is laugh. The cider flirts with the rim of her cup, eventually sloshing out a little onto her hand.

"Ouch!" she cries. I take the drink from her, along with the lid that I quickly put back on the cup. Bella examines her hand. "I'm fine," she says licking the caramel off. "Can't waste the good stuff." She looks right into my eyes when she says it and my thoughts roam to things they shouldn't.

I clear my throat. "So, you know I'm a manretary. But what do you do?"

"I'm a writer," she says, real casual like. Too casual.

"Should I know you? Are you about to embarrass me?"

"No, I haven't written anything that popular. Though I am working on a book. But it's not ready yet."

"What's it about? If I can be nosy as ask…"

"It's historical fiction, about the Cuban revolution."

"How'd you come up with that?"

"Well, it's kind of a long story." She pauses. "And it also involves slightly illegal activity. But all done in the name of journalism!"

"Ohh, that makes it even better. Do share."

"Well you know Americans can't just go to Cuba. Cold war and all that." I nod. "But, we can go to the Bahamas. And, you can go to Cuba from the Bahamas. As long as your ticket is bought and paid for in Bahamian money, it's okay. Well, it's still a little sketchy, but it's doable."

"Huh. I didn't know that. But why Cuba?"

"It all started back in college. I had to take a history class and we focused a lot on the cold war and the embargo set up against Cuba and stuff like that. I did this really detailed paper about it and my friends were planning on going to the Bahamas for spring break that year, so I recruited my one friend Alice to go with me to Cuba from there."

"So you just… went to Cuba?"

"Yeah, it was fun." She says it like it really was that simple. Buy a ticket and just… go.

"Just you and your friend? Knowing nothing about what it would be like when you got there?"

"I mean, we'd done a lot of online research about the country and where to go and not go, stay and don't stay. That kind of stuff. But a lot of it was just decided spur of the moment."

"I am really impressed, Bella." Because I am. I would think it takes a lot of guts to just up and go someplace you know nothing about. Especially someplace you wouldn't have back up from the government. "Was it fun?"

"Oh my gosh," she gushes. "It's the most colorful and vibrant place I've ever seen. Everyone was so nice and took such good care of us. The music was amazing. I think we went dancing every night we were there and we ate the best food, ever. I can't wait to go back."

"So you decided to write a book about it?"

"Yeah, I was intrigued by the whole Castro movement to power. People were so attached to him and his ideals. They saw him and thought 'freedom.' We've never had to feel that way about anything here. It's always just been handed to us. But, once I got there, I knew I had to write about it. The people were just so… nice. All they wanted to do was help Alice and I get around and have fun. The people were hopeful still and living bright lives. And I knew when I came home, when I was ready, I'd write about the country, its past, and the people."

"Wow. How far along are you with it?"

"Um, pretty far. I've had a lot of time recently to write. I've been getting lots of offers, but none of them are local, so I haven't been taking them."

"Why?"

"I'm not allowed to travel right now," Bella tells me, intently focused on the lid of her drink and the lettering on it.

"Why can't you travel?"

She blushes and starts to squirm. "Well, it's not that I'm not _allowed_ to travel, I just stay home."

Not letting wanting to let it go, I ask, "But, if the work is out there, and you want to write, why don't you just go to the jobs?"

"It's a little more complicated than that, Jake."

"It's Edward, isn't it? He won't let you travel." I don't know where the thought came from. I wasn't even consciously thinking it. It just jumped out of my mouth. "I'm sorry, Bella, I shouldn't make assumptions like that. It's not my place at all."

"No, it's okay. He _is_ really protective."

"I noticed that when I saw you at the Biscuit." I'm frowning at the memory.

"He's just really emotional." She rolls her eyes. "I swear he's worse than a mother. He just doesn't want anything to happen to me."

Something in her voice gives away the fact that she doesn't entirely believe this herself. It's clear in her voice and the way she's carrying herself. Pushing it even further, I say, "Yeah, but you looked so _small_ sitting there with him."

"Nah, he was just blowing off steam. He was fine when we left. You should be honored that he thought you were a threat. He usually doesn't see other guys that way."

She looks down at her cup, almost as if she's disgusted by the sight of it. She sets it on the ground at her feet. It can't be any less than half empty.

I sit there, sipping my drink, not saying anything, leaving her words hanging heavy in the air. Finally, I take a deep breath.

"Bella, can I ask you something?"

She nods at me. "Sure."

"I'm not trying to be rude, but if you're in a relationship, why are you giving me your number and inviting me out for coffee?"

I watch her deflate, eyes in her lap. "I guess I just need a friend. Is that okay?" She looks up at me; her eyes are dark, sad. "I'm sorry if I led you on."

I want to tell her yes, that she did lead me on and I hate that she's dating McSerious. But I don't. I don't see how it will help anything.

So instead I tell her, "It's okay. I'll be happy just being your friend." I reach out and pat her hand. She puts her other hand over mine.

"Thanks, Jake, that means a lot. Probably more than you will ever know."

"You're welcome." I pat her hand again, but there are more questions gnawing at the back of my mind. "Does Edward know you're spending time with me?"

She pulls her hand out from under mind and tries to smooth non-existent wrinkles out of her black skirt.

"Not exactly," she says, not looking at me. "He is away on business a lot during the week. Most of our friends are his friends, and he doesn't like me spending time with them if he's not around. I get lonely." She looks up at me, searching my face for a reaction.

What she needs to hear and what I want to tell her are two very, very different things. I take a breath to calm myself.

"If you need a friend, Bella, I'll be that for you. I'll be whatever you need me to be."


	6. Autumn: Scents

**Hello, hello! I think the post-y mood has just carried over into today. (I posted a Seventeen Forever chapter yesterday.) Granted, this was a planned post and most of the Seventeen Forever posts aren't. Sigh. Must not post all at once.**

**I have a fantastical beta: **llynn20**. She's the bomb. She lets me vent-text her at... what time was it? It was after 11, I think. Anyway, she lets me vent text her late at night about the annoyingness of summer grad classes. I will leave the rest of the conversation alone, but the bottom line: we have decided that there needs to be a website that contains nothing but the Wonderful Words of Wisdom of one Sue Sylvester. Also, Sue was ranked #12 on MSN's Super Villians list. Her archenemy? Will Schuester's hair. HAHA.  
**

**Anyhoo, here you go. Chapter six. Of which I own nothing. Okay, my rambling will stop now. Promise!  
**

* * *

**Part One: Autumn**

Here we go at it three years later  
Will you help me to dream it all up again?  
Tired of the same song everyone's singing  
Rather be lost with you instead

**Chapter Six: Scents**

Bella smiles at me, her expression finally looking more relaxed.

"When did it get so chilly? I don't think I'm ready to give up on summer." She gestures to her knee length skirt. "Wishful thinking, I guess." She wraps her arms around her body, trying to hold in the heat.

I _knew_ I would need the fleece.

"Here," I tell her, offering her my coat. "Put this on."

She slides it on and holds up her hands. The sleeves hang a good four or five inches past the tips of her fingers. "It's huge!" She laughs as she wraps it around herself, inhaling the smell of the fleece.

"Yeah, well I am quite the beast," I tell her, puffing my chest out.

She whacks my arm.

My stomach picks the perfect time to start grumbling.

"Are you hungry, beast?"

"Ravenous," I tell her, trying to sound as beastly as possible. She blushes and I know she saw the unintentional double meaning in my choice of words.

But, now that she brings it up…

Okay, stopping. I have to remind myself that Bella is with McSerious, not me.

Friend, Jake. Friend.

"Come on," she says, rising off the doodle bench. She grabs my hand and pulls me up. "I know the perfect dinner dive. And I can almost guarantee you've never been there."

"You're on." I pick her forgotten cup up off the ground and throw it away for her. When I turn around, Bella's got the sleeves of my coat pressed to her nose again, breathing in the scent of the fabric. Her eyes are closed and there is a slight smile playing on her red lips. She opens her eyes and catches me watching her.

"Your jacket smells good," she confirms, not apologetic in the least. "Come on, let's go."

She starts down the sidewalk, her limp keeping her from really moving along at a good pace. As soon as her back is turned to me, she pulls the front of the jacket to her nose and inhales deeply, letting out her breath with a sigh.

I can't lie. It's making me pretty hot just watching her stand there and try to smell me in the jacket. It's almost as if she wants to save the scent for later.

Just like I want to save the sight of her with my fleece hanging to her knees like a dress for later.

She turns around and looks at me. "You coming?"

Snapping out of the train of thought I had no business boarding in the first place, I nod. "Where are we going, Bella? Where's this secret hiding place you've got hidden up your sleeve? Well, my sleeve?"

"You'll just have to wait and see."

We keep walking down the street. Well, I keep walking. Bella is more or less dragging her leg along at this point. I can tell she's hurting pretty bad. When we come to a busier than usual crosswalk with a notoriously short walk time, I scoop her up in my arms.

"Jake! What are you doing? Put me down!" Her words protest, but her eyes do not. Her eyes are smoldering pools of caramel ringed in chocolate. I keep going across the street.

"Like you would have made it across before the light changed. You might've had that collision with an automobile today and that can't happen on my watch." As soon as we reach the other side, I place her back on the ground. She winces as her weight is applied to her ankle.

"I wasn't hurting this bad when I left the apartment," she tells me ashamed. "I'm sorry I'm so lame."

"You're not lame; you're hurt. Now," I return our focus to the task at hand, "how much further to dinner? We'll get you a bag of ice to help with the swelling when we sit down."

"It's just around the corner." She hobbles forward, still not wanting to admit how much pain she's in. As soon as we turn the corner, I know where she's taking us. We're not in the best part of town anymore. There's only one place that I know of that's worth venturing into the sketchy part of town for.

Mein Moon.

We smell it before we get there, spicy and strong fragrances tease our noses, promising delicious heat found only in their special sauces. As we get closer, I can smell the whole roasted duck proudly displayed in their front window.

"Ta da!" Bella throws her arms in the air. "Mein Moon! You haven't been here before, have you?"

She's so excited I don't want to tell her I have. Mein Moon is one of Leah and my's favorite spots. Granted, we always have it delivered, but still. That doesn't change the quality of the food.

"No, not to the restaurant." It sounds more like a question than a statement of fact.

"Not to the restaurant? But you've had the food?"

"Yeah," I admit. "It's a Leah and Jake spot." As soon as I say it, I wish I could take it back. I don't want to keep this place from being a Bella and Jake spot. I'd much rather have more Bella and Jake spots than Leah and Jake spots. "But, we always order in," I add, hoping to make _this_—the eating in the actual restaurant—our thing.

"I was hoping to surprise you."

"Bella, the fact that you're willing to venture here on your own speaks volumes." I can't imagine McSerious here with her.

"I've been to rougher places," she says, not elaborating. I nod. I wouldn't question that at all; hell, Bella did Cuba practically alone and acted like it was nothing.

I push the door open and the electric wall chime whines about having to announce us as we pass through its weak sensor. The place is crowded, overflowing with people, all kinds of people. It can't seat more than twenty people yet there are probably close to thirty inside. We have to turn sideways to get to the counter to order.

The other thing about Mein Moon? No one speaks English. No one. Except for one guy. He's the only bilingual dude out of the bunch. He takes the call in orders, counter orders, and runs around generally dealing with customer issues. No wonder he always sounds like he's in a hurry. And mad. Because he generally sounds that, too.

I don't see Mr. Bilingual anywhere tonight. We literally have to point to the menu and have a nodding battle and hope the guy taking the order gets it right.

But, the whole time he talks to us in his native language and we talk to him in English, but neither one of us understands a thing of what the other one is saying. We pay—thank goodness for the digital cash register—and wait for a table to clear. As soon as I see people starting to leave, I table hover until they're gone. Finally, they leave and we sit down among their half empty plates and cups. I sit across from Bella, but then decide against it. I stand and move to the end of the table, moving out the chair across from her.

"What are you doing, Jake?"

"Making you better."

I lean under the table and gently lift her foot into the chair opposite her. Luckily, there are cushions in the seat so her foot doesn't have to rest on hard plastic. I approach the counter. Still no sign on Mr. Bilingual.

"Can I have a bag of ice?"

He turns and yells something in Chinese into the back of the restaurant. A second or two later, the normal counter guy appears.

"Can I have a bag of ice?"

"No, no bag of ice. I give you bags. You make with ice." He points to the drink machine and hands over the bags.

"Thanks," I tell him.

I fill one bag about half way with ice, tie it up and then place it in the second bag and tie it up over the first. I don't want it to leak all in the floor.

Back at the table, I place the bag over Bella's swollen ankle. She winces at the coldness of the ice, but eventually adjusts to its temperature.

"Thanks, Jake. I'm sorry I'm so silly and manage to get hurt all the time."

I brush her apology off. "Bella, you're prone to falling over and… I'm prone to… um…"

"Being nice to me?" She offers. Not exactly what I was going for, but I'll take it.

"Sure." I sit.

Seconds later our food arrives already packaged in to go containers (the portions are huge). They server sets a couple of plates on the table with serving utensils and we dish up our dinner and chow down. I've been craving pepper beef something fierce. Bella stuck with shrimp fried rice and hot and sour soup.

When we're done, Bella picks up her fortune cookie. She opens it and cracks the cookie in half, placing the fortune face down on the table so she can't read it.

"You have to eat the whole cookie first before you read the fortune otherwise it won't come true."

I comply, opening mine and placing my fortune on the table as well. I eat the cookie in one bite, crunching it into oblivion. "Can I read it now?" I ask her with bits of cookie still in my mouth.

She laughs at me. "Yes, beast, you can."

I pick it up and read aloud. "'You will have gold pieces by the bushel.' Lame." I put it back down. "What does yours say?"

"It's not lame, Jake! It's a great fortune! Fitting for you, being a manretary. A stripping one at that! And, it's better than 'Your hair is long and silky' which I got one time." She picks up her fortune. "Okay, here goes. 'Practice makes perfect.'"

I am trying really hard not to laugh. But I can't help it any more. I let it out.

"In bed," I squeak at her, around giggles.

"'In bed?'" she echoes.

"Oh, come on! Tell me you know the 'in bed' game! You add 'in bed' to the end of every fortune. It makes them so much better." I pick mine back up and read it again. "'You will have gold pieces by the bushel … in bed.' See? Doesn't that at least make you want to smile? Do yours!"

"Okay. 'Practice makes perfect… in bed.'" She looks up at me as she says the in bed part and it's my turn to blush. We both burst into peals of laughter.

"That's great, Bella! Come on, admit it! When I'm old and wrinkly and turn on the TV and see you dishing out sex advice like that ninety year old lady on late night TV, I can look back and say, 'Hey, I ate Chinese food with her and she learned all she needed to know from me.'"

The words settle around us and I realize their awkward implications.

"Well, maybe not from me, but you know what I mean," I try and back peddle, but I don't know if it's working. "I mean about the fortune cookies…" I trail off lamely.

"So when I get a question I don't have an answer to, I know who to call, huh?" She's smirking at me, mischievous grin on her face.

I like it. A lot.

Too much.

I need to get back in the friend zone.

I close up my to go box-slash-serving dish. Bella takes a hint and does the same. "There are a lot of people waiting for a table. We should probably go."

She takes the ice off her ankle and stands up only wobbling a little bit. I reach out and steady her before she can fall. "Can you walk?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine, just give me a minute."

A group of guys come to hover over our table. As Bella's trying to scoot around them, one of them bumps her in his haste to get to the table. She has to put her weight on the bad ankle to keep from falling over. She makes a whimpering noise.

Before I can help it, I'm in the dude's face. "Watch it, she's hurt." I put my arm around Bella's waist, supporting her weight and start for the door.

"Ass," I hear the guy call from behind me.

"Jake, it's not worth it," Bella says. I push open the door and the electronic buzzer cries out again, giving a voice to Bella's obvious pain.

Outside, the temperature has dropped even colder.

"Can you make it home?"

"Jake, I'm still kicking, just not so high. Come on."

We start back towards home. The closer I get to the apartment, the more I can feel the tension building in my muscles. I really don't want to fight with Leah tonight. As we pass by the cupcake shop, I know just what to do to get back in Leah's good graces.

Bella sees me looking in the windows. "There's no way you're still hungry," she says.

"No, Leah and I had a fight and I am having guilt about it and I was thinking about taking her one."

"The two of you are close, huh?"

"Yeah, Leah's been through a lot with me. She's my best friend. My sometimes crazy best friend. And as much as she gets on my nerves or up in my business, I can't help but love her."

"I know what you mean," Bella says, with true understanding in her voice. I wonder who she's thinking of. "Want to go get her one? I'll wait for you."

"You'd better wait for me! Who else will keep you from meeting an untimely doom in the last two blocks home? No one, that's who. I must protect you from your own tangled feet!" I do my best Superman wrapping his cape around himself imitation and fly into the cupcake store.

Once I have Leah's "I'm sorry" cupcake, I walk Bella home. It's getting late and I don't want her walking around anywhere alone with that gimpy foot. It makes her seem like an easy target and even though I don't doubt her ability to hold her own, I don't want to chance it. When I tell her this, she doesn't protest. This time, I am allowed to walk all the way up to her apartment door.

"Okay, I'm stopping you here," she tells me as we're standing on the landing. "Thanks for hanging out with me tonight Jake. I had a really great time."

"Me too. Maybe we can hang out again sometime soon?" I suddenly feel like I'm sixteen and on my first date all over again.

"Sure, I'd like that. It'll be fun." She shrugs, not making a big deal of it. "Remember? You're fun and I'll have fun with you?" We laugh at the memories of my bad lines.

"I remember. I haven't forgotten our lines."

We stand there, both lost in the awkward moments where had this been a real date, I would be kissing her. But I won't be kissing her.

Friend, Jake. Friend.

"Okay," she says, pulling out her keys. "Thanks again for a great night." She puts the keys in the lock and turns the knob. Before she can get inside, I pull her to me, enveloping her in my arms.

"Sure, it was fun. Thanks for coming out with me." I release her and she limps inside, the door softly clicking shut behind her effectively locking me outside. I couldn't help but wish I could be on the other side of the door with her.


	7. Autumn: Seeds

**Friday, Friday! You know those days where you just wake up in a great mood? Yeah, today started like that! Maybe because it was a posting day? Maybe because I'm lake bound at 5 pm? Maybe because I'm meeting with the Study Abroad people today? Maybe because I have a fab-o beta? I don't really care what the reason is, I'm just happy today!**

**Here's the disclaimer: All of these characters belong to SM. Not I. And neither do Mat Kearney's lyrics. Though I sometimes wish I could have come up with them... sigh.**

**Thank you llynn20 for making this smooth and flow-y. Only seven more sleeps till bye bye hair! I am kinda jealous... letting your hair get cut off is letting your safety blanket go. I am proud! Plus, you're going to look sassy and chick and "Don't even think about it" complete with a triple head swirl fun. :) Love ya, sis!**

**

* * *

**

**Part One: Autumn**

_Here we go at it three years later  
Will you help me to dream it all up again?  
Tired of the same song everyone's singing  
Rather be lost with you instead _

**Chapter Seven: Seeds**

Once I'm on my own stoop, I realize Bella's still got my jacket. I grin. I'm very okay with that. I can just imagine McSerious finding it in Bella's closet. I'd hate for Bella to have to explain where it came from, but I'd love to see the massive freak out he's sure to have about it.

I trudge up the stairs, dreading what I will find when I open the door. It's well past eleven now, so unless they went to a ten thirty movie, Leah should be home. I open the door to a very quiet house.

"Leah?" I call into the darkness. She doesn't answer. I flip the switch, turning on the overhead light and illuminating the room in light. It doesn't look like she's been home yet. The blanket is still a tangled mess on the couch and her work shoes are lying by the front table. She always goes to bed with the blankets folded and her shoes put away.

I sigh in relief. I really didn't want to face her negative energy and attitude tonight. I had a good—no, amazing—time with Bella and I want to be left alone to process it.

I leave the cupcake on Leah's bedside table and rummage in her desk for a sticky note. I find an oversized bright pink one with black skull and crossbones on it. How Leah. I grab a black pen and write her a note:

_Never gonna give you up_

_Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and __dessert__ you_

_Sorry I forgot about tonight._

I draw a little frowny face at the end and stick it to the top of the clear plastic cupcake container and leave her bedroom.

The next morning, for some unknown and miserable reason, I am awake at seven, which is earlier than I get up to go to work during the week. I toss and turn and flip and flop, but nothing I do makes me go back to sleep.

My dreams were full of Bella. Naturally, I'd much rather be asleep and dreaming.

Everywhere my mind went, she was there.

In some she was hurt, but not a twisted ankle kind of hurt. This was a dark hurt, something that didn't have a name and I couldn't see very clearly. It ran deep into her soul, trying to cover it with black. She was pulling at the blackness, trying to get it to loosen its grip on her, but she wasn't having any luck. Watching her futile efforts made _me_ hurt. I didn't know how to stop it from overtaking her. The whole thing reminded me of Spiderman 3 and the black symbiotic stuff taking him over and turning him into Venom.

I try just as futilely to shake them out of my head. Weird dreams. Weird.

On the other hand, any Bella dream is better than a no-Bella dream, so I'm not exactly complaining, but it doesn't do much for my commitment to stay in the friend zone.

Finally, I give up trying to sleep. If I am going to be up, I might as well pretend to enjoy it. I slink out of bed, dragging myself down the hall towards the kitchen and the promise of coffee. Once the brewer is producing its delicious coffee aroma, I start to wake up. There is another mug in the sink, tea bag still inside. And a plate. With crumbs that look suspiciously like red velvet. Is that a smudge of icing? Looking into the living room, I can tell the blankets have been folded and Leah's shoes are no longer by the door.

Good. I'm glad she came home. I would have worried if she hadn't.

When the coffee's done, I pour myself a cup, add a bit of half and half and plant myself on the sofa. Turning on the TV, making sure the volume won't wake Leah, I start flipping channels passing over the cartoon channels and finally settling on the Rock of Love marathon on VH1. It's stupid, fake and I can't believe I'm watching it, but here I sit.

Three episodes into it and the only thing I've learned is: never mess with a girl whose name is Thunda and that Bret Michaels drove cross-country in an ambulance with the Poison guys.

Thoroughly bored, I start thinking about waking Leah up. I look at the clock. It's now close to ten. Leah never sleeps this late. Maybe she had a late night. It didn't look like she ate the cupcake till this morning.

Maybe she didn't come home till this morning.

That thought makes me smile on Leah's behalf.

I decide to give her another hour just as Thunda starts slapping Princess in the face over a pair of leather pants. The fight ends when Bret breaks it up by agreeing to make out with them both. At the same time.

Not able to stomach anymore, I turn off the TV.

I'm waking Leah.

I creep down the hall, as stealthy as possible to her closed bedroom door. Leah's bedroom door is the orneriest door ever. It _will_ squeak. It's only a matter of when. I turn the knob and slowly start pushing it open. As soon as there's a gap big enough for my body to squeeze through, I slide inside, ready to pounce. I assume the pouncing position.

Wait.

There's something wrong here.

Leah's not in her bed.

That means Leah's not home.

I don't like this. I immediately about-face and head back to my room to call her. I grab my phone off my bedside table and walk back out into the hallway, only to be confronted with a piece of lime green paper taped on the wall opposite my door.

_Sorry I'm such a pain. _

_I'm going home for the day._

_I'll be back Sunday feeling better, promise. _

Leah signed it with a heart. Below the heart she wrote:

_PS—thanks for the cupcake._

Just as I hit her speed dial key, I notice the post post script.

_PPS—I'm keeping my phone off. Hang up, Jake._

I do as I'm told and end the call just as the call goes to voicemail. "Fine, Miss Priss. I won't check on you," I say to her note. But I'm glad she went home. Leah needed some time to herself.

Still not wanting to sit in the apartment all day, I call Sam.

"You're where?"

"Crate and Barrel."

"Okay, you would never go in there on your own, so I'm guessing Emily has something to do with this."

"Yeah, we're registering for wedding gifts. She finally got tired of eating off of the college set of plates and stuff."

"Ugh. And your pots and pans? Tell me you're trying to replace those, too."

"Yeah. They were disgusting. You want to keep me company? Maybe if you're here, she'll let me out."

I hear Emily mumbling in the background.

"Never mind. No hope there. Hey! Maybe if you come she'll let you use the scanner thing. That's the only good part about this whole thing."

Meeting Sam and Emily would get me out of the house. But can I survive shopping all day?

"Thanks, Sam. I think I'll pass on this one. Too much shopping for me."

"Don't blame you. Wish I were with you." Emily mumbles something again. "Okay, so I take it back. I love my fiancé and I am thrilled we're picking out everyday china and flatware."

After we hang up, I'm at a loss. I don't know who to call next. So I don't. I change into workout clothes, actually putting on pants instead of shorts this time, and head to the park.

I take this run much slower than I normally would, but I double the distance. My muscles are screaming at me in thanks for the good stretching I'm giving them.

I discover several things on my run. First, don't feed the pigeons. They are dirty and annoying. If you feed one, they must send out some kind of homing signal to the rest of the pigeon population with your location so they can swarm you. There was a lady with a bag of bread ends she was feeding to the ducks when she made the mistake of giving a bit to the birds. Within seconds, she was surrounded. It looked like she was being attacked by an army of cooing, grey, head twitching, fat windup toys. They were so close to her, she dropped the bag and ran away. She literally had to kick them out of the way to get away. They weren't moving on their own.

Second, I want to carve a pumpkin.

And third, I need to leave Bella alone. I want to make sure I am fully planted in the friend zone. No matter how bad I wish I was in the boyfriend zone. I will wait for her to call me. I will not be calling her. Period.

_Am I playing hard to get?_

I think I'm actually trying to take a mature route through this whole thing.

When I'm done with my long run, I'm full of adrenaline and I don't want to stop moving. Thinking of making Leah happy, I clean the apartment. From top to bottom. Like, moving furniture and stuff. I put on some good cleaning music, like Van Halen and AC/DC and Michael Buble. It's random and one of these things is definitely not like the other, but the dude can sing. Maybe croon is a better word. Whatever you want to call it, it is good music.

When I finally finish, to the notes of "Panama," I am exhausted. I order in some Greek food and veg on the sofa for the rest of the night.

* * *

Sunday morning comes much the same way Saturday morning did. I'm up early and thinking about Bella. The apartment, though bright and shiny and still smelling of Pine Sol, is lonely. I miss Leah. I'm ready for her to come home. I spend most of the day laying around, pondering my decision to leave Bella be and munching on snack foods I have no business munching on. Like Leah's hidden stash of pretzel M&M's and frozen Kit Kat's. She thinks I have no idea she likes to hide the wafer-y goodness under the old bag of frozen green beans, but, boy, is she wrong. I devour about three or four handfuls of the M&M's before realizing I made a noticeable dent in the volume of the bag. I stuff them back in her food cabinet where I'm hoping she won't notice how many are gone. I'm happily snacking away on her Kit Kats when the front door goes flying open.

There's only one person who has a key to the apartment other than me and that's Leah. Busted. I grab up the little red-orange wrappers and stuff them in my pocket before she can notice them. Good thing I left the actual bag in the freezer.

"Roomie," I call to her as I swallow the last bit of evidence. "How was home?" I take her bag from her and head to her room.

"The train was packed! I thought leaving early would help, but I guess not. Mom and dad said to tell you hello. They want to know when you're coming to see them. I told them no time soon since you just got a new job and stuff."

I drop her bag on her neatly made bed and plop myself into her desk chair. She's got my note from Friday night tacked to the wall beside her desk. I smile knowing it had the effect I wanted it to.

She pulls her long hair into a ponytail and unzips her suitcase. "What did you do all weekend?"

"Nothing. I was so bored. I ran. I sat. I learned about Thunda and Princess."

"About what?" She gives me a very confused look.

"Nothing. No one. I was really bored, we'll just leave it at that."

"You didn't spend any more time with Bella?" I am genuinely shocked that she even asks. And she seems merely curious, not vicious. Maybe time away did do her good.

"No, she didn't call. I'm giving her… space… to be with Edward, I think."

"Mature decision. Can't say that I don't support that."

"I'm turning over a new leaf."

Wandering over to her window, Leah asks, "I didn't realize how much we miss of fall being cooped up in and around all these buildings all the time, you know?"

I get off my butt to join her at the window, whose view is much better than the one that greets me every morning. "Yeah, I know. It's all over the neighborhood. It'll be Halloween soon. It's already October. Where's the year gone?"

"I feel like they get shorter every year. Does that mean that when we're, like, fifty, the years will feel like they take two days?" She tilts her head to the side thinking. She shudders. "I don't even want to think about being fifty. Gross." She shakes off the thought and goes back to putting her clothes away. I laugh at her, glad to have the old Leah back.

* * *

Monday at work, my phone rings in the middle of mass hysteria. The internet went down about two minutes ago, shutting everyone out of a global e-conference. I can't fix it. I am not the IT department. Though everyone thinks I am. In all honesty, I'm glad my email isn't working. It's a nice break. I pick up the phone, spouting my usual Diversified Concepts greeting, not paying attention to the caller ID.

"Hey, Jake, it's Bella."

"Hey, Bella! Happy fall!" I might be in the middle of a crisis, but her voice on the other end of the phone puts me in my own little bubble that the voices around me don't reach.

"Yeah, you too." She sounds tired, worn out. Totally exhausted.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired."

"Have you been working? Get a good assignment?"

"What? Oh, no. No assignment. Things have just been a little crazy here at the house." She pauses. "What's all that noise?"

"We're kind of in the middle of an emergency…"

"Oh, I'll let you go!"

That's the last thing I want her to do. "Yeah, your distraction is welcome, trust me."

She sighs. "Oh, okay. Well, I know it's been a while since we talked, but—"

"It hasn't even been a week. Don't worry about it." I don't apologize for not calling her since I am making a mature effort to not call her.

"Well, ok." She sounds disappointed that I didn't make an effort to call her. I let it go. I don't feel in the wrong at all.

But she sounds so defeated.

I can't handle defeated. It makes me hurt. And Bella being the defeated sounding one makes it even worse.

And I have the perfect pick Bella up.

"What's big and orange and drools seeds?"

"I have no idea. What?"

"A puking pumpkin!"

"Um, what?"

"A puking pumpkin! Are you busy tonight? Can you meet me? Bring your coat and meet me on the corner at six."

"Where are we going?" She asks, confused, almost weary.

I sigh. "Bella."

"Jacob."

"Just be there. Please?"

She pauses. Long. The silence is really, really silent. And long.

"Fine," she finally says. Somehow, over the craziness that is the office today, I hear a door slam on her end of the phone and a voice, sounding like venom coated in honey, call her name. "I gotta go," she says hurriedly, hanging up the phone in my ear.


	8. Autumn: Lights

**Happy, happy Friday! I'm going to be a bit long winded today, just stick with me. :) I have a barrelful of exciting to share with you today...  
drumroll please...  
( tat)**

**All I Have has been nominated for TWO Underdog Awards by **llynn20** and **skywlkrgrl**! YAY! Happy dance, happy dance!**

** All the info is on my blog (which you can get to on my profile... it's my "homepage") noteventhetreesff (dot) wordpress (dot) com. Voting starts next Friday the 30th and ends Aug 13th. All of the voting is done on LiveJournal so you have to have a username to vote, but it only takes a second to create one! (I didn't have one and had to join up, too. You are not alone.) **

**The two moments that were nominated were Bella smelling Jake's jacket in chapter 6 (in the ****"_Moment that Melts Your Heart Into a Puddle That You Gladly Lick Up Off the Floor Later_" aka fluffy times category) and the manretary conversation from chapter 5 (in the "****_Moment that Has You Laughing So Hard the People Around You (Your Invisible Friends) Start to Judge_" aka funny times category). **

**I am beyond excited by this! And have been dying to tell yall all week long! So, go and check out all the details and get ready! Cause yall are gonna have to pretty please vote! Pretty please? You know you want to... :)  
**

**Blah, I don't own any of the characters or music. I do, however, have a hot date with Mat Kearney next Friday. Me and about one hundred + of my closest friends. That counts for something, right?**

**Happy birthday **Mikkaa**! Hope this chapter does the birthday trick! :)  
And, as always, lots of thank yous go to llynn20 for being a super fab beta. She's getting a snarky and sassy new hairdo today. I am jealous that she is courageous enough to just... chop it off. Go, girl! :)**

**And that is all. Sorry for the long windedness!  
**

**

* * *

Part One: Autumn**

_Here we go at it three years later  
Will you help me to dream it all up again?  
Tired of the same song everyone's singing  
Rather be lost with you instead _

**Chapter Eight: Lights**

I stare at the phone for a second processing what just happened. Did Bella hang up on me? The voice in the background had to be McSerious. Who else could sound that menacing just by calling someone's name?

Dude's got issues. No doubt about that.

The idea of seeing Bella after work is like a shimmering mirage on a long stretch of hot black pavement. The rest of the day drags on and on. For awhile people were expecting me to do all this random stuff for them before they wised up and realized they all had internet that worked at home. As soon as the first person recognized that fact and fled—I think it was around noon—it wasn't long till the rest followed suit.

So I did my manretary duties and forwarded calls to cell phones and wished I had a magazine to read since I didn't have Facebook to keep me occupied. I did get rather good at Minesweeper by the end of the day. Those stupid little exploding bombs weren't stopping me anymore.

By four thirty, I couldn't take it any longer. The internet still wasn't working and I was one of three people left in the office. I packed up my stuff and snuck out into the afternoon. I thought the extra thirty minutes would make a big difference in my commute, but they didn't. A subway train was stopped on the tracks, messing up all the other trains. Then, there was showdown on the bus between a homeless man and the driver. All I wanted to do was get home.

When I finally got there it was five after six. I could see Bella waiting for me as I came down the street. She waves at me as I get closer, shifting from foot to foot.

"How's your ankle?" I call to her.

"Better," she calls back. When I reach her, she gestures to my backpack and work clothes. "Do you want to change?"

I shake my head. "Nah. I'm okay." I reach out a hand and touch her face. "Let me see that bruise."

She tries to pull away. "Jake…"

"Bella. Just hold still for a second and let me look." With a heavy sigh she does. Instead of being hard to hide purples, the ugly mark on her face is turning green and yellow. "It's getting better. No more contact with the stairwell?"

This time she does pull away. "No. It's left me alone."

"Good," I say. "Come on, let's go." I turn and start down the street. "Today was crazy, I—Bella?" I turn around to see her still standing where I was a few moments ago. I quickly walk back to her. "What's wrong?"

"You know I really did fall down the stairs, right?" She's got a questioning look in her eye, but behind that, there seems to be an almost pleading glare. "Because by your questions earlier I thought you might think something different."

Until that moment, I hadn't questioned her story. But there was something in the way she was looking at me that made me second guess what she told me Friday.

"Would you tell me if someone and not the stairs bruised your face?" I ask her very gently, not wanting to imply anything, but not seeing anyway not to, either.

She looks me dead in the eyes. "Yes."

"Don't lie to me, Bella."

"I'm not."

What else can I do but believe her? "Okay," I say. "Come on, we've got a project to complete."

This time when I start down the street, she's right there alongside me.

"Today was a little insane, huh?" She asks, playfully elbowing me in the side.

"You have no idea. You should have seen it. It was, like, mission control during the Apollo 13 flight in the office without the internet. Makes you wonder how anyone functioned before."

"I know, right? How many phone numbers do you actually _know_ know? That you can recite from memory? I think I know my number and Edward's and that's it."

This is the first time Bella's mentioned McSerious is casual conversation. I don't like him hovering over my Bella time.

"Speaking of, where is McSeriouuuuuh, where is Edward?"

"What did you call him?"

"Edward," I say, picking up the pace, hoping to throw her off the scent. "I figured he'd have the two of you off doing something."

She snorts. "Yeah. No dodging the question, Jacob." Bella's brown eyes have gone steely.

"Um," I can't think of anything to tell her other than the truth. I just hope she finds it as funny as I do. So I mumble, full of embarrassment, "McSerious."

She stares at me. Eyes narrowed, lips pursed, red slowly creeping up her neck. I'm in for it now.

Then, without warning, she is doubled over in laughter.

And I am right there with her, relieved I didn't just offend her boyfriend that I don't like. Which makes me laugh harder that I was worried about offending her boyfriend.

"How… fitting!" She gasps out, between laughs. "How perfect! Oh no, I'm not going to be able to look at him the same now!" Her laughing is starting to calm down. "Thanks a lot, Jake."

"Not a problem. That's what I'm here for. Finding humor in non-humorous situations. But, really. Where is he?"

"Out of town."

"Okay." As long as he's not here, the rest doesn't matter.

"Well, don't you want to know where he is?"

"It doesn't really matter to me. He's not here."

"Fine. He's in China."

"China? What in the world is he doing in China?" I can't help it; my curiosity is piqued.

"Working."

"He works in China?"

"Sometimes."

"Wow. China."

"Don't you want to know what he does?"

"If I say no, will you tell me anyway?"

"Yep. He works for an electronics company. He's a quality and training inspector."

"That's nice," I say with a little nod of my head before plowing forward. "But, Bella, don't you find it funny that he's allowed to travel halfway around the world and you can't fly to… to… across the country to write a story?" As soon as it's out of my mouth, I regret it. She never told me McSerious was the reason she wasn't traveling. I just assumed.

"No, you have a point. He is a bit controlling."

"A bit?" She doesn't say anything. "How long will he be gone?"

She brightens. "Two weeks. Starting today."

Two weeks. My mind starts doing the calculations. It should work. "Good to know," is all I say.

We round the corner to the store and come face to face with haystacks covered with pumpkins.

"Have at it," I tell her.

"What?"

"Go pick out a pumpkin."

"Why?"

"So we can carve them? You know, Halloween tradition?"

"Really? We're carving pumpkins?" Bella's smile is so bright it could be my own sun. She looks like a five year old at Christmas.

"Yeah, have you never done it?"

"No, I have, but it's been years and years. Some people don't see the point."

"Well, lucky for you, I'm not Edward. Go pick a pumpkin."

Bella flits from pumpkin to pumpkin, eliminating this one because it is warty, that one because it has green spots, and the other one because it is not orange enough.

"Not orange enough?"

"Yeah, it doesn't look… ripe." Before I can say anything she continues. "Like, it was picked too early. It looks sick. A bad, pale orange."

"Okay," I say, shrugging. I pick up a tall, skinny pumpkin. "I've got my pumpkin; it's all up to you now."

"Pressures on, huh? I've touched every single pumpkin here and none of them are right!" She throws her arms up in mock frustration. "What about this one?" She picks up a really round squatty bright orange pumpkin.

"That's a good one, but does it have a good carving side? That's the trick—picking a pumpkin that has a good side to carve." I turn her pumpkin so the back is facing her. "See how this side is a little flatter than the other?"

"Yeah." She nods.

"Well, this would be a good side to carve. Your lines will come out sharper than if you carve on such a curve."

She looks at me, a little awed. "Who would've known you would be such a pumpkin expert. I'm impressed!"

"Nah, it was always a big deal when we were little to carve pumpkins. I really love doing it, that's all."

"Well, thanks for sharing your special activity with me. I'm flattered."

I blush, even though I try not to. "Come on, let's go pay."

I pay for her pumpkin and one of the cheap carving kits amid her protests that she is an "independent woman, man!"

I hand it to her as we leave the store. I've got both pumpkins.

"What's this? These things never work like they should!"

"Yeah, well, you and a knife probably aren't the best combination."

She chuckles. "You're right. Probably not."

When we get back to my apartment, I change into comfy clothes before spreading newspaper on the kitchen floor while Bella washes off the pumpkins. I get a knife out of the dangerous drawer (as Leah calls it), a big spoon and a bowl and finally plop down on the floor.

"Are you _finally_ ready, pumpkin expert?"

"Listen here: you can't rush perfection."

She snorts and holds out her hand for the knife.

"Oh, I don't think so," I tell her, incredulous. "You're not touching a knife while in my presence. I am seriously worried about your fingers."

I cut a hole in the top of her pumpkin around the cut off stem and push the pumpkin towards her.

"I'm allowed to touch it now?"

"Yes. You are on seed removal duty."

"You're kidding."

"Nope." I hand her the spoon and bowl. "Have at it."

She takes the stump-lid off and peers inside, a look of total revulsion on her face.

"Oh! It's not that bad!" She tilts the pumpkin to where I can see inside. It looks dried out and doesn't have very many seeds. She reaches her hand inside and pulls out a clump of seeds, flinging them into the bowl. "This is so gross." She scrunches her face up as one of the stringy parts sticks to her hand.

I laugh at her and go back to the cutting. I make a hole in the top of my pumpkin and take off the lid. "Be glad you didn't get this one, Bella." I tip it towards her so she can she me massive amount of seeds inside.

"Vomit," is her only comment as she continues to pull out seeds.

I take the spoon and start scraping the gunk from the inside of the pumpkin. Soon, I have the interior walls clean. I reach my hand inside and pull out most of the filling in one big handful.

"How do you _do_ that?" Bella is absentmindedly flicking her finger trying to get a stubborn seed off and into the bowl.

"Lots and lots of practice."

"What are you going to carve?"

I hesitate. "Well, that's part of the tradition. My sisters and dad and I would kind of draw names and then carve something on the pumpkin that represents the person we drew. My dad likes to fish, so one time I carved a fish. It wasn't very good; I don't think he could see the fish, but he said he could anyway. And my sisters are both pretty girly so they were always good with a high heel or something like that. One year, I carved the name of the guy my sister Rachel liked. She threw a fit and begged dad not to put it outside, but he did anyway. It was great." I chuckle to myself.

"What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, did he see it? The guy?"

"He did come over that night. He saw it as soon as he got out of the car. I put three candles in it. It was a bright pumpkin."

"And?" She prompts me.

"They went out a week later."

"I love happy endings like that." She smiles at me, so happy in the seemingly storybook ending I don't tell her that two years later he came out of the closet. "So since it's just me and you, do I get to carve my pumpkin for you?"

"Something like that," I tell her, passing the carving kit to her. "Hello, my name is Jacob and I like long walks in the park, getting smacked on the butt and helping damsels in distress."

She snatches the kit out of my hand. "Ha. Ha. Funny." She goes silent, thinking and alternately looking at me and the surface of the pumpkin. Eventually, her eyes brighten and she picks up the little child-safe carving knife only to set it right back down again.

"Do you have a Sharpie?" She asks me.

"Sure, but why do you want one?"

"I don't want to mess up. I want to make sure I cut the lines right so I was going to draw it on first."

I hop up and grab one out of the jar on the table by the door. "Amateur," I call her as I sit back down.

Every few minutes I sneak a glance at Bella. She sits there for a few minutes, staring at me and then at the pumpkin and back again. Finally she picks the Sharpie up like she's ready only to throw it back down again. When she starts staring again, I look up and stare back.

"What are you doing?" She asks me, averting her gaze.

"Well, you were staring at me so I figured I would stare at you."

"Oh, get over yourself," she says and picks back up the Sharpie. With the tip of her tongue just peeking out of the right corner of her mouth, she starts to draw.

After I while, I forget about Bella sitting across from me. I focus on my pumpkin canvas and keep carving away. My pile of discarded pieces is growing steadily. Bella is throwing her discards in the bowl with the seeds so I won't see what she's taking out.

"Oh no! Do you have a wet towel?" Bella exclaims jumping to her feet.

"Did you cut yourself?" I can't imagine how she could manage to with the safety tools I gave her. I'm surprised she hasn't broken them in half yet.

"No, I drew a line I don't like and I want to wipe it off."

"Paper towels are beside the sink. You can try to get it off, but Sharpies are permanent for a reason."

She gets a paper towel and starts scrubbing away on the pumpkin.

"It won't come off," she cries.

"You won't be able to see it in the dark. Don't worry about it."

"Yeah, but _you_ can see it. That's what I'm worried about."

"Its okay, Bella. Don't worry about it."

She sighs and goes back to work.

Finally, she sits up and stretches her back. "Finished!" She proclaims.

"Me too." I look at her. "Okay, let me get some candles and turn off the lights and we'll light them so we can show each other."

A minute or two later, we have the pumpkins on the kitchen counter ready to be lit. We're standing opposite of each other so we each turn ours around to face the other. We light the candles and place them inside. I turn out the lights. The room is filled with a flickering, pale light.

"Ready?"

"Ready."

"On the count of three. One… two… three!"

I spin my pumpkin around just as she turns hers around.

And I start laughing.

"Bella," I start. "You did a face pumpkin."

"I know," she says sheepishly. "I did your face. See? Your kinda spiky hair." She points to thin little strips above the eyes that the light just barely comes out of. "And your big eyes." Sure enough, they are open wide like she somehow managed to catch me mid laugh. "And your smile." Which she got perfect. "That's my favorite part," she adds.

I find myself moving around the counter to stand beside her. I don't think about what I'm doing, I just do it.

I gently slide my hand along her side to her back.

"Jake…"

I pull her toward me just a little. When she doesn't pull away, I take a step towards her. I lean into her, allowing my lips to lightly brush her temple, her cheek, her chin.

A key rattles in the door and Bella is out of my arms like a bullet fired from a gun.

I can hear her breathing heavily, sucking in the air like she'd forgotten how to breathe.

Leah flings open the door. "What the…?"

I switch on the lights. "Hey, Lee."

She stops in the entrance way, taking in the scene in front of her: Bella, gripping the counter, red faced. Me, not two feet away from her, eyes smoldering. Two lit and carved pumpkins on the counter.

"I don't even want to know what's going on here." She says heavily, shoes click clicking on back to her room. Five seconds later, I hear her bedroom door slam.

"Bella," I whisper.

"No, Jake. This can't happen. It _can't_." She's trying to put force behind her words, but she's struggling to make them sound hard. Instead, she sounds mournful. Like she's sorry she's telling me no.

As much as I want to recreate the moment we just shared, I know it's gone. And I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that she is taken and not by me.

With a lot of effort, I turn back to the pumpkin that represents me so well. And immediately see the line she was trying to wipe off.

"Bella, why is Pumpkin Jake crying?"

"I got a little carried away," she says, still not looking at me. I don't say anything because I don't understand. "You're always so happy, Jake. But, I can't help but think about you with tears because I'm afraid that one day I'm going to break your heart." She turns her face toward me then and the sadness and hurt and longing in her eyes is almost more than I can bear.

I take a step towards her, closing the ocean between us, and pull her into a hug. For a second she just stands there, unsure, before finally wrapping her arms around my waist.

"I meant it when I told you I'd be whatever you needed me to be, Bella. I won't go back on that."

She sniffs once, nods into my chest, and pulls away. "Okay, I want to see my pumpkin."

I laugh and let her go.

* * *

**Don't forget to check out the Underdog Award info! Everything you need to know (and probably more) is up on my blog. noteventhetreesff (dot) wordpress (dot) com**


	9. Autumn: Disguises

**Friday, Friday. Sigh. You have been a long time coming. I have had enough of this week! 10, 11 and 12 hour days are now behind me! (does very long and extended happy dance... then passes out on the floor)**

**I am off to Hotlanta to see Mat Kearney! Oh, Mat, though you are now married and my heart will be forever broken, I will forgive you because your music makes me happy. Favorite line of the day: "Sometimes the hardest things are the dreams that we've been given." Now, come on, yall. That's some good stuff. :)**

_**Voting is now open for the Underdog Awards! You can find all the info on my blog noteventhetreesff (dot) wordpress (dot) com All of the voting information has just been added to my blog, with step by step directions and links to all the pages you need to submit your votes. There are some other really great stories nominated! (But, you know you want to vote for All I Have's two entries!)**_

**I don't stake claim in any of the characters or tunes mentioned in this chapter. I'm okay with that-I have my own much more fun characters under construction that I can claim. Well, they keep me entertained at least, haha. **

**Beta props go to** llynn20 **who helped me come up with the pumpkin carving ideas. We had lots o fun throwing ideas around. But, for real, I am a very, very blessed and lucky girl to have her as a friend. Yall should thank her, too. She had kept me sane today (I really, really needed some sane today... I didn't even think I would get to post this before we hit the road) and let me send her multiple all-caps email yell-a-thons. It was not pretty. Not at all. But, she is fab-o and just let me holler. REAL LOUD. And now I am sane again. So thank her for saving the few brain cells I had left after this crazy, crazy week. Thanks, ficwife. I owe you one! :)**

**

* * *

Part One: Autumn**

_Here we go at it three years later __  
Will you help me to dream it all up again?  
Tired of the same song everyone's singing  
Rather be lost with you instead _

**Chapter 9: Disguises**

"Are you ready for the magnificence that is your pumpkin?" My enthusiasm is somewhat fake, but I'd never, ever let Bella know that. I'm second-guessing what I carved based on my previous promise to be whatever she needed me to be. But what's done is done and I can only move forward from here. I don't even bother to turn the lights back off.

"Yes!" She shouts back to me, full of excitement.

"Okay!" I place my hands on the pumpkin. "Here you go! Presenting Bella in pumpkin form!" I wave my hands over the still-lit pumpkin that is facing her. "Ta-da!" I exclaim, like a magician.

Bella looks at the pumpkin for a second before smiling. "Oh, Jake, it's perfect." She looks down at the bell I carved using different levels of shading, the little dash, and finally the lowercase "a."

"Were you going to leave it on the porch for me and hope I'd see it?" She's got a twinkle in her eye.

"Well, the countertop is more like it. Sorry if you think it's too much. I couldn't help myself. I wasn't expecting any kind of happy ending." My tone drops off a little at the end and I remind myself again that I will be whatever she needs me to be.

Silently, Leah reappears in the living room. "Jake," she says lazily. "We need to discuss costumes for Sam and Emily's." She grabs her keys and leaves the apartment.

Bella just watches the door Leah all but slammed. "I'm sorry if I'm making your life difficult," she says to the door. I'm not sure if she means my life or Leah's.

"You're not. But I was going to ask you if you had plans for Halloween. My best friend Sam and his fiancée Emily have this crazy Halloween bash every year. Do you want to go with me?"

"When is it?" There are heavy amounts of caution present in her voice.

"I did the math already; he won't be back yet. Its Halloween weekend. He should come back the week after, right?" She looks surprised. "It wasn't that hard to trace your line of thinking." I tap my head with my finger.

"Well. Yeah, he will. But I don't know, Jake. It might not be the best idea."

I have to catch myself from pushing her into going. "If that's what you think, I'm okay with that. Maybe we can just hang out then? Together?"

Bella finally smiles at me. "That I can do."

She hangs around till that awkward do or die time for dinner. Before we can talk about eating, Leah comes bustling back into the apartment.

"I got us dinner, Jake. Mein Moon—your favorite." She plunks the white to-go bag right in front of Bella. "Oh, are you staying? I didn't get you anything… that's just too bad!"

I give Leah a murderous look before looking at Bella trying to gage her reaction. "You can stay if you want, I'll share mine with you. I'm sure Leah would even be glad to share. We all know the portions are huge."

"Yeah," she snorts. "Like I'd share—"

Before she can finish, I cut her off. "So maybe that's a no on the Leah sharing part. But you can certainly have some of mine."

Leah sighs. "Jake, _I_ brought dinner for _me_ and _you_." She stops taking the food out of the bag and stares at Bella who is cowering behind the counter like it's her protective shield just trying to stay out of the whole thing.

But before she can get any further, Bella speaks up. "It's okay, Jake. I should probably get home anyway. I have to feed the cats and I have leftovers from last night to eat."

She is far too kind to Leah. I shoot Leah another look. She just looks back at me like she's the poster child for innocence. I roll my eyes and walk Bella to the door. She opens it and I follow her out into the hallway. As soon as she's out of the tension in the kitchen, I see her relax.

"You don't have to leave, you know."

"That's very nice of you to say, but I kind of do. I do need to feed the cats and I don't want to cause any more problems between you and Leah."

"Sometimes I want to whack her upside the head with a stick. She's so… ugh."

Bella somehow offers me a small laugh. "I had a really great time today, Jake. Thanks for an absolutely perfect afternoon." She leans up on her tip toes, kisses me on the cheek, and walks down the hall, without looking back once. I'm left frozen watching her walk away.

Leah's getting two plates out of the cabinet when I walk back into the apartment.

"Oh good, the trash went back to where it belongs," she says, in her sickly sweet voice.

I stare at her. I am seething. Nothing I could say to her will be good. At all. So I don't say anything as she plates up my pepper beef and fried rice. She even puts two packs of soy sauce on the edge of the plate. I grab a fork and a napkin. When she's done, she hands me the plate.

I take it from her and turn out of the kitchen. I hear Leah follow.

I put my plate on the coffee table and sit down on the sofa. Leah sits beside me a moment later. The sauce smells just right, that perfect blend of spice and sweet that only Mein Moon can master. My nose is tingling from the hotness and my mouth is watering.

My fork is almost to my mouth when Leah speaks. "Now this is how I expected my night to be. Nice and quiet, just me and you. No riff-raff."

I practically throw my fork down. I push my plate away and stand up, pulling out my wallet in the process.

"What's wrong now?" She whines.

"I can't eat this, Leah." I throw a ten on the table. "There are too many strings attached."

* * *

Awake.

I am awake, but I don't know why. As I slowly come to, I realize my phone is blasting its merry jingle of a ring. I slap my hand onto my bedside table, seizing my phone in my hand and bringing it to me. The screen glows a bright blue and I can hardly focus enough to see who's calling me. I answer the call and hold the phone to my ear, grunting out a greeting.

"Hey."

More grunting on my end.

"It's Bella."

My head clears a little. I roll over to check the time on my alarm clock. 2:41. In the morning.

"What's wrong?" I ask her, fearing the worst.

"Nothing!" Her response is entirely too chipper for almost three am. "Are you sleeping?"

I grunt. And roll my eyes. Granted she can't see that, but it makes me feel better.

"I want to go."

"You want to what?" I mumble into the phone, not really awake enough to enunciate any better.

"I want to go to the party. Sam and Emily's. If you'll still take me."

"You called me to tell me you wanted to go to the party."

"Yeah… should I have waited till in the morning?"

"Uh, yeah, maybe."

"Okay." She pauses for two beats. "Well, can I?"

I sigh. "Can you what?"

"Can I go? To the party? I had this brilliant idea for costumes that aren't _that_ complicated and I can get them done in time and I think it would be a lot of fun because, really, when do I ever get to have fun? When I'm with you, that's when. So why would I _not_ want to go? Oh, and I need your pants size."

"Why are you awake?"

"What?"

"Why are you awake, Bella? It's the middle of the night."

"I know, but I was writing and, well, I've had about a pot of coffee and I was just thinking about it. I don't think I'm going to tell you what we're going as. I think it needs to be a surprise. But I think you'll like it. If you agree. To take me. And to the costumes."

"Okay, Bella. Okay. Yes, I still want you to go. Yes, you can do costumes. May I go back to bed now? Please?"

I hang up and drop my phone into the bed with me.

I lie on my back, staring at the ceiling. The light from my window and the trees outside make all kinds of patterns with the shadows and I watch them turn into elephants and houses and shrubbery before eventually falling back asleep.

* * *

As usual, when you're waiting for something good to happen, time drags. Leah has been avoiding me just as much as I've been avoiding her since the dinner disaster. When I finally tell her that I'm not going to the party with her, she is relatively calm.

"Who are you going with then?"

"A friend," I tell her, which technically isn't a lie.

"Okay, well then I guess I'll see you there."

To be honest, her nonchalance about the whole thing is kinda creeping me out. It makes me worry she's got something up her sleeve. What, I can't even begin to fathom.

I haven't heard a peep from Bella since we carved our pumpkins. We don't have a window that faces the street, so I put the pumpkins in the hallway of the building. A lot of other people do it too so I'm not really worried about them getting busted or going missing. When it's time to light them, I'll use these little electric tea lights Leah got from somewhere for something.

Bella did text me this week to ask me my pants size.

_Why do you need to know?_

_ For the costume. No, I won't tell you anymore. So spill. Pants size, please._

It was pointless to argue with her. Finally I gave in and told her. I didn't even get a thank you.

But, no matter how much thinking I do about our costumes, I can't come up with anything she could possibly be planning. The ideas that do pop into my mind frighten me more than anything else. And there's plenty of "anything else" that I would rather imagine.

Finally, a day before the party, she calls.

"They are done. I am proud of myself!"

"Will you tell me what we're going to be now? Please?" If I were looking at her, the puppy dog look would be much more effective. It doesn't translate through the phone lines well.

"Nope, but it's epic. Epic, I say! Epic!"

"Bella, I don't know when I've heard you this excited."

"Hum." I can almost _hear_ her thinking. "You have a point. I'm just really excited about this weekend. It's been ages since I've been to a party. Why don't I bring everything over around 8:30 and we can get ready and head over there?"

"Okay," I tell her wearily. No matter how much reassurance she's trying to give me I'm still worried she's going to dress me up in something crazy. For all I know she could have duplicated one of Lady Gaga's "masterpieces" and made a matching outfit for me. We could be Lady Gaga… and minion. I can almost picture the lobster hat already on my head. I shudder. "See you then."

When Saturday arrives, I'm a ball of mess. I'm nervous about the costumes, I'm excited about taking Bella out, I'm worried about what Leah's up to, I'm relieved I don't have to worry about it anymore. At 8:43, Bella knocks on the door. I open it and she's standing there, out of breath.

"I had to lug this up all your stairs," she pants at me, pointing to the huge black garbage bag beside her. "I'm afraid I sweated off all of my makeup."

Since she gave me an excuse, I look her over. Her hair is in ringlets, pulled half up and tied with a black satin bow. Bouncy looking curls hang on her shoulders. Her brown eyes are dark with shadow and what I think is eyeliner; they are smoky gray and black with something I don't have a name for other than shimmer dusted over them. Her lips are red, begging me to do things to them I can't.

To avoid temptation, I shift my gaze to examine her outfit. She has on knee high boots and a black skirt that is just tight enough to show her curves, but not too tight to be tasteless. Her top is also black. It is very, very fitted. And it leaves nothing to my imagination. She is in head-to-toe black and I almost don't want there to be a missing piece to her outfit. I can't imagine her looking any more delicious.

"You look stunning, Bella." My voice is a bit huskier than I meant for it to be. I cough. "Come on in." I reach out and try to take the bag from her but she swats my hand away.

"Nope, you'll peek." She brushes past me and into the apartment. With a sigh I let the door drop shut and turn to face her, ready for my worst costume dreams to come true.

"Maybe I should have told you this before, but I have veto power on whatever comes out of that bag."

"No, no veto. You'll love it." She untwists the bag and pulls out a piece of fur.

"Fur? There's no way in hell I'm wearing fur."

"Oh, just calm down!" She pulls out another piece of fur. I realize they are hands. Fur hands.

Then she pulls out a pair of blue jeans. Really dark denim fade front jeans. "If those are those emo tight fit jeans, I'm not wearing them." No way am I leaving the house looking like a furry emo.

She stands up and looks at me. "Come on, do you think I have no ability to dress you?"

I shrug. "Two words: Veto. Power."

She rummages in the bag again and pulls out a plaid shirt. It's not a lumberjack plaid shirt. It's a thinner material and… "Are those pearl snap buttons?"

She tosses me the shirt. The reds and greens and blues are kind of cool.

Next out of the bag are fur feet. "To go over your shoes," she says.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to be until she pulls out the final piece of her costume. At the very bottom of the bag is a neatly folded piece of red cloth. She unfolds it and shakes it out. Once I see the entire piece, I realize it's larger than I thought. And the fabric is thick and had some sort of shimmery quality. She wraps it around her neck and ties it, pulling a hood I didn't notice over her curls. The deep red of the cape is the exact shade of the red on her lips.

She's Little Red Riding Hood.

"I'm the Big Bad Wolf, aren't I?"

"Yeah! Isn't it a great idea? You're already the big, bad boy in my life, so why not just put it into action? Big Bad Jake."

"Well, you do have a point there," I concede. "Let me change." I gather up all of my little costume pieces and head back to my bedroom. It only takes a minute to put it all on. The jeans are tight, but not too tight. So is the shirt. It's fitted enough to show the muscles underneath, but not make me look like I should be on Jersey Shore. With a heavy sigh, I slide on one of the fur hands. Totally surprising me, it's actually quite comfortable. She got a pair of mittens (how she found mittens to fit my huge hands blows my mind), cut the fingers off, and somehow stuck the fur to the part that covers the top of my hands. I still have the use of my fingers but at the same time I'm part wolf. I look at the pieces that fit over my shoes. They lace up the back. I place it over my sneaker and tie the fur on. It flops over my shoes making them look hairy. I pull the cuffs of my new favorite pair of jeans over the tops of them.

I will never forget the look on Bella's face when I come back into the living room.

She is standing across the room, with her back to me looking through Leah and I's pile of DVDs. I clear my throat and she turns around.

Even from where I'm standing, I can see her eyes go dark.

And then she licks her lips.

I make my feet grow into steel beams so I can't grab her and kiss her senseless.

"Are you ready?" I can't hide the desire in my voice, however. It is what it is.

"Almost." She walks over to the black costume bag and reaches inside. Whatever she pulls out she hides behind her back as she approaches me. When she's standing in front of me, she stands on her tip toes and reaches up towards my head, brushing her body along mine in the process. I have to stop the growl that is building in my chest. I feel her slide something on my head. She adjusts it for a minute and then steps back. She turns me towards the mirror hanging in the living room.

"Oh, no. No. Veto!" I holler as I pull the set of ears off my head. "No. I will not wear ears!"

* * *

**Don't forget! Voting for the Underdog Awards opens today! The (I'm guessing) will be open sometime today. As of noon EST, I couldn't find the link on the site. But keep checking my blog for it because as soon as I find it, I will post it! :) **


	10. Autumn: Forfeits

**FIRDAY! And two weeks of freedom! Summer school officially ended today and I am very pleased to say I got an A in this "semester's" class. Whooot! So my plan until August 19 (when classes start back up) is to put as much on paper for this story as I possibly can. I'm thinking at least five chapters. Think I can do it?  
**

**Please don't forget to vote in the Underdog Awards! Voting ends on August 13th. I would be forever happy if you voted! AIH is nominated in two categories: Funny moments and fluffy moments. One is Wave One and the other is Wave Four. All of the info (including how to join LiveJournal) regarding voting is on my blog. Thank you for supporting this little story who thinks it can! :) Mini Krispy Kreme's for you all!**

**Hum, let's see. Yep, rights to all of these characters and music hasn't changed. Though... I did have a pretty monumental event happen to me last Friday. So, you know how I said I was going to see Mat Kearney? Well, I TOTALLY GOT TO MEET HIM! I have a picture for proof and an autograph and a t-shirt and haha I'm such a nerd! I'm still walking around grinning like a loon. **

**And, my beta-turned-very-good-friend **llynn20** has a little bit of Mat in the mail to her, too! Ahhh! I think we had a mini (okay, well huge) text freak out after I met Mat. So, thanks, **llynn**, for everything you do for me... letting me freak out about Mat, believing in me and my skillz, and for just being awesome. :) Love ya, sis. Now I think it's your turn for some posting action, yes?**

**I don't think I've said this before (shame on me!) but reading ya'lls reviews makes my day (and a lot of times, my week). I try and respond to each one (I'm behind from last week, but I will get to you!) before I post the next chapter. Thank you for your wonderful words! :) This is the last chapter in the first part... so next week will be the start of Winter. Big changes for these two coming!  
**

**I will shut up now. Promise.**

* * *

**Part One: Autumn**

_Here we go at it three years later  
Will you help me to dream it all up again?  
Tired of the same song everyone's singing  
Rather be lost with you instead _

**Chapter Ten: Forfeits**

"You have to wear the ears, Jake!" Bella's trying to put them back on my head. "They're the best part of the whole thing!"

"No, they are the worst part. I look like an idiot!"

"Well, Jake, if you don't wear them people won't know what you're supposed to be!"

"So you don't think the hairy hands and feet and your red cape won't give it away?"

She sputters for a second. "Oh, just wear them! They were the hardest part to make!"

I feel myself giving in. "Fine." I sigh in the most sarcastic manner possible.

"You'll wear them?" Bella is bouncing on her toes she's so excited.

"I will wear them for ten minutes at the beginning of the party. Let everyone laugh. Then they come off. And they will not go back on."

"Deal!" She cries way too quickly. Which makes me think I've given her more than she really hoped for in the first place. I'm such a sucker.

When we leave the apartment building, Bella pulls her hood up high on her head so I can hardly see her face. I start to ask her about it but realize that being seen with me might not be the best of ideas. So I just don't say anything.

We talk about Sam and Emily and I give her a little background on them and the party that has become quite the event. We're both excited to see what everyone comes dressed as.

"This is where we met, you know." Bella says to me as we approach the intersection she fell down in.

"We met playing kickball," I counter.

"No, you _hit on me_ while we were playing kickball. That doesn't count. _This_ counted. Because we got to have a real conversation. And you bandaged my elbow. I might not have liked you if it hadn't been for the elbow." She winks at me.

The light changes for us to cross the street and just as we take a step into the road, a taxi comes flying through the intersection blaring its horn. Bella and I jump back to the safety of the sidewalk.

"You'd think they would pay attention to red lights," she sighs. "Déjà vu." She takes a step forward, but I throw my arm out to stop her. I venture into the intersection checking both ways first.

"All clear," I say and drop my arm, weaving my fingers into hers.

The red "don't walk" hand has started flashing on the other side of the street. Bella looks up at me but doesn't say anything. She takes a step into the street and then runs the rest of the way across, pulling me along behind her. When we get to the other side, I let her hand go.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to overstep."

She shrugs her shoulders. "No worries." She places her hand in mine. "It was nice; I liked it."

Something's made us both unusually bold tonight. Bella has the protection of hiding under her hood, like it's a security blanket. If anyone saw her with me but couldn't see her face, they would have no idea who was under the cape; we'd be just another couple out on Halloween on the way to a party. I wish I had the similar feeling of protection. I just have furry hands and feet.

We walk the remaining few blocks with our fingers knitted together.

"Are you ready?" I ask Bella as I open the door to the building.

"Ready for some fun," she answers.

We go inside.

* * *

Sam and Emily have cleared all the furniture out of their living room to make a makeshift dance floor. I can only imagine where all their furniture can be. Their apartment isn't huge. The scene is a little overwhelming as we stand in the entrance way and take it in. I can see an Indian and Indian Princess (maybe Quil and Claire?), someone with an ax sticking out of their head, a Marilyn Monroe, Mustard and Ketchup, and all kinds of other things. But I don't see Sam or Emily.

I hear them.

"Jake!" Sam bellows from off to my left.

"Sam!" I shout back.

Someone is pushing through the crowd. All I can see is a black cape being held in front of a face. And a really, really bad Elvis-style plastic hairpiece. When the caped figure gets to Bella and me, it throws both arms out to the side, holding up its cape.

"I vant to suck your bloooooood!" Sam says to Bella pretty creepily. He smiles at her revealing those cheap, white plastic vampire teeth. She laughs. He sticks his hand out to her. "I'm Sam. And I don't know you."

She offers him her hand. "No, you don't! I'm Bella, a friend of Jake's."

"Oh! You're the receipt girl!" Emily materializes at Sam's side.

Bella looks at Emily and then at me, confused.

"I would have thrown your number away if Emily hadn't seen it first." I kind of whisper in her ear.

"That wouldn't have mattered anyway, would it?" Bella offers me a smile meant only for me. She turns back to Emily and introduces herself. "Are you and Sam Dracula and his bride?"

"Yep! Fitting since we're getting married in the summer. I nabbed the wig from my mom. I can't even begin to wonder why she had it!" Emily's wig is a jet black mess of tangled fake hair that hangs to her knees. She has on a fitted black dress that is floor length and torn into shreds around the bottom. It makes me think of the Addams family.

"Well, you two look fantastic!" Bella compliments them.

"I can't believe you got Jake to wear _fur_," Emily says pulling Bella away from me towards the kitchen. Bella looks at me as she goes. I wink at her.

"So… Bella. Something you've been holding back from me, man?"

"No, man. She's just a friend."

"There is nothing 'just a friend' about the two of you. I can see it in your faces."

I knew I was struggling to keep my feelings for Bella in check, but I didn't know it was that bad. "Yeah, well, she has a boyfriend."

"And, let me guess. He doesn't know she's here with you."

"No, he's in China."

"And you believe that?"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Because she doesn't want you to know something… maybe that she's a chronic cheat? I don't know. But, China?"

I take a deep breath. I don't want to question what Bella's told me. I know it's true. I _has_ to be. "Yeah, China. He's a bad dude, Sam. Something's not right with him. And if Bella needs me to be her friend, then I will be her friend."

He slaps me on the back. "Keep on telling yourself that, Jake. But the two of you are more than friends." Emily and Bella are approaching us through the crowd. "Not that I'm complaining about you having a lady friend, just be careful."

When they reach us, they hand us each a beer. Bella comes to stand beside me as Sam and Emily go to dance.

"I like Emily, she's really nice!"

"Yeah, she tends to just welcome everyone with open arms. She and Sam are probably my best friends."

"Well, I'm glad you brought me then… and let me into your world."

I take a sip of my beer to keep from doing something I might regret later.

"Come on, let's go dance," Bella says, and pulls me towards the middle of the living room without giving me a chance to answer her.

As soon as we start to dance, the song changes to "Monster Mash."

"How do you dance to this?" I moan to Bella. I'm not the best dancer as it is. I am best at the hip-hop, girl in your lap variety of dancing.

"I don't know, but it looks like Sam's got it down!" Sam's moving like his joints are three hundred years old, leg up, leg down, bend at the waist, arms out in front of him. It almost looks like he died doing the robot because he was attacked by a zombie.

* * *

Bella and I dance song after song, just enjoying each other and the music and the crowd. The longer we dance, the more touchy we get. Her hand on my hip, my arm, a finger hooked in a belt loop. Mine around her waist, moving up her back, pulling her hips flush to mine. Always touching, but never enough. The whole time we're dancing, Bella still has her hood over her head, hiding underneath it. The music shifts abruptly from fast to slow, sensual and hot. Bella's movements slow considerably, but she's still pressed flush against me. She throws her arm around my neck allowing her fingers to play with the hair on the back of my head. Had we been in a dark club, my lips would be all over her. I don't care about the outside world; I care about this moment, right here, right now. But the bright lights in Sam's apartment keep me in check. Bella does some kind of slow, grinding hip movement and I almost lose it right there. Just when I think I can't take one more note, one more _thump thump_ of bass, one more swirl of her hips, Bella looks up at me from under her hood. The shadow it casts on her face makes her look sexy and mysterious.

"I need a drink! I'll be right back!" I reluctantly release her and let her go. I watch her navigate through the crowd only to be intercepted by Emily. I watch them for a moment before deciding to follow. As I take my first step, I feel someone grab my wrist.

"Hey, did you save a dance for me?" I turn to see Leah in black leather pants and tube top. She had red devil horns on her head. And I can't deny it. Leah looks hot.

We start to move like we're in sixth grade again, making sure to leave plenty of space for the Holy Spirit between us. Before I know what's happened, Leah is pressed to me and somehow—I swear it wasn't a conscious decision. Maybe because of pent up feeling from dancing with Bella?—somehow, my hands are wrapped around her waist and I'm holding her to me, allowing the two of us to move as one being. The song suddenly ends and I realize what I've done.

I gently push Leah away. "I'm sorry, Lee. I was out of hand."

She steps toward me. "It was good, Jake. It's just me and you… no harm done, right?" Her smile is pure friendship and nothing more. "It's not like you're cheating on your girlfriend or anything."

But that's exactly what I feel like I'm doing even though I know it's ridiculous.

I can't tell that to Leah. She wouldn't understand. I don't know what else to do so I just shrug and walk away.

Bella is still talking to Emily, but they're in the small kitchen now. I can see Bella's red cape but her back is to me. When I walk up behind her, I have to resist the urge to wrap my arms around her waist, sneak a kiss on her neck or maybe her ear, and just hold her to me.

"Hey," she says brightly. "Em was telling me about the wedding. You didn't tell me you were Sam's best man!"

"There was no one else he would have ever dreamed of asking," Emily adds with an exaggerated wink to me.

I feel eyes boring into my back even though I can't see them. I sneak a glance over my shoulder looking for the culprit. Everyone seems immersed in their conversations or the music. I don't see her until I am almost face forward again. Leah is standing on the edge of the crowd, not dancing, not talking—just staring. At me. I can tell by her expression that she doesn't know who exactly is under the hood. I think if she did she would be wearing an entirely different set of emotions on her face.

"Are you hot, Jake? I'm about to burn up," Bella says, sliding her hood off her head for the first time that night. "I might need to get some air. Want to join me?"

From the corner of my eye I see Leah's face go sheet white. She clenches her teeth and her fists as the purple starts its way up her neck.

"Yeah, that sounds good," I say hoping to get us out of the apartment before Leah can do anything. Bella and I turn to head towards the door. She is leading me through the people and without thinking, reaches back to take my hand so we can move together easier. We're in the almost through the crowd when Leah catches us.

"You have some nerve, girl."

"Leah…" I warn.

Bella turns around to face Leah.

"You have some nerve. Being out with Jacob when your _boyfriend_ probably thinks you're at the movie or something equally lame. I won't let you do this to him anymore. He's already more attached to you than he has any business being. And you do _nothing_ but egg him on. Dancing? Hand holding?" She pauses for a breath. And I realize she's been watching me and the Little Red Riding Hood all night long. "Why can't you just leave him alone? All you're going to do is hurt him. Because he's obviously infatuated with you and he _can't have you_. So tell me why." She waits two beats. "Hello? I'm talking to you. I said, 'tell me why.' So tell me." Leah crosses her arms over her chest and stares at Bella ready for whatever she will say. Bella's grip on my hand tightens. I squeeze back.

Bella just looks at Leah like she's bored stiff. "I don't have to justify anything to you, Leah." She turns away from her. "Come on, Jake, let's go." I can feel Bella trembling through her bravado.

Leah reaches out and grabs Bella's shoulder, spinning her back around. Bella jerks out of her grip before I can make Leah release her. "Oh! Oh, yes you do! Jacob is _my_ best friend and when it comes to what happens to him I am allowed to be involved. So tell me why you're treating him this way. Why you're toying with him. Tell me!"

They stare each other down for a few seconds. Leah makes a move to say something but before she can, Bella turns to me. I can't place a single emotion or feeling in her expression. I only know it's a strong one.

Before I can blink, Bella's reached up and grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me down to her, one of the pearl snap buttons popping open in the process. As soon as our lips make contact, she lets out a little moan, wrapping her fingers into my hair. My arms, already around her waist, pull her to me in a swift jerk. One hand slides down her back, almost gripping her butt, and the other is pressed to her lower back, holding her to me.

It's odd what your mind thinks about in a moment like that. At first, I was worried about what people would think. But the longer Bella kissed me, the more I forgot. Or just found I didn't care. Everything in that room—the music, the talk, the people, the heat, the crowd—all melted into nothing in those few, fleeting moments she kissed me.

And then, before I am ready, Bella pulls away, leaving me panting and reaching for more.

"How's that for an answer, Leah?" Bella tries to push the emotion back down, but I can still feel it pulsing through her body, matching the feelings in my own.

Yet, I stare at her completely dumbfounded. I'm impressed that she stood up to Leah like that, but also shocked by her actions. Not that it's not what I wanted… it's just what I never expected to actually _get_. Leah and Bella are still staring each other down, not saying a word.

Finally, Sam approaches Leah. "Lee, I think you should go." She looks at me, wanting me to tell her that it's okay, that it's not like that with Bella and me, that she should stay.

"I think Sam's right, Lee." I know she's embarrassed beyond belief, yet she's doing a stellar job not showing it. Keeping her head held high, she walks through the crowd of people, some still oblivious to the whole situation, to the door. She pauses, turning to look back at me before leaving, opens her mouth to speak, decides against it, and leaves the party.

I turn to Bella. Her wide brown eyes meet mine. I reach my hand out to her, but before she I can make contact, she turns and flees down the hallway. Like an idiot I just stand there watching her go.

"Go after her, idiot!" Emily is at my side, pushing me the way Bella ran. I go. I know she's not in Sam and Emily's bedroom. They shut their dog in there; there is a sign on the door that says "Caution: Rabid Animal." That leaves the bathroom and the guest room. I have sneaking suspicion that the furniture is in the guest room. The bathroom door is shut and I can see the light coming out from under the door. I knock.

"Bella?" No answer. "It's Jake. May I come in?" More silence.

I'm about to knock again when I hear a muffled voice.

"It's not locked."

I open the door slowly and there she is: sitting on the toilet lid, feet pulled up to her chest. When she finally looks at me her eyes are wild—flashing from emotion to emotion—shock, anger, hurt, sadness, joy—all in rapid succession. I kneel down in front of her.

"Bella, are you okay?"

"I don't know what I just did."

"I think you went with your gut on that one. My pumpkin must have worked after all." She kind of makes a noise that resembles a laugh.

"I'm such a mess when I'm with you, Jake! I shouldn't have done that. I have a boyfriend. A live-in one at that! What was I _thinking_?" She looks at me like I have all the answers. I wish I did.

"Do you want to go?" I ask her, hoping she will say yes.

"I don't want to stay," she answers. I stand and offer her my hand. She takes it and I pull her to her feet.

This time, she wraps her arms around my waist and hugs me. We stand there for a while, just wrapped around each other, my head on top of hers, just feeling what it's like to be that close to each other. It's an entirely new feeling now that the barrier we've both been putting up has finally been broken and we've felt what we've been fighting from the beginning.

**AN: So, now I know you want to go and vote for AIH in the Underdog Awards! All of the voting information is on my blog which you can get to through my FF profile. :) Have a fantabulous weekend!**


	11. Winter: Hands

**We have a broken AC at the house. I have showered, dressed, and put make up on in the dark for two days now (I'm lucky I don't look like a clown when I leave). It's just too hot to have the lamps on... they put out too much heat. You know its bad when you walk outside into the muggy, humid already hot morning and you get chills because it's "cold" compared to the temp in the house. HA! And the heat index today should be between 107 and 110. I might need a place to hide when I get off work! Mini random rant over (I know, poor, pitiful me. Really, I should just be lucky we have AC... it could be much worse!), I will move on to Friday greetings! Happy Friday! **

**Today is the last day to vote in the Underdog Awards! If you've voted, thank you, thank you! If not, the info is on my ff blog which is the "homepage" on my FF profile. **

**This chapter would not have been posted today if it weren't for the speedy turnaround skillz of my beta **llynn20**. And, this chapter needed lotsa work. That's what I get for writing chapters the week I post them. If the cosmos have anything else to throw at you regarding TIBS, they'd better toss it your way! Oh, and the desk in this chapter? Hopefully, it will soon be **llynn's**! Thanks for sharing your brainstorms with me... and letting me steal them right away!**

**I don't own characters or music. They are all the brain children of authors or musicians. Not I. Though I might be taking two creative writing classes in the spring, so then those characters will be mine. **

**It makes me happy that so many of you were making guesses for this chapter in the reviews! I love knowing what you think will happen... sometimes, it kinda makes me want to change the story line I've already got laid out. Keep 'em coming! :)  
**

**Yall have a wonderful, wonderful weekend!  
**

* * *

**Part Two: Winter**

_Is it cold yet in New York City?_  
'_Round here the trees been blowing off red  
Everyone's talking about change on the airwaves  
I still got you on my breath _

**Chapter Eleven: Hands**

We stand that way for a minute, just holding each other, before she speaks.

"I don't regret what I did." She looks up at me. I'm torn. It's clear that she wants me to kiss her, standing here in Emily's spotless bathroom, but I'm worried about what that would mean for her as far as her relationship is concerned. But before I can make any kind of decision, her lips are on mine. And once again I melt into her, falling into the moment and Bella and everything this night has meant.

I don't want it to end: this feeling, this night, any part of it.

I want to take her home and collapse into my bed and kiss her and touch her till we're both too exhausted to do anymore.

But I know that can't happen.

I pull away from her just enough to break our kiss.

"What?" She asks me, a hard line furrowing her otherwise beautiful brow.

"I just want to do this right, Bella. Sam and Emily's bathroom doesn't exactly constitute as right in my book." I pause, straightening her cape around her shoulders. "Let's go."

I open the bathroom door to find Sam on the other side, fist raised, ready to knock.

"Well, you saved me _that _awkward interruption." I glance down at Bella to see her flush red, but smiling. "Glad to see you're okay, Bella," Sam says and then turns his attention to me. "Jake, Leah left, but I don't know where she went." Translated, Sam's worried that Leah went back to our apartment. Where I intended to take Bella. That would be a slight problem.

"Thanks, Sam. I'll keep my eye out for her."

* * *

Outside, the temperature has turned crisp. Bella wraps her cape around her and the image of her in my coat comes floating back into my mind. Knowing there's no point in holding back now, I wrap my arm around her shoulders and hold her to my side, trying to share my warmth with her. We walk as slow as possible back towards our neighborhood, but we don't talk much. I'm afraid to bring up what happened at the party; afraid Bella will change her mind, realize what a mistake she's making, and leave me standing in the cold Halloween night alone—and dressed like a wolf.

Leave it to my wolf-like appetite to insist upon hot dogs at the corner vendor.

"Hey, Bella?"

"Hey, Jake?"

"Can we get a hot dog? They're only the best hot dogs in the city. The guy is legendary. He's been here for years! Please?"

"Why are you begging? If you want a hot dog, get a hot dog."

"But I want you to have one, too."

"I'll just have a bite of your dog," she offers, brows waggling.

I grump at her and hand the vendor a five dollar bill. Street food is so expensive, but at—I check my watch._ No way it's already this late!—_2:45 in the morning, what can you do? If you're hungry, you're hungry. He hands me a hotdog in one of those paper trays and I immediately pump ketchup all over the dog.

"Here, you can have first bite." I hold the hot dog out to Bella, who looks like she might puke.

"That's okay, I'll pass."

"What's wrong with my hot dog? It is not good enough for you?" I take a huge bite and chew.

She reaches into her back pocket and pulls out a twenty. "One dog, please," she asks the vendor. He hands her the hot dog and she pays, pocketing her change. She approaches the condiments. Very daintily, she squirts a perfect line of mustard down the length of the bun, but only on one side. Then, she picks up a pack of pepper and shakes it over the whole thing.

"Picky, much?" I ask her as she takes a small bite.

"I know, it's totally random. But when you don't like ketchup, you—"

"You don't like ketchup? How can you not like ketchup? You're practically un-American! Maybe you _should_ go back to Cuba."

She laughs at me. "Ketchup makes me sick—I hate it. The smell, the taste, the consistency. It's gross."

A crowd starts to gather so we move away from the stand and start walking. I don't know where we're going, but I'm pretty content to wander aimlessly with her.

I huff. "What did ketchup do to deserve the wrath of Bella?"

"Well," she starts, and I know she's got a story behind her anti-ketchup agenda. "When I was in high school, I waited tables at this local hangout." She stops and looks at me. "You probably don't even want to hear this."

I stop too and turn to face her. "Bella? I want to hear anything and everything you have to say. Don't ever hold back around me, okay?" If I could get close enough to kiss her I would just to make my point, but I've got the offensively–doused hot dog in my hand and I don't want to get it on Bella. So, instead, I take her wrist and help myself to a bite of her hot dog.

She watches me, waiting for my reaction. Mustard on a hot dog is standard, but the pepper?

"It does something for the overall hot dog experience. I like it. I will steal it. But I will give you total pepper credit."

She laughs. "Okay," she says, taking another bite. After she swallows, she continues. "Well, I was by far the youngest person to ever work there; a lot of the ladies were… well, they were old. I was hired as a cashier, but I did everything—waitress, run the drive through, and make hundreds of little honey mustard cups.

"This one night we were about to close when we had five or six tables come in at once while I was in the back filling up my ketchup bottles, you know—the plastic squirty ones?" I nod. "One of the other girls stuck her head in the back and yelled at me that I had a table. So, I stacked my open ketchup bottles—the lids were up front soaking in hot water—across my arm like I did every night and went flying back up front. Well, the dishwasher has just mopped by the dish machine and forgot to put a sign down and I didn't know it was wet, so when my beat up sneakers hit the wet floor, down I went—hitting my head twice on the way down, thank you. When I was able to stand up, all I could see and smell was ketchup." She wrinkles her nose in disgust at the memory. "When I fell, I squeezed the bottles to my chest and the ketchup came flying out—all over my shirt, all up my nose, in my eyes, into my hair and all over the ceiling and down the back wall of pots and pans. I was gagging and people were laughing and trying to wipe me off, but it didn't help, I was still gagging, but then I just started laughing and I couldn't stop. It was the most disgusting thing that has ever happened to me. Ever."

"Did you go home?" I feel like I want to shower just hearing about it. I understand why she doesn't get along with ketchup now. I almost feel like I could gag.

"No! I had to stay and wait on all the tables with ketchup caked on my shirt and drying in my hair. When I finally got home and got in the shower, the water ran a light red for a good five minutes as all the ketchup washed off of me." She laughs. "It really was pretty funny, but—"

"But it didn't help you like ketchup, did it?"

"Okay, I'll put it like this: you're fifteen, an idiot, and decide to get wasted on a bottle of your parent's Parrot Bay. You puke your guts up that night. Now, whenever you see or smell that sickly sweet coconutty rum, you want to puke." She pronounces, smug. "That's how I feel about ketchup."

I totally know the feeling. Except, substitute the Parrot Bay for Everclear.

When we finish our hot dogs, I throw away the wrappers. Bella is standing nearby, looking in the window of a closed shop. In the light of the streetlamps, I can see her reflection in the glass. She shifts a little and her beautiful reflection is obscured by the shadow her hood casts over her face. Part of me wants to ask her about keeping her hood up and what would have happened had she not had it to hide under. The logical and rational part of my brain wants to know. The rest of me is shouting at my brain to shut up because the rest of me doesn't care. I slide my hand into Bella's as we slowly walk down the street getting ever closer to her apartment.

"I can't tell you what a great time I had tonight, Jake. Thanks for letting me come."

"I'm sorry Leah accosted you." I shake my head. "She's kind of a mess."

"Well, if you want to play that game, then there was really no excuse for what I did, either. Other than I was being selfish and didn't want to think about sharing you. I can be kinda jealous like that sometimes." She shakes our hands. "Hope that's okay."

"You don't ever have to worry about sharing me with Leah. She's always been just my friend. Just my best friend."

"I believe you, but I'm telling you—from a girl's perspective, Leah thinks you are more than just a friend."

"Nah, she's just protective." I think for a minute. Bella gives me a look only a girl could muster. "Okay, and maybe she's a little jealous. But only jealous that I'm spending time with you. That's it."

We round the corner to her building looming over us. There are no lights on and the street light by the entrance is busted. It's ominous. And it kinda freaks me out. It reminds me of a haunted house and creeping through the hallways without knowing when the monsters will jump out and grab you.

Bella unlocks the door and holds it open for me. The inside of the building is bright and almost cheery, evaporating my vision of most of the lurking monsters. There's only one I'm worried about and his presence is looming. Even if he is in China. I step into the entry way with the realization that this is the furthest I've ever been into her private world. She starts up the stairs.

"Are you coming?" She turns to look at me standing at the foot of the stairs, not moving.

"Yeah," I answer, snapping out of my daze and starting up the steps.

We climb up three flights before she exits the stairs. She walks to the end of the hall and opens the door.

"Come on in."

Again I hesitate.

"Really, Jake. It's okay. Come on in."

I look past her into the apartment to see a tan leather sofa sitting on a red rug. There's a window at the far end of the apartment. In front of it sits a beat up looking desk with a stool. A laptop sits atop it, flashing through pictures of Bella with really long hair and a girl with really short hair.

She takes a step into the apartment, holding the door open wider for me. A ginormus flat screen emerges on the wall opposite the couch.

The picture changes on the computer screen drawing my attention back to the desk.

"I made it, you know."

"What?"

"The desk. It was my old changing table from when I was a kid. When I had to get rid—" she stops abruptly. "I decided to keep it, so I reinforced the top and got some boards and nailed them down and sanded them to make it looked old and loved and not like a changing board reinvented. Then I painted it." She shrugs. "It was a great distraction project." Before I can ask her what she means, she tells me again to come into the apartment. My eyes scan to the other side this time where they find a framed picture of Bella and McSerious.

"Bella, I can't come into your apartment."

"Don't be silly! Sure you can."

"No, Bella. It's some major violation of you and… _him_ and I can't break that. You share it with someone. It's not _yours_." I might not know what in the world is happening with the two of us, but I know this: I can't get in his space. He is the monster I'm trying to avoid most in this haunted house. The kind that chases you with a chainsaw, hitting the back of your legs, and making you stumble and worry if the man behind the mask is really only pretending.

"Fine," she says, stepping back into the hallway. "I'll just come back out here then."

She stares me down, probably thinking how ridiculous I'm being, with her arms crossed over her chest. I look around the floor for the first time. There is only one other door and the apartment seems shut and locked right. Not that I'm surprised. It is almost three thirty in the morning. She pulls her front door shut behind her, keeping _him_ out of this moment.

I move closer to her, wondering if it's okay for me to touch her. But then I realize the rules have already been completely broken, so what does it matter if I touch or kiss her? It's not like I'm crossing an additional barrier. I gently move her hood off her still curly hair. Her makeup is smudgy now but it only makes her look even more sexy. I lean into her, pressing my forehead against hers, breathing her floral scent in.

"God, you smell good," I tell her, as I kiss her temple and down her face to her mouth. Just as I'm about to reach her lips, she whips her head around and pecks mine first.

"Sneak attack," she says, winking.

"Funny."

But I had, and still have, other intentions.

I gently nudge her up against the wall. "I wasn't finished," I say.

She goes quiet and her eyes get big. I brace myself against the wall and lean into her, putting the weight of my body against hers. Before I can kiss her, she pushes herself off the wall with the back of her arms, pressing her body into mine. For a second, I start to remind myself that I am _just a friend_ but then I remember again that the boundaries have all been broken.

And knowing that, _I _kiss Bella for the first time, painfully slow, dragging out the moment, not giving her what she wants.

"Jake," she whispers, right into my ear, and I lose it. What started as teasingly slow becomes hungrily fast. My hands slide around her waist, inside her cape, along the soft cotton of her black shirt. Before I know it, my right hand has somehow slid underneath her shirt and is running along the soft skin of her lower back. My left hand, not wanting to be left out, quickly joins the right.

Something about this girl makes me so close to losing control and what? This is the second time I've kissed her? I don't know what she's done to me; I just know I can't get enough of her. I pull her to me tighter still and her arms react, holding me close to her. I feel like I've spent my entire life starving and Bella is the only thing that can fill me up.

When her hands start popping open the pearl button shirt, I pull away. She looks at me full of questions.

I chuckle. "You and I don't pick good places to get into mischief. Sam and Emily's bathroom? Outside your apartment?"

She laughs, too. "Well, we can only get better from here," she says and tries to pull be back to her. I resist.

"Bella, if I don't leave you right now, I am going to do something I won't think twice about till the morning." I can't look her in the eyes because I know if I do I will lose all resolve and I will wake up in the morning in _his_ bed. That thought snaps me out of it entirely. "I should go."

She quickly pulls away, like my words have hurt her. She won't look at me.

"Bella?" I move into her line of vision so she has no choice but to look at me. "I don't want to leave you here, trust me on that; God, all I want to do is lay you down and kiss your beautiful body all night, but you have to understand, I can't do that in there." I nod towards the rooms locked away behind the apartment door. "Do you know what I mean?"

She nods. "I was afraid you'd changed your mind about me and you."

I can't help but laugh at her. "You are so… so… you're a mess. All I want is to be with you, but there are some… things… in the way." I kiss her again, tender and slow, a promise of what I sure hope is to come.

"Okay," she says when our kiss breaks. "Thank you for quite possibly the best night I've had since—in a long time."

"You're welcome," I tell her. She slides her arms around my waist. I kiss her head. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure." She opens the door and goes inside blowing me a kiss before shutting it behind her. I don't move until I hear the lock slide into place.

I take the stairs slowly, processing the night: the costumes, the dancing, the touching, Leah and Bella's almost fight. The kisses. Oh, the kisses.

Leah's words keep creeping into my mind around the feel of Bella's lips. What _is_ going on with me and Bella? I know there are real feelings involved and I can't blame it on the alcohol since neither one of us has a lot to drink.

Am I just some random fling to pass the time while_ he_ is out of town? Or are we more? Would she leave him for me? That though stops me in my tracks. The door of Bella's building slams behind me and gets me moving again.

Did I really just wishfully think that Bella would leave McSerious for me? I shake the thought away; it's entirely too early for thoughts like that.

I step onto the sidewalk as a car comes rumbling around the corner. The night is now freezing but the loud clunker of a car has all of its windows down. I faintly hear the music coming out of the windows as it approaches. The closer it gets, the more the melody is pronounced. I can't place it, though.

It clicks in my head.

It's Simon and Garfunkel.

"Mrs. Robinson."

I groan.

Could there have been a better placed piece of irony?

The car rumbles past, but now the idea is in my head and I walk home feeling a lot like Dustin Hoffman in _The Graduate_. But that would make Bella a chain-smoking cougar and as much as I like the cougar part, the smoking part kinda grosses me out. Whatever we've got going might be hot like fire now, but it can only burn so hot before the coals burn out.

I round the corner to my building and start mentally preparing myself for what I might find on the other side of the door. I can't run and hide because I have no place to go. I trudge up the stairs and, with my heart about ready to beat out of my chest, I open the front door.


	12. Winter: Words

**Don't know about where yall are, but school started here this week! YAY! After those two crazy summer classes I didn't think I'd be ready for the fall semester, but I so am! Bring it on, library science school! I'm ready for ya!  
**

**Wish I had results of Wave Two of the Underdog Awards to share but I do not. (Yep, just checked again. Not posted.)**

***_So just as I was looking, MaeMay also let me know... the winners have been posted! And I have happy news! AIH got third place in the Fluffy moments category! I almost bounced out my desk chair when I saw the banner and the results. The banner is beautiful! I think it fits so accidentally perfect into AIH I am kinda beside myself. Go look and tell me what you think! I have it posted up on my blog, you can get to it from my profile. Thank you all a million zillion times over for voting! I am really, really grateful to have an amazing group of readers for this story. Yall are even better than what I could have ever asked for. Thank you for being so amazing!_  
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**And, I guess Wave Two wasn't enough because All I Have has been nominated in two Wave Three categories! Whoo! I feel like these are the big dog awards... and I wasn't asked for the okay before AIH was nom'd this time (which was so very okay) and that makes it all the more awesome! The two categories AIH is in this round are "Jacob You Would Do" (oh, yummy) and "Story You Would Have Bound Into a Book to Keep On Your Shelf" (squeee!). Isn't that the coolest? Well, I think so! :) Voting will start on Aug 30 and I will put the links on my WordPress blog. Do you have it in you again for another round of voting? Hope so! So many thanks and hugs are due to **llynn20** and **skywlkrgrl** once again!**

**Disclaimer, disclaimer. Don't own... don't own.**

**I love hooking people on new books. I did that this week with the Best Beta Ever winner **llynn20**. I've been giving book rec's to her for a while and the library always takes them back before she can finish (The Book Thief being the worst best example). But she did get through The Hunger Games and she just finished Catching Fire last night! I CANNOT wait for Mockingjay... we can obsess over it together! On a more fo' real note, thanks for your open ears this week. I needed them and I think you knew it. You rock... a big Kellog's Fiber Plus bar for you!**

**Thank you mucho mucho for all the reviews last chapter! It makes me want to bust seeing how much yall are liking the story and the characters. Thank you for being such fantastic readers! :)**

**

* * *

Part Two: Winter**

_Is it cold yet in New York City?_  
'_Round here the trees been blowing off red  
Everyone's talking about change on the airwaves  
I still got you on my breath _

**Chapter Twelve: Words**

Thankfully, the door keeps silent as I slowly ease it open. I slide into the apartment trying to keep as much light out as possible. ¶

My mind flashes back to my high school years and sneaking into the house after a night of somewhat drunken debauchery. The sneaking in always scared me more than the sneaking out. If I was caught before I got out of the house, well, how much trouble could I really get in? I hadn't done anything yet. But getting busted coming back in the house? Yeah, that was trouble. Not only were the parentals mad they didn't catch me on the way out but I was busted being out after curfew, reeking of smoke, and probably drunk.

That's exactly how I feel now, except instead of my parents waiting to bust me, I'm petrified of Leah and what she might be waiting to say. In a way, I'd like to just get it over with: make a ton of noise—_maybe bump into the table and knock over the wobbly lamp I hate so much?—_and face the wrath of Leah. It can be pretty unpleasant.

When my eyes adjust to the darkness of the apartment, nothing looks out of place and there are no people-shaped shadows anywhere I can make out. I let out the breath I was holding in a sudden whoosh and laugh at how silly I was being. It's almost four am. There's no way Leah would be waiting up for me.

With a little confidence, I start through the living room and back to my bedroom, my mind already floating back to Bella and leaving her at her apartment when I really wish I could have brought her here. But I was unsure if Leah would be awake—

"Glad to know you finally came home."

"Fucking-fucker-of-fucks! God you scared the shit out of me Leah!" I jump so high I almost fall on the floor.

"Yeah, well you weren't the one sitting up waiting for you to come home."

I sigh. "I don't need a babysitter, Leah. I'm not six."

"Well, you sure act like you do sometimes. God, Jake, do you not think about what you're doing?"

"Me? Think about what I'm doing? Take your own advice, Lee. Did you think twice before you started grabbing and pushing Bella around tonight?"

Leah huffs. "I hardly touched her."

"Didn't seem that way from where I was standing." I approach her where she's now standing by the couch. She must have been laying on it earlier. "You are never to touch her again, do you hear me? The decisions I make are mine to make. Not yours. But, I can control how you treat Bella in my presence and you will not touch her like that again. Do you understand me?"

"Don't you get all high and mighty on _me_ Jacob Black! You're the one running around and encouraging a woman to cheat on her boyfriend! All I'm trying to do is protect you from getting your heart ripped out and trampled on. Which is going to happen you know." I start to interrupt her, but she cuts me off. "Don't tell me I don't have your best interests at heart! Because when that girl is done playing with you, you're going to come crawling home—back to me, Jake! Me!—looking for me to put you back together, and you know what? I'm going to look at you and tell you I warned you this would happen and to find someone else's shoulder to cry on because you're not welcome on mine!" She shoves past me, leaving me standing in the living room.

Only then do I realize we've been shouting at each other with no lights on. Even if I couldn't see Leah, I still knew exactly what she looked like while she was braiding me about Bella. Leah's door slams from down the hall. She turns her iPod on loud enough to make a second door between her and me, one I don't dare cross tonight.

* * *

It takes me forever to fall asleep. I toss and turn, kick my covers off, then pull them back up five minutes later, try counting sheep, but all I can think of is Little Red Riding Hood herding the sheep all back into the pen.

In my dreams, I am face to face with McSerious. He's got Leah at his side and they are coming at me with pitchforks. Leah hurls insult after insult at me and Edward rightfully accuses me of stealing his life right out from under him. I run and run but they are right on my heels, gaining with every step. Somehow, I find courage to face him. I throw on the brakes, Leah runs right by me, and I turn around to challenge Edward.

"Maybe if you would have taken better care of what was yours, it wouldn't have left you in the first place."

"Had I held the reigns tighter, she would never have met you," he leers, confident in his words.

"You were already suffocating her; what more could you have done?"

He throws his head back and laughs, evil and menacing. "Oh, you poor kid, plenty. Plenty."

Just as I'm trying to wrap my head around what he's telling me, I feel sharps piercing my back. I whirl around to see Leah with her pitchfork pointed at me in one hand and her other arm wrapped around Bella.

"Leah? What are you doing? Let me have Bella."

"She's not a possession, Jake. She's a person with feelings, just like me. Yet you seem to forget that a lot. So, no I think I'll put her right back where she belongs."

With her pitchfork still pointing at me, she moves around to where Edward was standing. But, Edward's not there anymore. Instead there is a giant gilded cage; by first glance it seems elaborate in its design. Leah shoves Bella inside and steps back allowing Edward to place a lock on the door. As soon as he puts the key in the lock, the golden bars morph into words—lines from Bella's book, her articles, all of her words. As the turns the key, the words shift into memories—Cuba, pumpkins, a cape. And as I hear the lock click into place, the walls shift a final time into a huge pulsing heart, with Bella trapped in the center. I reach for her but Leah slaps my hand away.

"I told you you were messing with fire." She laughs, the female match to Edward's menacing one.

I turn and run. As much as it pains me, I know I can't help Bella with Edward standing guard over her and Leah having his back. "I'll come back for you!" I shout to her over my shoulder as I flee. Leah and Edward only laugh harder. I run faster. But, don't make it more than ten steps before I fall headfirst into a hole, just like Alice falling into her Wonderland.

I never reach the bottom.

* * *

The next morning, I wake up, disoriented and confused. My back hurts as if I've been poked with something, but I've been in my bed the whole night and I can't figure out what I did to hurt it.

I try and think back, but all I come up with is Bella and I kissing outside her apartment last night. A smile creeps onto my face. I can still feel the heat of Bella's lips. The way she molded her body against mine. I can't wait to see her again, make sure everything that happened was—and is—real.

I look at the clock. Eight in the morning. I think about texting her, but figure she is still asleep. We were up pretty late. I flop back onto my pillows and listen to the silence of the sleepy city.

Where I would usually hear silence, there is noise. But its not coming from outside, its coming from inside.

It's Leah. She is already up and banging around in the apartment. I don't know if our fight is over or if she will have more words for me this morning. Grudgingly, I throw my legs out of the bed and stand. I wipe the sleep from my eyes, stretch, and get ready to face the person I share an apartment with.

The kitchen is a mess. Leah has pulled everything from the cabinets and drawers out and strewn the contents across the kitchen. I briefly wish for coffee but quickly realize its impossible when I can't see the coffee pot for all the stuff she's piled around it. But even if I could see the coffee pot, I couldn't get to it. The floor is a mess of silverware, kitchen knives and kitchen utensils.

Finally, Leah notices me. "I couldn't find the loose tea brewer. It pissed me off, so I thought I would just rearrange the kitchen."

"Did you find it?" I venture cautiously.

"No!" Leah wails, tossing the handful of teaspoons in her hand back on the ground before busting into tears.

The part of me that's still mad at her about last night wants to leave her sitting here, in the mess she's made of our kitchen, alone and crying.

But the other part of me, the part that loves Leah almost like a sister, won't let Mad Jake win. I step around pots and pans and knives and reach down to Leah on the floor. I pull her to her feet and into my arms. She latches on and cries and cries.

"I can't take back what I said to you last night, Jake, because I meant every word of it. And I think that's why I'm sad… because I know what I said to you is true."

I don't say anything because nothing I can say will make Leah better or her intuitive feelings go away. I just hold her and let her cry. After a few minutes, she starts to calm down.

"Gah, Jake, I'm so lame. I'm sorry." She pulls out of my hold and wipes her eyes with her hands, sniffing the whole time. "It's really a wonder you put up with me like you do."

"Yeah, well, without you I'd be a little lost. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night, but why didn't you just tell me you were mad and didn't like what I was doing?"

"Oh, you dense boy! I tried! I tried several times. But you didn't listen. You listened with the wrong part of you body and ignored what I was trying to tell you." Her laugh is full of bitterness. "I meant what I said last night: when it falls apart, don't come to me. I won't be here to put you back together."

"If that's how you want it to be, then fine."

"Jake, I don't _want_ it to be like that; it's just the only way it _can_ be."

I'm not sure if I understand her logic or reasoning so I don't say anything. "What are you doing today, Lee?"

She gestures to the mess that is currently the kitchen. "Guess I'm cleaning all this up."

"Yeah, I'll let you have at it then." I'm not helping her reassemble the no need to be broken kitchen. "Oh, I know this is asking a lot, Lee, but if Bella and I were to hang out here, would you be okay with that?"

She drops the plastic utensils she had just picked up. She places one hand over her eyes and the other hand on her hip. I can see the stress and the effort she's making at control even though she's not saying anything.

So I feel the need to explain what I mean. "I just can't hang out at her house because, you know, she shares it with McSerious and we don't have anywhere to go…" I trail off lamely because it's pretty obvious she doesn't care or want to know and, frankly, it was kinda wrong of me to ask in the first place. "Never mind. We'll find another place to hang out. Sorry I asked." I turn my back to Leah and the mess and start to walk away.

"No, Jake, its okay if you and Bella hang out here. But don't expect me to be her best friend or act like I like her. 'Cause I don't. And I don't care if she knows. But I will ignore her if she is here with you."

Leah's given me more than I could ask for. "Thank you, Lee. You're too good to me."

"I know," she replies.

* * *

It takes Leah most of the day to reassemble the kitchen. When she is finally done, she knocks on my bedroom door.

"I never found the tea strainer."

"Really? I could have sworn we had one."

"I know, I thought we did, too. Either way, I'm going to go out for a little bit. I've had about all of this apartment I can handle for one day."

"Should I wait on you for dinner?" Normally, I wouldn't offer, but I'm still feeling bad about all the worrying and angst I've caused Leah.

"Um, I don't think so. I'm going to meet up with Claire… if she'll call me back. She never answers her phone, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. Neither does Quil. Wonder if that's a coincidence?"

We smile at each other, like life was normal and she was never mad at me.

"Okay, well, I'll be back later. Do you need anything?"

"Nah, I'm good," I answer her without really thinking about the question because my mind had already moved on to calling Bella and seeing if she wants to come over. Leah may have given her "blessing" on Bella spending time at our apartment, but I don't want to flaunt it in her face. A whole afternoon and evening Leah-free? I'd be a fool not to take advantage of that.

As soon as I hear the front door shut, my phone is dialing Bella's number.

"Surely you're not still sleeping?"

"Mmmmm, Jake. Hi." I can feel her smile radiating through my phone. There is static on her end of the line before she speaks again. "Yeah, I'm still pretty much wasting space today. I haven't really wanted to get up. My bed is too comfortable." Maybe she was rolling over or around earlier? Too easily, my mind places me in the bed with her.

No, Jake. No.

"Ah. I woke up to a kitchen explosion."

"What?"

"A kitchen explosion. Leah couldn't find a strainer."

She giggles. "I don't even want to know. Was she mad at you?"

"She was awake and waiting for me when I got home. But I think we're okay now. She's going to be gone for the rest of the day."

"Oh, is she now?" Bella says coyly.

My tongue is instantly swollen to four times its original size and I have to force my words out so they sound normal. "Yeah, so I wanted to see if you wanted to come over and hang out, maybe cook dinner?"

"Oh, food sounds good." She pauses for a second, two. "I guess you sound pretty good, too."

"Ha. Thanks."

"Let me just take a quick shower and I'll be over. Do I need to get anything?" I do a mental inventory of the fridge from my last shopping trip.

"Want to be in charge of a movie?"

"Sure, but you don't get veto power on whatever I decide to bring over."

I laugh and we hang up.

I survey my bedroom; it's clean enough to pass for a clean guy's room. The kitchen should be spotless thanks to Leah's lost tea strainer. Living room is fine, too. But who's week was it to clean the bathroom?

When Bella knocks on the door thirty minutes later, I am literally climbing out of the shower into the freshly cleaned bathroom.

"One minute!" I shout to the front door. I'm not sure if she heard me from the music coming from my bedroom, but it was worth a shot. I dart back into my bedroom, towel wrapped around my waist, and fling open my closet door. I grab boxers and a pair of jeans. I drop my towel and leg-hop into the boxers. I pull the jeans on next, doing a little shimmy into them. I turn around to grab a t-shirt from my dresser.

"That was a great show. Will there be a repeat performance later?"

Bella is standing in the doorway, watching me, her brown eyes dangerously close to resembling fire.


	13. Winter: Touches

**So today's greeting will be a bit different than normal! Happy Saturday! Sorry I didn't get this up yesterday. I'm having a hard time finding a balance between school and work and writing. And add Mockingjay into that mix and I was doomed from the start of the week. I literally didn't even let myself open the box it shipped in because I knew I wouldn't stop reading until I was done which mean an all nighter and I couldn't afford that in any part of the week. So. I finally allowed myself to read it once school was done (kinda) and this chapter was written**. ** I have already started working on 14 so let's hope I can get everything done for school this week early enough to finish on time for a Friday post. That'll be like two posts in one week! Holy cow!**

**I think some of you might no this already? I can't remember who I've told and who I haven't, but... All I Have has been nominated for two more awards in the Underdog Awards! And I had no idea that AIH was being nominated for these two until I got a lil text that said, "Hehehe... you might want to check the nominations for the third wave on the Underdogs!" I feel like the big dog (no pun intended) awards are in this wave and I feel so very honored to be included with the other amazing fics in this round. So, back to business. AIH was nominated in the "Jake You Would Do" category by** skywlkrgrl **who I think really would pull Jake out of the computer if she could and in the "****Story You Would Have Bound into a Book to Keep On Your Shelf" category by** llynn20**. To think that anyone would feel that strongly about this lil story amazes me! I just started writing it to satisfy the need to work with the song All I Have and to work out some feelings of my own. I never dreamed it would turn into this! Holy cannolis! The voting opens on August 30 over at theair_thesun on LiveJournal. Links will be on the blog when I get a chance to write a posting about it. Voting will end September 13. Think you have in in you to go another round? Please say yes! :) **

**If yall didn't know already, my beta is the bestest thing since... college football. Which starts this week, btw. Anyway, she turns these chapters around lickety split and they come back brighter and shiner than when they left my hands. I will miss you, friend, when I get on that big jet plane in a few months. Good thing we're both used to Skype already! But I will miss our daily bombardments of emails to each other. :( I can't wait to see your big boxes that come in the mail on Monday! Yeeee haawww!**

**Thank you for all the love you left this story in reviews! I know I've said it before but I get giddy whenever I see a review notification come through my email. I mean, you have no idea. Talk about motivation to get the next chapter done! Yall are awesome. I will have fro yo in your honor tonight. In about 10 minutes. :) Hope cake batter/chocolate swirl is okay with cookie dough as a topping! And maybe some Andes mints... hum...  
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**Okay, enough of me. I will let shirtless Jake and Bella take the stage now. :) Enjoy!  
**

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* * *

Part Two: Winter**

_Is it cold yet in New York City?_  
'_Round here the trees been blowing off red  
Everyone's talking about change on the airwaves  
I still got you on my breath _

**Chapter Thirteen: Touches**

I stand there, frozen and mortified. I have never been a fan of unexpected nudity. My house should be my safe place and, well, today I guess it's not.

"The door was unlocked," Bella says, not the least bit apologetic. "I did knock first."

"Yeah, and I said to hold on." I snap at her without thinking. I don't know why this has embarrassed me so much. I take a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"I didn't hear you," she replies, suddenly quiet and withdrawn. She turns and walks from my bedroom. I follow, pulling my shirt over my head.

"Bella? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I think you just startled me."

Bella's sitting on the sofa, head cocked to the side, hands in her lap, pondering the wall in front of her. I sit down beside her.

"Bella?" Slowly, she turns and looks toward me, eyes eventually focusing in on me. "Bella, I'm sorry," I repeat. I don't understand this reaction she's having. Yes, I snapped at her, I know it, and I am trying to apologize.

"It's okay," she says, visibly shaking off whatever bothered her about my attitude. "Great shirt, by the way. Please tell me you wear it out in public." I nod. "Good. Do you want to see what movies I brought?" And, like the flip of a switch, my Bella is back.

"As long as it's not _Love Spelled Backwards is Love_, it's great."

"Yeah right! I hate that movie. The bungee jumping? Gag me." She hops up. "Where did I put my bag?"

"Maybe you somehow left it in my room?" I ask her, already doubting it's there.

She walks off toward my room but doesn't make it. "Ah ha! In the middle of the hallway floor. Guess I got so excited about you kinda naked I just dropped it in my rush to see. Musta been the abs." She fans herself with her hand. "They're pretty hot, you know."

"It's all those mid-day strip teases." She lets out a good laugh. I'm so relieved to hear the sound of her laughter. "So what did you bring?"

"Well, I didn't know what you'd like best so… I came with options." She rummages in her oversized bag (why do girls need to carry a bag big enough for my whole wardrobe, anyway?). "Option one: _Star Trek_—the new one, not one of the old ones with Bill Shatner." I nod. "Option two is to satisfy your secret girly side." She wiggles her eyebrows at me. "Voila! _The Princess Bride_."

I laugh. Hard. "I must have a secret girly side because I love that movie! And I am not ashamed to admit it! R.O.U.S.s and sword fighting and the Dread Pirate Roberts and the hotness that is Buttercup? How can I _not_ like it?"

"Inconceivable!" She shouts at me, faking a lisp horribly, and throwing her arms into the air.

"I do not think that word means what you think it means," I answer in my best Spanish accent.

"WWWWWWiiiiaaaaaahhhhhhh!" She bellows, pointing her finger at me.

"You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles," I answer her, feigning seriousness. She freezes and stares at me. "What?"

"Nothing," she says, reaching back into her purse for option number three. "I think we already have a winner, but just so you have a full array of choices. Option three is—drumroll please!—_A Far Off Place_."

"I don't know if I've seen it," I say trying to think back. "Wait. Is it the one with Reese Witherspoon and a desert?"

"Yes! Gah, I loved this movie as a kid. I just found it the other day on the five dollar shelf at Target. What a steal."

Cue the grumbling stomach. "Are you hungry? I'm starving."

"Oh, yes, must feed the beast. I'll make mental note to never let you get too hungry in case you decide to eat _me_." As soon as she says the words, she blushes the deepest shade of red I've ever seen a person turn.

"I don't—oh. I get it." We shuffle our feet, letting the awkward moment pass. "Come on, let's cook." I reach for her hand and pull her into the kitchen.

"Wow. It looks great in here. Not that it looked bad on pumpkin night, but it looks amazing now."

"I'll make sure I tell Leah. She'll be appreciative." _Or not_, I add to myself.

I open the pantry and pull out a package of whole wheat spaghetti. From the fridge I grab a tub of ricotta cheese and a package of spinach from the freezer. I start water to boil in a pot on the stove and throw the spinach in a bowl to defrost in the microwave.

"I like all the ingredients, so the final product must be good. What can I do to help?"

I shrug. "Nothing. This is a simple dinner. Just entertain me."

I realize there has been an ocean's worth of space between Bella and I since she got here with the exception of me pulling her into the kitchen. I don't know if she's second-guessing her actions from the night before or if she is letting me make the first move. Knowing I'm not the one with everything to lose, I keep my distance.

She hops up on the counter. "I can do that."

Bella sitting on the counter doesn't help my resolve in the slightest. I want to stand between her legs, take her face in my hands, and kiss her. As my mind explores the possibility, I see her legs wrap around my waist.

_Stop, Jake. Stop!_

I turn back to the counter to allow myself to calm down. "Who was the girl in all the pictures on your computer?"

"Oh, when you were hovering in the doorway last night? That's Alice. She's my best friend. She was my partner in crime in Cuba."

I pull the spinach out of the microwave and poke it with a fork. Still frozen. I reset the defrost and turn back to face Bella.

"Did you grow up together?"

"Kind of. We met our senior year of high school. I fell down a set of stairs—see? It's really not that uncommon for me!—and Alice was at the bottom, almost like she was waiting for me to land at her feet, a sprawled out mess. We've been BFFs since."

"Wow. Girls actually use 'BFF' in sentences…"

"And—OMG—I love to use BTdub, too!" She's pitched her voice really high and ditzy. "Really, though, _dude_, Alice and I_ are_ BFFs. Laugh if you need to but she would love you."

"Really? Do you plan on allowing me to meet her?"

"IDK. Maybe." She winks at me. "You'd be very lucky to. She travels a lot but she doesn't get over this way often."

"You make it sound like that's on purpose."

She shrugs. "I don't think she's necessarily a big fan of Edward."

I don't say anything, but I start plotting and Alice is my new greatest ally. I put the noodles in the boiling pot of water, swirl them so they are all submerged and take the spinach out of the microwave. I drain the water off and set the bowl on the counter.

When I turn to look at Bella again, she looks like she's thinking really hard. "I don't want to say anything that will leave you with a bad opinion of him."

"Little too late for that, Bella."

"True. Well, Alice just doesn't like him. But I've only ever _known_ him. We've been together since high school, right about the time I met Alice, actually."

"Nothing wrong with dating around. Just throwing it out there."

"I know. That's what Alice says all the time. But she doesn't get it. _You_ wouldn't get it. When I had nothing, I still had Edward. He's never let me down. And now I can't let him down."

"Had nothing?" I prompt.

"Yeah, when I had nothing." I stare at her wanting to know what this nothing is that's so big she was only able to cling to McSerious. "Fine." She sighs. "My parents were killed when I was in college. They were both only children, and my grandparents had already passed, so I was really, truly left alone. With no one. Edward took care of me, helped me plan both their funerals, settle their estates, and not fail out of college. He was everything to me when I had nothing. I can't abandon him now. I just can't." She shrugs again like that's all there is to it when I know there's more to Edward and Bella's relationship.

But, I can't imagine what it would be like to lose both parents in one swoop. I never knew my mother, so I can't imagine losing her since I never had her, but my dad? Just the mere thought sucks all the air out of my lungs and I can barely breathe.

"I'm really sorry, Bella."

"It wasn't your fault, Jake. It was an accident." She's being incredibly calm about it. Yes, it happened several years ago, but still. Bella's got no emotion going on right now. None.

I approach her. "I know it wasn't my fault, Bells. But I can be sorry that you had to go through losing both your parents. I can't… I can't imagine how horrible it must have been. For that, I'm sorry." I reach up and gently touch her cheek. Where my fingers touch her skin, a blush follows. I kiss her on the forehead. She puts her hands on my waist and pulls me into a hug. Her head hits me mid chest.

A sizzle erupts from behind me. I jump like I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. The spaghetti pot has bubbled over. I grab the pot handle and lift it from the heat, stirring the noodles at the same time. Once the water has calmed down, I adjust the temperature and put the pot back on to boil some more.

"Table or sofa?"

"What? Table or sofa?" Bella's expression is a mixture of horror and humor.

"Yeah… what do you want to eat on?"

She shakes her head, clearing whatever she was thinking about and laughs. "Table."

I get two pasta bowls and silverware out and set the table with paper towels as napkins.

When dinner is ready, I plop some of the noodles into Bella's bowl and the rest into mine. I serve her with a flourish.

"Smells amazing! What do you call this finery?"

Now it's my turn to blush. "Well, its not really called anything. Its just pasta noodles with ricotta cheese and spinach. That's it. Oh, and some garlic powder." She's giving me the _I know there's more_ look. "And… my sisters were a little overly worried about their weight in high school and were always making all this Weight Watchers stuff for us to eat. This was my favorite and I just really liked it. So I still make it. Just don't tell them because I grumbled about it all the time when I was a kid." I drop down into my chair.

Bella smiles at me. "I think its sweet you still remember what they used to make for you. And you should be glad they taught you how to be a healthy eater." She swirls some pasta onto her fork and blows on it before putting it in her mouth. "Oh, yum. This is good."

We talk some more about Alice and I tell her about my good friends, Quil and Embry. We ditch our dishes in the sink when we're done eating.

"I'll do them later," I tell her.

Bella settles onto the couch while I start up the movie and turn off the lights. Its still light enough out side for the room to be lit but the sun will go down soon. I join her on the couch a minute or two later. Immediately she snuggles into my side. I wrap my arm around her.

I do my very best to behave, I really do, but before Buttercup can figure out Westly is declaring undying love with each and every "as you wish," Bella and I are picking up exactly where we left off the night before. Her hands are everywhere—under my shirt, running up and down my stomach and along my back, in my hair, on my face. I think I even sucked on one of her fingers somewhere in all that. I am trying to hold back, respect her space, but _this girl_ is just too much for me. Everything about her draws me in—her confidence in herself, her ability to throw caution to the wind, her fierce love of live even after facing extreme loss.

I am losing my grip on my feelings for her; I don't have a clue as to what's going on between the two of us but I know I don't want to miss one minute, one second of it.

I am losing my grip on the barrier I've tried to set for us physically. And I know it's gone when I press her back on the couch and support myself above her. Her hands slide up my stomach and around my back, pulling my t-shirt with them as they move. When she gets it over my head, I sit up, pull the shirt over my head, and lean back to her. She meets me half way with open lips.

She knows a barrier is about to be crossed. I can feel it in her tentative kisses—a bit unsure, a bit afraid, but a lot of desire.

I kiss her neck, slowly, nipping her along her collarbone, before finding her mouth again. Her hands continue to make circles on my back, only broken by her nails running down my sides. It sends chills all the way to my toes. Holding myself up with one hand, I lower myself onto her more, running my thumb under the hem of her shirt. When I get to the curve of her side, I move back across but with my thumb under the hem of her low-rise jeans. I can feel the top of her silk underwear with my thumb. She squirms below me and I run my hand along her flat stomach, taking her shirt with me. When I get to the thin fabric covering her breasts, I run my thumb over her nipple. I never stop kissing her. Eventually, she pushes me away and pulls her shirt over her head, leaving her hair a little tangled.

I sit back and look at Bella. She is breathing a little harder than normal and her chest and face are flushed.

And then I am on my back. Bella somehow reversed the way we were laying on the sofa and she is now on top of me, holding me down. Before leaning into me, she reaches behind her and unclasps her bra, throwing it in the floor.

I growl.

She leans down on to my chest, teasingly slow, before kissing me once again. I feel another barrier fall down. Whatever this is, this fire between the two of us, we're getting closer and closer to the point of no return.

I somehow hear a group of people in the hallway and suddenly Leah is in my head. _I won't be the one to put you back together_, I hear Leah telling me. _I can't take it back because I know it's true_.

Why, Lord above, did you send me Leah as a conscience at _this moment_? Could you have not waited _thirty minutes_?

I sigh into Bella's mouth and gently break our kiss.

"Bella, this is wrong. I'm not saying I don't want you—I think you can feel how much I want you—but I can't just knowingly let us do this without knowing what's going on with us first." I pause. "I'm sorry."

Instead of sitting up, she lays all the way down on me, tucking her head under my chin. Her long brown hair is fanned across my chest. I run my fingers through it, feeling the smooth strands move through my fingers.

She is quiet for what feels like a really long time. "You're right, Jake. No matter what I want or feel, I still belong to someone else and, yeah. This isn't right. But don't make me move right now, okay? I'm just liking being this close to you." _And topless_ my head adds. "I like you, you know."

"I know. I like you too. A lot more than I should, probably. Leah's afraid you're going to break my heart."

"Yeah, I got that memo."

"So where does this leave us, Bella? I'm not trying to be pushy, I just don't want to be your man on the side." I tilt my head so I can see her face better to judge her response to my declaration. "Please don't be offended."

"I'm not. If you were me and I were you, I'd feel the same way." She takes a deep breath. "Let me think about it, okay?"

"Okay."

"Can we still hang out while I think about it?" She kisses my chest. Twice. Oh, god, was that her tongue?

"Yes," I squeak, kissing the top of her head and tightening my arms around her.

* * *

A loud noise makes me jump. Bella is still nestled into my chest but she's fast asleep. I must have been too. It's pitch black outside now and the time on the cable box tells me its gotten late fast. I kiss Bella's head and whisper in her ear.

"Bells, wake up, honey. Its late."

I feel her stir. "No," she pouts. "You're warm."

I laugh. "Bells, really. I need to at least get your shirt back on you before Leah gets home."

That gets her grumbling. "Leah-schmeah." She reaches her hand down to the floor and finds her bra, throws it back down, and grabs for a t-shirt. She puts the first one on she finds.

It just so happens to be my grey "Practice safe lunch—use a condiment" shirt. I laugh as it settles on her. It's huge over her small frame.

"Souvenir," she says to me with a smirk.

We kiss a little longer before I make her get up so I can walk her home.

"I wish I could stay."

"I wish you could stay," I repeat. "But it might not be the best idea."

"I know, you're right." She shoves her bra into her huge bag and throws in the other two movies. "Want me to help you clean up the kitchen?"

"Nah, everything will go in the dishwasher. It will only take a second."

I pull on a fleece I left out earlier and slip on some shoes to walk Bella home.

We hold hands the whole way there—since it's so far and all—and not once does she seem afraid to be seen with me. At one point, she even kisses me as we're waiting for a crosswalk.

She unlocks the door to her building and we scoot inside helped along with a burst of cold wind.

"I should check the mail. I hate checking the mail. Something about only getting bills. And rejection letters. It hurts to see them. I've been sending letters to agents for what feels like ever now." She slides her key into the lock and opens the door. "So I just make Edward check the mail. He says I never check it often enough anyway…"

"What?"

"The mailbox is empty. Jake, I haven't checked the mail in almost a week…. Oh my god! You have to go!" She's shoving me back toward the door. "Please, Jake, you have to go!"

"What's going on Bella? What's wrong?"

"The mailbox is empty. I haven't checked the mail in five days. The mailbox is empty!"

I can't understand what she's telling me. "And?"

"Edward's home, Jake. He's back from China early. And you've got to get out of here. If he catches you…" She shudders. "Please, just go, Jake. Please, just go." She opens the door and shoves me onto the landing. I'm too stunned to do anything, say anything. "I'll try to call you," she says as the door slams in my face. She runs up the stairs. I stand there like an idiot, too stunned and shocked to move a muscle let alone my legs. But finally, what Bella told me is settling in and I propel myself off their landing faster than a jackrabbit and hightail it back to my apartment.


	14. Winter: Numbers

**Eeeeeeep! Are you still here? I hope so! I am so sorry I've been MIA for almost a month! School... makes me want to stomp my foot. I am not having fun this semester. But, Saturday I did get to co-teach a class on Twilight, so that was pretty cool! **

**Big news... (and I almost hollered when I found out)... MaeMay sent in an amazing recommendation to phasefics[dot]com about All I Have! I got this random message alert today saying AIH was the "Little Known Fic of the Week" and I was still totally clueless (maybe because I couldn't believe it?) until I saw it on the site! MaeMay's review touched on everything that really makes AIH... well, AIH. I was literally speechless when I read it. Then I kinda squeaked/squealed (and I don't squeal... ever) and my roommates were like, "What?" so I tell them and they even got that this was KINDA A BIG DEAL and shouldn't just be shrugged off. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for sticking around during my accidental hiatus and believing is AIH the way you do! Pumpkin spice lattes for you for life! :) Oh, and a truth I've been fighting? When I started writing this, I was Team Edward. But, after Eclipse and some other wolf fics and getting into Jake's "mind," I would say that I am now Team Jake. And proud!**

**And, because I promised, I must thank Thundaa for keeping my Call of Duty references correct. I watched Thundaa play CoD everyday for a year (at one point, I couldn't sleep without the sounds of "Release ze dogs!" blaring through the wall). Hence, it is about the only game I know anything about. They tried to teach me to play, but the controller has way too many buttons. Haha. The Zombies are not fun watch in the dark. Very scare-inducing.**

**Last, but never, ever least, many thanks are due to **llynn20** for doing her beta-magic. I believe the email I sent her said, "I think this chapter is pretty much crap, please work your magic and make it not crap." And being the wonder-beta she is, I can present it to you now with a bright shiny bow.**

**Thanks for being patient with me. I wish I could say another chapter will post on Friday but I'm about 98% that would be a big fib. I have a test, two papers and regular readings for this week. Sigh. Maybe once the big stuff is done? I hope so!**

**Yall set a record for reviews for the last chapter! I will respond to them, even if it is a little silly to do so now. I just want yall to know they are read and appreciated and loved. Happy Sunday!  
**

**

* * *

Part Two: Winter**

_Is it cold yet in New York City?_  
'_Round here the trees been blowing off red  
Everyone's talking about change on the airwaves  
I still got you on my breath_

**Chapter Fourteen: Numbers**

I can't seem to calm down until my apartment door is securely shut behind me. I lean against the cool wood, taking several deep breaths, waiting for my heart to stop racing. I run a hand through my hair. It's shaking. _I'm shaking._

That was entirely too close of a call. I'm not really worried about what McSerious could do to me; I'm pretty sure I'd be able to take care of myself. My worry is for Bella. Since I (gladly) don't know a lot of the intimate details of their relationship, I don't know how he would react; I just know it wouldn't be good. At all. I don't know if Bella would stand up to him. I don't know if she _could_ stand up to him. Their relationship is so deeply rooted and there's no telling how much he uses that knowledge to his benefit.

He probably takes advantage of it a lot.

He's probably a good manipulator.

Hell, he's McSerious.

I don't think I like McSerious very much.

But how can I really? He's dating the girl I've got it bad for. The more I think about it, the more I realize what a messed up situation I'm in.

I push away from the door, recognizing that I need to_ do _something or I'll just run back to Bella's apartment, making everything worse. I look around and realize that I still need to tackle the mess I left in Leah's previously spotless kitchen_. _I rinse out the bowls and load them on the top rack. Glasses follow. Silverware gets a once over and goes on the door. Just as I start scrubbing the pot, Leah comes home.

"What did the pot do to deserve such a scrubbing?" Leah asks, curiosity apparent in her tone.

I stand up and straighten my back. "Nothing," I grumble.

"Doesn't sound like it to me."

I rinse off the pot and set it on the rack to dry. As I set the pot down, my uncharacteristic grumpiness breaks my desire to keep Leah out of the Bella loop. "Yeah, it's not nothing."

"If it relates to Bella, I don't want to hear it," she warns.

"I know, Lee. But something bad happened tonight—well, something bad could have happened tonight, and I'd really like to know what you think."

"If you're about to tell me that Bella could be having your baby, I might puke." She fakes a gag. "Yeah, I will definitely puke."

I stare at her. And then I laugh. "No, it's not that, but I appreciate you putting it into perspective."

"That's what I'm here for: Leah, sounding board wonder girl." She takes a deep breath. "I might regret this so you'd better spit it out quick. What happened?"

"Well, I made dinner for Bella. And we kinda watched a movie."

"Kinda?"

"We watched five minutes. Then we—well, we were kinda, um, making out?" Words can't do justice to what transpired between Bella and me, so I leave it at that.

"Do I need anything more detailed than that?" Leah asks, although I know she means it rhetorically.

I highly doubt Leah wants to know about the glory that is Bella's body or the taste of her lips. I shake my head.

She waves her hand. "Okay, continue."

"Okay, well, things kinda got a little intense," she puts her hands up, physically trying to block my words. "Don't cut me off! I stopped it from going any further and we fell asleep."

"And?"

"When I woke up, I walked her home." I take a breath. "She didn't have on a bra and she had on my shirt and when we got to her house she checked the mail and it was empty and Edward's home from China early." I finish with a flourish.

"Shit. So she had to come in the house with no bra? And a shirt that wasn't hers?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, well the first parts not an issue. If the girl has any brains at all—which I already doubt—then she would have put her bra back on before she went in the apartment. Duh."

The imaginary light bulb floating over my head clicks on. Leah's so right. "I'm an idiot. I didn't think of that."

"You don't have boobs. Now, as far as the second part goes, you're outta luck. She could change into her shirt when she puts the bra on—that's what I would have done—but again, this is Bella we're talking about and just don't know if she's that smart."

I am so relieved that Leah came up with solutions that I can't even go off on her for insulting Bella's intelligence.

I throw my arms around Leah. "Leah, I would be so lost without you. I don't think you understand."

When I let her go, her cheeks are pink. "Thanks, Jake. Why do you think I've stuck around this long? The cheap rent?" I laugh.

"Are you tired?" I don't give her a chance to respond. "Cause I'm not. I feel an epic Call of Duty battle coming on... whatcha say?" I am so relieved that there was such a simple and logical solution to Bella's predicament I don't want to sleep. "Bet I can out-Zombie you."

"You are de-lus-ion-al. You have get you out-Zombie me. Psh." As she brushes past me, she flips her long hair over her shoulder. "You're on."

Once we get going, I start in on Leah. "How are Quil and Claire?"

"Disgustingly in love." Leah rolls her eyes and takes out two Zombies with one shot. "They asked about you. Told them you were in the middle of being a stupid fool."

I let it go. "What mischief did you make tonight?"

Leah swears as a Zombie pulls her head off. "We went to a movie. They want to know when we can make up the date you so conveniently forgot about." She looks at me. "You were being a stupid fool then, too."

"What did you see?" The game switches to my round and I start shooting as soon as the countdown ends.

"Something dreadful called _Face Punch_. I would not recommend it. Horrible effects, bad fire and no shirtless guys."

"So was it just the three of you?"

She doesn't answer right away. I throw a grenade and four zombies fall over dead.

"You missed a few," she says. The zombies are quickly surrounding me.

"And you didn't answer me. This shouldn't be anything a little flame thrower can't fix." I flip to the M-2 and let it rip. Zombies fall like leaves. "Are you dodging the question?"

"No. Pushy. That was luck, BTdub."

I look at her. "What did you say?"

"You only got all those because you're lucky."

"No at the end."

"BTdub?"

"Girls really do say stuff like that?"

She shrugs. "If the mood strikes."

"Huh."

"Why?"

"Did you have a date tonight?"

"Not fair. Two different things."

"You did. And you don't want to tell me! Leah, my feelings are hurt!" I feign poutiness. A zombie busts into the widow I was tacking boards back on, taking my arms off on the process. Without arms, I can't really fight them off. The round goes from bad to worse to over in two more seconds. I surrender the controller to Leah.

"You're a wretched actor. Quil brought a friend along." I think she's going for nonchalance, but it's not really working.

"And?"

"And what? Do you want to know he was an asshole and tried to grope me during the movie?"

"Shit, Lee. I'm sorry. I'll beat him up. I'll get Quil to tell me where to find him." It pisses me off that someone would try to take advantage of Leah like that. Granted, I'm sure Leah can put him in his place, but she shouldn't have to. What happened to being a gentleman?

"He's not worth it, trust me. I think he got the picture when my knee came into contact with his balls after the movie." _That's my girl!_ I cheer her on silently.

He must have been awful for Leah to actually resort to physical violence. "I'm still going to say something to Quil."

"Whatever. I don't care." She stands and throws the controller into my lap. "Since not only did I get movie-groped, I also had to hear about you and Bella potentially making babies, I would call this night an epic fail. I am going to bed."

I watch her go down the hall, dragging her jean jacket alongside her. Leah's usually somewhat sultry walk is definitely more of a trudge tonight. And I would have seen it had I been paying attention to my best friend instead of lamenting my own issues.

Still not tired, I join up with a live multi-player game, but after one horrible round with a kill-death ratio of 4 to 24, I leave the game since my mind is obviously elsewhere. With Bella on the couch. With Leah at the movie. Kissing Bella's bare chest. Punching the groper in the gut.

I shut off the console and head to bed.

* * *

When I wake up in the morning, my head is pounding. I slide out of bed and stumble into the bathroom. Fighting the morning chill, I start the shower and turn the water hot enough to melt the ache from my body and my head. I pull off my boxers and step into the shower pulling the curtain closed behind me. Standing directly under the water, I let it run down my body. The longer I stand there, the better I feel. The steam pushes the headache away. The stress in my back is washed down the drain. When the water starts running cool, shut it off and grab my towel. I step back out of the shower when I'm dry.

I know what I want to do.

Run.

Who cares if its—I check the clock—6:45 in the morning and I just had a shower? I leave my towel lying in the middle of the bedroom floor, put on some running clothes, grab my iPod and head out into the cold morning.

No one is moving this early. No one. I start a playlist with a fast beat and U2 pours into my ears. I take off.

More than an hour later, I'm coming out of the park into an awakening city. As I cool down, the worries from last night start coming back. I push them away. I'm not to focus on them yet.

I stop by Daylight Donuts to get Leah and I half a dozen donuts. She is a sucker for the pumpkin coffee Daylight will stop carrying soon. And, after the night she's had, I'd say she deserves a chocolate glazed cake donut and a large pumpkin coffee. There's a crowd at Daylight and for a Sunday morning, that's rare. I have to wait in line for twenty minutes. I am assaulted by the sweet, cakey smell of donuts in the oven. My mouth is watering. Finally, I am one away from the counter. The lady in front of me (who's hair is a definite shade of blue) is counting pennies to pay for her sixty-five cent cup of coffee. I stifle a groan. I am so close yet so far away.

"This is why I don't come here on Sunday mornings," a voice behind me says. I turn my head to see who's whispering in my ear. All I can see is lots of blonde hair. I feel her back out of my personal space and I turn around.

She extends her hand to me. "I'm Rosalie."

"Jake." We shake hands. She's beautiful. Long, blonde hair, longer legs and skinny. Before I know I've done it, I give her a thorough once-over. Instead of shying away from it or even calling me on it, she seems to bask in it. She's got a lot of self-confidence, and rightfully so.

The lady in front of me is still counting pennies. I turn back to Rosalie. "It's pretty clear why I'm moving this early. But what's your excuse?" She's got on knee high boots, a skirt and a leather jacket.

"Maybe I haven't been to bed yet," she purrs at me with a wink. Looking closer at her face, I see the smudges in her makeup I hadn't noticed before.

"Oh," is all I manage to say.

"May I help you?" Thankfully, the counter girl saves me from Rosalie who might be a bit more than I can handle. I smile at Rosalie and turn to the counter.

"Hi, may I please have two chocolate cake glazed, a sprinkle, a pumpkin cake, and a sour cream cake." I pull out my wallet. "Oh, and two large pumpkin coffees." The counter lady gives me my total and I pass over my debit card. The credit card machine takes forever to run.

"You picked all my favorites," Rosalie says to me.

"They're all my roommate's favorites, too," I tell her.

"Oh! You're gay! I'm sorry, I usually have a pretty good gay-dar, but I just missed it with you." She rolls her amber eyes. "Guess that's what I get for not going to sleep."

I sputter. "I am not gay. I live with a girl. I am kinda dating a girl. Me? Not gay." I take my debit card back from the counter lady who is not bothering to hide her laugher at my expense. Rosalie, unfortunately, is not the most quiet of conversation holders. The counter lady passes me the box of donuts and both the coffees. I turn and face Rosalie. "It was nice to meet you. I am taking my donuts home now."

She rummages in her oversized bag and pulls out a sharpie. Uncapping it, she says, "Well, then, Jake, you should call me. You seem like you'd be a lot of fun." She writes her number on one of the cups of coffee I'm holding in the cup carrier. When she's done she breezes past me. "Ta ta for now, delicious."

When I leave Daylight, I look back. Rosalie is still at the counter… counting pennies. I wonder if she's like that all the time or if her drunkenness from last night hadn't worn off yet.

* * *

It takes all my concentration not to look up at Bella's apartment when I walk by her building. I act like I'm supposed to be walking down their piece of sidewalk. I know its public property, but I swear I can almost feel Edward's presence oozing out of the building, laying claim to everything surrounding his apartment building. I pick up the pace and hurry home.

I almost drop the coffee trying to open the door to the building, but I hold on. I lumber up the apartment stairs, slow and thoughtful. What Leah said last night about Bella and the shirt problem makes total sense; I can only hope she thought of it, too. Lost in thought, I almost don't see the white bag hanging from the handle of the door. I don't have a free hand to see what's inside but I can tell it's grey. I fling open the door, whacking the wall behind it, put the coffee and donuts on the counter, and yank the bag off the door. I stick my hand inside and pull out my condiment shirt. I practically run back into the hallway looking for Bella, letting the door slam behind me. When did she drop this off? It wasn't here when I left this morning. It had to have been while I was out. I pull out my phone.

_I got the shirt. Are you okay?_

Less than a minute later, she responds. _I'm fine._

_ Fine?_

I wait a few minutes before texting her again. _That's it? You're fine?_

Thirty seconds later. _Yes, I'm fine. I'll try and call you soon._

I groan. "I'm fine" does nothing to settle my mind.

"What's wrong?" Leah, still very asleep, is shuffling down the hall. "Why are you so _loud_?"

"Bella dropped off my shirt." I hold it up.

"Oh. Well, that's good, I guess." She sniffs the air. "Do I smell what I think I smell?"

"If what you think you smell is pumpkin coffee and Daylight Donuts, then yes. I went to hell and back for this breakfast, do you'd better enjoy every bite." I pull my coffee out of the holder and take a cautious sip. "I was hit on and called gay by the same girl while waiting in line."

"Only you, Jake. Only you." Leah takes her coffee and starts back down the hall. "I'm going to go enjoy this in my bed; I'll be back for a donut. Thanks, Jake."

I grab the sour cream cake from the donut box and follow Leah down the hall. I plop into my desk chair and absentmindedly start turning back and forth in the spinny chair. I nibble on the donut, savoring its perfection—still a little warm and just sweet enough. As I finish my coffee, I notice Rosalie's number on the cup collar. I slide the piece of cardboard off the cup.

I can't explain it, but I don't want to throw it away. Rosalie is nothing like Bella—I thought Bella possessed a good bit of self confidence, but compared to Rosalie, she's meek. And, I think I might have said I was kinda dating someone? I am not "kinda dating" Bella. I am running around with her behind her boyfriend's back. Who could have caught her in my shirt last night, but I wouldn't know, because all she'll tell me is she's "fine."

I think back to Rosalie, smudged makeup and in last night's clothes. If only life could be that simple. To think one night at a time, one phone number at a time.

I sigh. Life isn't that easy. Anyone who thinks it is is fooling themselves.

I know this, but it doesn't stop me from opening my desk drawer and placing Rosalie's number inside.


	15. Winter: Secrets

**Guess who? Yep, motivated Trees here with a lovely little chapter I think you will all like... and then want to whack me on the head at the end when you see how it ends.  
**

**So some news... I guess there was some technical delays (?) on theair_thesun, the site that is hosting the Underdog Awards. Voting is open for the third wave of awards and AIH is nominated in TWO (!) categories: **Jacob You Would Do** and **Story You Would Have Bound into a Book to Keep on Your Shelf**. Those are some awfully important categories to be nominated in and I hope I'm not letting yall down in either area! Voting closes on 9/27. To vote, you can Google "Underdog Awards, Twilight" and then follow the links over to theair_thesun on LiveJournal and click the link that says Underdogs. You MUST be a registered LiveJournal user to vote. It takes all of two seconds to join LJ if you haven't already... I had to do it so I could vote! Since I'm giving you this wonderful present early, will you go and vote? **

**I have already scheduled AIH time into my weekend so I am crossing my fingers to get ch 16 off to **llynn20** by Saturday night. Trust me, you want me to get 16 written (I have 1000 words down already). If it goes according to the outline, you will be hollering for 17! So I'll trade you... ch 15 today and 16 on regular posting day (Friday) in exchange for a vote. **

**As of this moment, AIH is at 91 glorious reviews. Think I can make it to 100 with this chapter? HUGE milestone for me if we can get there! Ohhhhh! Goodies! I'll send the 100th reviewer a lil sneak peak into ch 16 (with a day's buffer to pick the perfect tidbit). :) Unless you are **skywlkrgrl** who HATES spoilers, haha. Just make sure you have you PM's enabled so I can send it to you! I think all the reviews have been replied to now... if I missed anyone, I am sorry! :) I LOVED everyone's guesses about Rosalie and Bella and The Number. I won't give anything away... no I won't! Wink, wink. **

**Oh, law. I've turned into a bargainer. Must. Stop. Now. :(  
**

**Many, many hugs and kisses to my splendiferous beta **llynn20**. Having her as a friend makes me one happy lady. She send me these words from the Foo Fighters today: **"You ask for walls, I'll build them higher; We'll lie in shadows of them all; I'd stand but they're much too tall; And I fall" ** I don't know if she could have picked any better words for the upcoming chapters. You rock, sista!**

**Much love to you all! Hope you enjoy!  
**

* * *

**Part Two: Winter**

_Is it cold yet in New York City?_  
'_Round here the trees been blowing off red  
Everyone's talking about change on the airwaves  
I still got you on my breath_

**Chapter Fifteen: Secrets**

It's been almost a week, and I haven't heard anything from Bella. Not a peep. Her silence is maddening. I think I made it harder on myself knowing I can't reach out to her. Rather, I should _not_ reach out to her. I could text her all day long if I really wanted to. It's who could be on the other end of that text that holds me back. I feel like every text I could send her would be read by two sets of eyes.

Leah, of course, has her own opinion on the situation by day two of the Silent Treatment. "I'm glad you're wising up. I was tired of you being a stupid fool."

"You know that if this hadn't happened I'd still be seeing her, right?"

Huff. Puff. "Whatever. I'm just glad I have my friend back."

"You never lost me, Lee. I've always been right here."

"You say that, Jake, but you weren't on the other end your Bella shenanigans."

I can't argue with that point. Leah did get the short end of the stick.

* * *

On day three of Silent Treatment, Leah throws me a curve ball right when we sit down to dinner. "You should call the girl from Daylight."

I almost choke on my chicken. "What? How'd you know about that?"

"You told me." She hastily shoves a bite of chicken and rice in her mouth.

"I didn't tell you Leah. I told you I was called gay and hot by the same person but that's it."

She at least has the decency to turn bright red before she confesses. "Well, I needed a thumbtack, four really, and I knew you had that little box of them in your desk drawer—"

"You went through my desk?"

"Only for the thumbtacks! I opened the drawer and saw the coffee collar and just put two and two together." She makes the pouty face I can't be mad at. "I'm sorry. Thanks for the thumbtacks."

I forgive her like she knew I would. I really can't be mad over four thumbtacks and a coffee collar. Leah doesn't bring Rosalie up again.

* * *

On day four, Sam calls on my lunch break. "I need you, Jake. I've got to get out of this house. Its nonstop wedding and I can't wait to marry Em, but I have got to have a break. I don't care what the invitations look like. I will wear whatever tux she tells me to. There are piles of that white mesh looking stuff in my man room. Please, Jake. Help a brother out."

I laugh at his desperation. "Okay, okay! It's Thursday so there should be college football on tonight."

"Yes, football. Football is great. Football has zero in common with taffeta and invitations and picking out China."

"Does Emily know you're this… freaked out?"

"I'm not freaked out! I can't wait to marry her. All I want to do is marry her. I wish we could just take off tonight and come back next week married. I just want all the fuss to end."

"You should tell her."

"I can't tell her! She'll take it as cold feet."

"Sam, anyone who knows you and Emily would never think that. Emily won't think that. You do not have cold feet. You just want your man cave back."

"Exactly. I want my man cave back."

"I'll meet you at the Ale House as soon as I can get there."

"I'll have a beer waiting."

As he promised, Sam has a beer waiting on me as soon as I get to the Ale House. I take a long drink of the beer before I even sit down.

"Long day?" Sam asks.

"More like long week. How'd Emily take you ditching the wedding for a day?"

"She didn't care. She says she understood." He shrugs. "Man, I can't wait till she's my wife. I don't know how I got so lucky." A silly grin shines from Sam's face.

"Because the two of you were practically made for each other. I'm happy for you man." I hold up my glass. "To you and your bride to be." Sam clinks my glass.

"Thanks, man. How's Bella? Are you two still hanging out?"

"She's giving me the silent treatment."

"What'd you do?"

"I didn't _do_ anything. Her boyfriend's back in town." I give Sam the details of everything that's happened since his Halloween party, which feels like it was months ago.

"You like her, huh?"

"That might be an understatement." I wash the admission down with some more beer.

"How long has she been dating the guy?"

"I don't know exactly but she's been with him a long time."

"Have the two of you talked about it?"

"Some. She told me a little of their history. Her parents died when she was in college and he was her person through it all. I don't know if she knows how to be without him, if that makes sense."

Sam thinks for a minute. "It does. But she's either bored with him, tired of him, or doesn't know how to get rid of him because if she was as happy as I am with Emily, she wouldn't be seeing you on the sly. No offense, man."

"None taken." He hasn't hurt my feelings. It's the truth. I figure I should give Sam the whole truth. "She was pretty freaked out when she realized that Edward was home early." I take a deep breath. "Sam, something's going on with him. I don't know what it is but Bella's almost…" I look for the right word. "Afraid of him."

Sam takes a sip of beer. I can tell he's thinking. "I'm going to just say this… because there's no easy way to say it."

"Okay."

"Do you think Edward could be abusive?"

I take a deep breath. "I haven't let myself consider it. But the thought's crossed my mind." We sit in silence for a moment. "She did have a black eye the first time we hung out, but she says she fell down the stairs."

"Do you believe her?"

"For her sake, I want to."

"Just keep your eyes open, Jake. I don't know what else to say."

The waitress comes around and we order dinner and another beer. A roar explodes around us. "Touchdown!" The TV announcer cries. Sam and I haven't been paying attention at all.

* * *

Day Five of the Silent Treatment opens with a bang.

Literally.

And a string of cussing from Leah.

I jump out of the shower covered in body wash and run into the kitchen wrapped in my towel.

"What's wrong?"

"I hate the _fucking_ blender!" Leah screams at me, turning to face me. Her pink sweater is now splotched purple. The same purple mess is in her hair and dripping off her nose. The blender somehow managed to end up in the floor, purple pooling around Leah's black heels. "If you laugh, I _will_ kill you. Kill. You. Dead."

I suck back in the laugh I was about to let out and try to cover it with a cough. "At least you're still alive. I thought you'd been had."

"I was had… by the blender. And a smoothie." She seems to really see me for the first time. "You'd better hurry in the shower. I can't go to work looking like this." She waves her hand in my direction, blushing furiously in the process.

I scoot back to the shower.

The day doesn't slow down when I get to work. Someone stuck a bright green Post It to my computer monitor. I don't do Post Its. I hate it when people leave me notes. Friday morning's note says:

_Jacob: Four boxes of shredding in copy room._

_Four_ boxes? Isn't this why there are professional shredding companies? Four boxes will take me, oh, three hours to shred.

In my Outlook, I have three copy requests, a proposal to proof, and a supply request for purple gel pens with finger grips.

Oh, the joys of being a manretary.

I make a to-do list. It helps keep the priorities in order. The proposal is due first. I format it into its proper layout and start checking over the grammar. By the time I'm done, it's time for the morning strip tease—oh, I mean mail run. Another twenty minutes blur by. When the copy requests are completed and delivered, it's time for lunch. I forward the phones and leave the building.

I eat my lunch in the courtyard behind the building. The sun shines in through the trees and it's almost warm under its rays. I lean back against the wooden picnic table and tilt my face to the sky. There is a breeze blowing, too, but the brick walls of the courtyard keep most of it away from me. The wind that does find its way inside blows the leaves off the trees. The air is crisp and cool. To anyone else it would be cold.

It will be Thanksgiving soon and then Christmas and then New Years. I am always amazed at how fast this time of year goes by. A strong gust of wind blows leaves around my head in a flurry of golds, reds, auburns and garnets. For some reason, I think of picking apples—maybe dad took us as kids?—though apple picking is much more fall than it is winter. And the weather today is much more winter than fall. There are still leaves hanging on, not willing to float off into gentle oblivion. My hour flies by and before I'm ready I have to go back inside to face the piles of shredding.

I take both my work cell and my personal cell into the copy room with me. The copy room isn't high on my list of favorite places. It's small, windowless, and hot. The shredder is louder than a passing eighteen-wheeler. The people in the offices down the hall complained about the noise after my last shred-a-thon so I kick the door stop out from under the door and let the door swing shut. I tuck my tie into my shirt so the shredder won't eat it.

It's not long before I've rolled up both my sleeves because of the heat. I can feel it radiating at my back from the industrial copier. But I keep feeding the papers through the monster shredder, paperclips and staples and all, stack after stack, only stopping to change the bag.

Half way through the first box and mid bag change, the door opens.

Wonderful. Just the person I want to be shut into the copy room with.

I greet Lauren with a polite "hello" but quickly go back to shredding so conversation will be near impossible. I hear the copier start churning out whatever she just set up. It's punching holes and stapling so it must be a big job.

I keep shredding with my back to her. A few minutes later, Lauren steps over to the boxes of copy paper to removes a ream from the open box on the floor. Even though there is a box open that's chest height.

"Copier's almost out," she says, bending over making sure I have a good look down her shirt. I don't look. It's not even tempting.

Office Cougar isn't my favorite entrée.

When I don't react, she straightens up and marches back to the copier, paper in hand. I don't hear her load the paper into the machine.

The shredder stops again and I squat down to change the bag. I am about ninety nine point nine percent certain Lauren is watching me. When I tie off the bag and stand up, she's _right there_ in my space.

"Big boy must be hungry," she purrs, only half way attempting to gesture towards the shredder.

"Um," I say and toss the bag into the corner with the others.

"I guess he always is," she tells me, as she runs her long, bright red nails across my shirt. She gives my tie a little tug before letting me go. I step back, just trying to get away from her, and stumble when I back into the shredder. "Careful there, big boy," she says, taking her papers and leaving the room.

I let out the breath I'd been holding. That woman is a mess. First of all, she's over fifty-five and dresses like she's not a day over twenty-five. She thinks she's fine as wine, but she just looks old and kinda wrinkled.

I shudder.

And go back to shredding. When I re-load my arms, I notice my personal phone is blinking. I unlock the keyboard. A text. I open it expecting Leah asking me to get something from the grocery.

My heart skips a beat. It's from Bella. Silent Treatment Bella. And its only one word long:

_Surprise!_

I start to text her back. I'm half way through _You're alive! I was worr_ when I hear the door open.

My mouth hits the floor.

Bella is standing in _my_ copy room, looking adorable in jeans and a green sweater. She's got some kind of hat on her head and her hair's in a side ponytail sticking out from under the hat.

"Bella?" I breathe.

"Hi, Jake."

I reach for her.

And she's in my arms.

Like no time has passed at all.

As soon as I find her lips, I pick her up and her legs wrap around me. I take a couple of very awkward steps (it's actually quite hard to walk with a girl wrapped around your body, contrary to popular belief) to the door and push the little lock button.

Her hands are everywhere—on my face, in my hair, pulling my tie, rubbing my back. I'm holding her curvy butt in my hands, pulling her closer to me. We both know we're making up for a week's worth of lost time. And letting out a week's worth of worry and frustration. I take a couple more awkward steps to the stack of paper boxes and sit Bella on top of it.

"I've been worried about you, Bells," I whisper into her brown hair. It smells like strawberries.

"I'm fine, Jake. I just couldn't get away," she says while I nuzzle and kiss her neck.

I pull her tighter. I didn't realize just how much I missed her until right now. "I missed you."

She looks up at me. "I missed you, too." Her eyes start to fill.

"Are those tears?" I wipe her cheeks with my fingers. "What's wrong?"

"I just missed you is all. It's been a long week." I kiss her forehead. "I feel better now that I'm here with you." She smiles at me. "In the copy room. Sitting on a stack of paper boxes."

I laugh. "Yeah, I've been in here most of the afternoon. Four boxes to shred. It takes a while."

"Will you get in trouble if they find me here with you?"

I think about it. I might get reprimanded, but I am just so happy to see her, I don't care. "Nah, we're good." I run my finger down her cheek. "I was afraid you'd disappeared for good." I can't keep the sadness from leaking into my voice.

She laughs, but it doesn't come off as light as she hoped. "I don't think I could say goodbye to you if I tried."

And we're kissing again. The hunger is gone now; the frantic kisses from before are replaced with gentile, tender exchanges. Her honesty has once again changed the dynamic of whatever this is between us.

I can't explain the swelling I have in my chest, the emotion that is coursing through my body. I've never felt this way about anyone. I feel like have finally caught my breath after a weeklong sprint. Just having Bella this close again makes me feel like the marathon's over and I came in with record time and the best prize—her, here in my arms. She anchors me to the here and now and, although I know we have more obstacles in our way than a normal couple, I can't help but want to throw caution to the wind and just… the word that comes to mind shocks me… _love_ her. In all senses of the word.

The realization shocks me.

I feel Bella slide something into my back pocket. "What'd you put in my pocket?"

"Something fun. Look at it when I leave, okay?" She puts her arms around my neck, kissing me again, before using me as a pole to slide down off the boxes. "I'd better go. I don't want to get you in trouble. Just be ready for an adventure," she says slyly. She stands on her tiptoes to kiss me one more time. I pull her close to me. Her chaste goodbye kiss is on the verge of becoming something else altogether when she breaks away. "I'll see you soon."

I watch her open the door and leave. When the door closes behind her, the room seems to get a shade gloomier and fifty degrees hotter. I pull the paper out of my pocket and unfold it.

At the top of the paper is a photocopy of a small train ticket. 'Amtrak' is printed at the top and there are station details and times below. According to my ticket, the train leaves the city at 6:45 am. I almost groan at the time but I hold it back. A full day with Bella is worth getting up at six on a Saturday. But, she's a sneaky one, that Bella. She's blacked out the destination city. I have no idea where we're going only that we'll get there around 11:30 and leave around 4:30.

Below the ticket, Bella wrote a note in her loopy cursive.

_Jake, _

_Better dress warm. It's a long ride to wishful thinking. And I can't wait to explore it with you._

_XO (XOXOXO),_

_Bella_


	16. Winter: Declarations

**Hello! Happy banned books week everyone! (At least where I am it's banned books week... what about you?) Anyone want to guess what the most banned/challenged book is? Yep, Harry Potter! Crazy, huh?**

**Lots of love to **feebes86** who was the 100th reviewer of AIH! Haha, when I told her, she said, "I've never been a milestone before!" Hope you enjoyed your sneak peek! I tried not to give too much away! **

**Yall are amazing... 14 reviews last chapter! Ugga bugga! That's a ton! Every single one of them made me grin... and type faster! I can 83.75% promise you a chapter next Friday, too! That's how much motivation yall sent me! Really random question: do yall see the lines I put into the chapter to separate times/places/changes? They weren't showing in a story I was reading and I don't want to be confusing. Let me know if they aren't showing up and I'll do something else. **

**A note on the city that Jake and Bella and Edward live in: I have fictionalized a lot of the infrastructure (subways, buses, etc) but all of the places exist in the city, most of them within walking distance from each other. Well, except Mein Moon. That's here where I am, not where they are, haha. Also, there is no train depot at the final destination mentioned in the chapter. That, too, was fictionalized for the sake of this story, though it would be pretty cool if it did exist. :)**

**If you haven't gathered, I have the very best beta I could ever have asked for... and, really, **llynn20** found me to beta her story and here we are! Working on something else entirely. She sees the bigger picture of the fandom a lot better than I do and does her best to make sure that AIH is getting lots of attention, a lot of times without me even knowing. She's just that awesome. She deserves a big hoorah! for polishing this up nice and pretty for us all this week. Heart you, sis!  
**

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* * *

Part Two: Winter**

_Is it cold yet in New York City?_  
'_Round here the trees been blowing off red  
Everyone's talking about change on the airwaves  
I still got you on my breath_

**Chapter Sixteen: Declarations**

Saturday morning is bitterly cold but holds the promise of a warm afternoon sun. I wear the jeans Bella got me for Halloween and a long sleeved navy blue polo. Since I don't know where we're going, I don't want to show up looking like a slob, in case its someplace nice. I pull on my fleece as I leave the apartment and head into the frigid morning.

I meet Bella at the Daylight Donuts on the way to the station. I can see her inside the small shop holding a cup of coffee. I pick up my pace. I don't know how she managed to pull this off, but I am grateful for the day I'm getting to spend with her.

The bell on the door announces my entry. Bella looks up and smiles at me, big and bold and beautiful. I grin back. She holds out an empty coffee cup to me.

"I already paid for it," she tells me. I shake my head at her. "I asked you on this date, remember?" There's no way I'm allowing her to pay for everything today.

"So we're on an official date, huh?" Bella nods and smiles, hiding her excitement by taking a sip of her coffee. I press the top of the coffee thermos and French toast coffee spills into my cup. "Too bad I'm a traditional kind of guy who isn't going to let you pay for everything, even if you did ask me out."

She snorts. "We'll just see about that."

With my free hand, I pull Bella into a hug. "You look cozy," I offer. Her huge coat is puffed up all around her head. I can barely see her in it. I move to kiss her, but she backs away with a look that warns me to be patient.

"It's cold, Jake," she covers. "I can't help it that you're always warm. Plus, we might be going somewhere you'd want something more than that thin fleece. You know I still have your jacket from the coffee shop?" I'd forgotten about that. She checks her watch after she pulls it out of her jacket sleeve. "We'd better get going or we'll miss the train."

The bell jingles as the door shuts behind us. "When will you tell me where we're going?"

"You didn't look it up? I figured curiosity would get the best of you and you'd check the train time tables." She looks at me quizzically. "You really didn't look?"

"No. Should I have? I didn't want to ruin your surprise. I was just happy to know I had a whole day I didn't have to share you."

She leans in for a kiss and I give her one. Neither of us seems to be in a hurry to steal kisses. We have all day. What's the rush?

"Thanks, Jake. I'm glad you could come. _Alice_ will be glad you could come."

"Alice did this?" Surprise leaks from my voice.

"Kind of. She knows we've been hanging out. Don't look surprised. She's my best friend. Some things are just too big to keep to yourself."

"Fair. Sam and I talked about you and me the other day."

"Really?" She draws it out nice and long. "What did Sam have to say?"

"Other than to tell you hi?" I don't think she wants to hear Sam's theories. "That he's ready for the wedding to be over. He just wants to be married already. He wants his man cave back." Bella laughs but I keep her on track. "So what does this have to do with Alice?"

"Oh yeah. Well, Alice and I have been talking a lot lately about me and you, or the potential of me and you, and so far, she seems to agree very much with the idea of you, but maybe not with the execution of me and you becoming me and you." Her sentence is long and windy and twisty and I try and follow it.

"So, you're saying Alice thinks you should be dating me and not McSerious?"

She laughs again. "I guess that's what she's saying. She bought the train tickets and told me to get lost."

I say a silent prayer to the Dear Lord thanking him for the wonder that is Alice No-Last-Name.

"And he we are," Bella says as we approach the train station. She guides us to our train and all I can tell is that we're heading west. She places our tickets on the end of our row and we slide in. I take the window. Bella sits across from me. "I want to be able to look at you," she explains.

I nod. "When I meet this Alice, I must thank her for her good sense. What did you tell—" I almost choke on his name "—Edward about today? If I'm allowed to ask."

"Sure. That Alice was traveling through the western part of the state today and she invited me out to see her." She smiles almost to herself. "Edward can't say no to Alice. I think he's secretly afraid of her. She knew he wouldn't want to tag along on our girl's day."

"What if he insisted?"

"She would tell him he wasn't invited." Her tone is final and I know that part of the conversation is over. The train's whistle blows and with a jerk the train starts moving.

But I still have a million questions that I need answered. "Bella, what happened when you got home?" I don't need to clarify any further. She knows the night I'm referring to.

Bella takes a deep breath. "Well, after the initial rush of panic I knew I _couldn't_ panic because that would look even weirder from Edward's perspective. So _what_ if I was out? It's not like he keeps me locked in the apartment." She gasps at her words; almost shocked she said them out loud. "I don't mean that you know." But her tone leads me to believe she actually does, at least a little bit.

I don't know what else to say so I tell her, "Okay." What else can I say?

"Okay, well… about half way up the stairs, I realized I probably shouldn't go busting into the apartment braless and in another man's shirt. So, I ran back down the stairs to the basement bathroom and put by bra on and changed back into my shirt. I rolled up your shirt and put it in the bottom of my bag. And then I went back upstairs."

"Damn. Leah was spot on." I shake my head incredulously at the mythical female intuition.

"You told _Leah_? Jake!" She swats at me from across the seat.

"She knew something was wrong! And like you said, sometimes you need someone to talk to about these things."

"Touché," she says. "What did Leah say?"

"That she would have done exactly what you did. But I how'd you get the shirt back to me without _him_ knowing?"

"Sheer genius." She tries to put a smile in her words, but fails. Her eyes cloud over, like she's stuck in a moment she can't get out of.

I pat the seat beside me. "I never get you all alone. You're too far away." She snaps out of whatever memory pulled her attention away and blushes before sliding onto the seat beside me. I put my arm around her, pulling her close.

"So where are we going?"

She looks up at me, brown eyes shining now. "Do you _really_ want to know or would you rather be surprised?"

"I hate surprises," I pout.

Bella kisses me. "You'll love this one, I promise." She settles into me, getting comfortable. "You're so _warm_, Jake. It's like I didn't know I was cold until I realized how much you thaw me out."

We sit in comfortable silence, train rocking us back and forth. I feel Bella's breathing grow deeper and more steady. I look down at her; she's fast asleep, her face peaceful and calm. Not long after, I'm asleep, too.

* * *

"Jake… Jake…." Something is shaking my arm.

"Go away," I grumble.

"Oh, come on. You really want to sleep away this perfect day?" A small hand punches my arm.

I open my eyes and wink at Bella. "Ha. Just kidding." She leans away from me, but I sit up and follow her, forcing her back onto the opposite seat. I can feel her breathing speed up, as it brushes across my cheek. I kiss her on the neck and run my fingers into the back of her hair before I playfully bite her ear. She inhales sharply and I let her go, flopping back into my own seat.

"No fair," she pants. "Sneak attack."

"Those are the best kind." I wink at her again. "Where are we?" I look out the window at the green grass and bare trees blurring past. The only part that isn't moving is the mountains hovering around us.

"Um, I think we're probably getting close." She consults her watch again. "Yep, almost there."

"Huh." I am still too busy trying to figure out where we could be other than in the western part of the state. The trees are completely devoid of leaves. It's beautiful, looking out my little window, in a way we haven't seen yet at home.

"Did you bring a camera?"

"What?" I turn back to Bella. "A camera? No."

"Okay."

"Why?"

"Just wondering." She smiles at me like she's relieved I don't have one.

The train applies its breaks and I can feel us start to slow down.

"I'm so excited," Bella tells me. "This has always been on my to-do list!"

"You might have to tell me soon, Bells."

"No! You're waiting this long; ten more minutes won't kill you. Anyway, you'll know exactly where we are as soon as you get off the train."

Her enthusiasm is catching. We stand and put our coats back on. I look out the window again. The train is pulling into a small, old-fashioned station. I can't see the station sign anywhere.

Bella slides her hand into mine. "Come on, Jake." I allow her to lead me off the train and out into the day.

The actual station is a dark brick building. Bella pulls me toward it. I open the door for her, assaulted by the roaring heat blowing out of the station. A partitioned waist height counter runs the length of the left wall. One section is marked "tickets" another "will call." To our right, a roaring fire, surrounded by cozy looking armchairs and even some rocking chairs, lights up the room. Pictures of a huge house and gardens line the walls. I know the house in the pictures, but I can't place it.

"Hi, I had will call tickets?" Bella approaches an older lady sitting behind one of the counters.

"What's your last name, dear?"

"Swan," Bella tells her.

I stand beside Bella. "Where are we, Bells?"

The lady turns around and faces us, envelope in hand. "Why, you're at the Biltmore Estate!" She passes the tickets to Bella along with a shiny and colorful brochure. "Map is inside the pamphlet, along with a brief history of the house. Make sure you visit the winery. They're doing a special tasting today." She wags her eyebrows at us. "Welcome to Asheville!"

"Surprise!" Bella squeezes me with the arm she's put around my waist. "This really was all Alice. She sent me the train tickets and told me I had two tickets on hold at the Biltmore for today. I've always wanted to come here."

I don't really know what to say. I'm totally taken aback by Alice's generosity. Tickets to the Biltmore aren't cheap. I would think the train ticket wasn't either. I owe this girl some serious thanks.

Bella leads me out of the station through the doors opposite where we came in. A little wooden sign is by a path, pointing the way to the "Main House," "Stables," "Winery" and "Gardens."

Bella is bouncing, she's so excited. "Come on, Jake, let's go!" It's a lot colder in Asheville than it was in Raleigh. Bella's breath is coming out in little white cloud puffs. I take her hand as we start down the path that will lead to the main house.

"Okay. We need a plan of attack." I raise my eyebrows quizzically at Bella. "We can take a tour of the house in ten minutes, if we make it. Then, we can eat lunch at the winery and—"

"Bella!" I cut her off. "How long have you been planning this?"

"Oh, just a couple of days. I did some online snooping to figure out what the high points would be. Did you know they already have the Christmas tree up?"

I shake my head.

"Yep, and we could have gone white water rafting had it not been November. And the menu at the winery—"

I stop walking. Bella turns to face me. "Did you leave any time for spontaneity? Or have you planned our whole day?"

Her face falls. "Well, I didn't want to waste any of our time."

I put a finger under her chin and tilt her face up. "We never have time alone, Bells. I want to savor every moment I have with you today. I just don't want to feel rushed by a schedule. If we make it to the tour, we make it. If not, we'll explore on our own." I kiss her, deep enough for her to know I wasn't being rude. "This is all I want. Me and you. Just being together."

She nods and smiles up at me. I kiss her again and take her hand.

"Lead the way, Captain."

In what feels like mere seconds rather than the twenty minutes it actually took, the path opens up and we're standing on the edge of a large grassy yard. Directly in front of us is the biggest house I've ever seen. The house was obviously built on a hill because all I can see behind the house are blue hued mountains.

"It's huge!" Bella exclaims.

"People actually lived here?" I ask her.

"Yep. The Vanderbilt's. Come on!" She's shifting back into tour guide mode. I digress.

As it works out, we don't make the guided tour of the house. Once we see the senior tour group, we decide missing the start was the better thing. We follow the tour in through the huge wooden doors.

"Wow," Bella breathes beside me.

"You said it." I stand there, awestruck, just staring at the magnificence of the house around us.

The tour group starts up the four-story spiral staircase to the second floor. I take Bella's hand.

"Come on, let's go this way. Maybe it will be less crowded." She's still gazing at everything around us. "Bella?"

"Yeah? Okay." She follows me into a domed room full of tropical plants.

"Are those… oranges?"

Bella consults our guidebook. "Yep. Says here that the Vanderbilt's kept a winter garden. So, I'd say that might be an orange."

We walk around in stunned silence. The tour group passes us as we start up the spiral staircase to the upper floors. We admire the bedrooms and the library and the ballroom.

"I wonder how many people worked here," Bella mumbles to me as we stand in the doorway to the grand ballroom. "It would take an army to keep this place running… all for three people!"

I look at the guidebook for clues. "Hey, it says here we can go down to the basement and look at the servant's quarters."

Her eyes twinkle. "Let's go."

After getting lost trying to find the small, hidden staircase to the basement, we finally emerge into a somewhat tight hallway. It finally opens up in front of the kitchens.

"It's small! Imagine preparing a meal to serve in that ballroom!"

"I know! Wonder where they kept all the food?" I muse.

"And how they kept it cold," Bella adds.

We turn around to see the freezer and pantry rooms behind us. They, too, are small.

When we're ready to move on I consult the map again. To get out we have to go through the swimming room.

"Bella, they had a _pool_."

"A pool? Ohhh, I gotta see that." She whirls around and heads down the hallway. I hurry to catch up.

When we find the pool, we are both literally struck silent. It's not huge compared to today's pools, but surmising what it must've took to build it in its day staggers us both. And it's indoors. There are ropes hanging from the metal railings that would have floated in the water for people to hold on to as they swam. There is a diving board. And lights run along the bottom of the pool that, in the past, would have served as the underwater lighting.

"I must thank Alice when I finally get to meet her," I tell Bella for the hundredth time today.

"You should call her," Bella suggests, holding her phone out to me. "She's speed dial number two."

I look down at the phone. "No service. I'll wait till we're back outside." I slide Bella's phone in my back pocket. After touring the "state of the art" fitness room, we make our way back to the main hall. I look at Bella's phone again. One bar.

We leave the house and I'm struck with a brilliant idea.

"Sir? Excuse me, but would you mind taking a picture of us?"

The man turns to me. "No, not a problem. Y'all sure picked a great day to come to Biltmore. Not so crowded today for some reason."

I cue up Bella's phone camera and pass it over.

I grab Bella and position us in front of the doors to the house.

"Smile!" He calls.

I grin as the camera's meager flash goes off.

Bella's got her phone back from the guy before I can even move. She's pressing buttons and I hope she's sending it to my phone so I'll have a copy, too.

"Thank you, sir."

"Y'all are a lovely couple. Enjoy your time in Asheville!"

We tour the gardens before my stomach gets the best of me. "Bella, I'm kinda hungry," I tell her sheepishly.

"I was waiting for you to say something! It's past lunchtime! Do you want to eat at the winery? It's only a short walk from here."

I know she's had her heart set on doing this all day. "Sure."

"Did you know they have an inn here, too? It's beautiful. I read about it online."

I want to promise her that one day we can come back and stay at the inn but I can only imagine how expensive it would be for a room and I don't want to make her a promise I can't keep. I don't know what will happen with the two of us down the road. If it hadn't been for Alice, we wouldn't have gotten to have today at all.

"I bet it is."

"We'll go someday," she says wishfully. "I never get to do things like this, ever. I didn't realize it till you asked me to go to Sam's party. And now today. I never have spontaneous fun. Edward and I never do anything fun. I used to be fun. I used to be a lot of fun. What happened to me?"

She looks at me, eyes so sad it makes me feel horrible, like I'm the one that's caused her to feel this lost.

"You're still you. You just have to rediscover that hidden part of you that you thought you lost. It's still there."

She smiles. "Thanks, Jake."

The winery, much like the house did, appears out of the trees. We find the café and get a table inside. The café, unlike the house, is crowded and noisy. Bella orders a strawberry and fried goat cheese salad and convinces me to order a turkey sandwich with avocado and piquillo peppers on a type of bread I've never heard of.

"You need to branch out." She gestures to my sandwich.

"I like simple. This is complicated."

"Metaphor for your life," she says, rolling her eyes.

"No, I like being complicated with you. You and complicated are synonymous terms. I'm okay with that." I take the toothpick out of the sandwich and take a bite. I try and fight it while Bella looks at me apprehensively. "Fine. It's a good sandwich."

She grins at me. "See? Told you."

When the check comes, I grab it before Bella has a chance.

"Jake! I asked you to come with me today! This should be my treat!"

"Bella! I don't think so." I pull my debit card out of my wallet and place it in on the check tray. Our server comes by and picks it up. "So, tour guide, off to the winery?"

"Yes! I've heard really great things about their wine. I love wine."

Our server slides the receipts on the table discreetly. I write in the tip and sign a copy and off we go.

The winery tour is self-guided. We watch a video about the history of the winery and walk through the cellars before ending in the tasting room. As soon as we enter the room, a lady guides us to a tasting table. We sample a red, a white and a seasonal. Bella likes the seasonal. I like the red. We don't buy a bottle though I try to convince her to.

All too soon, its time for us to catch the train back to Raleigh. We're dragging our feet down the path that takes us back to the station.

"I don't want to go," Bella says, sadly. "Today's been as close to perfect as I could have ever asked for."

"I know. Thanks for putting this together."

Neither one of us have much more to say. We both know its back to the real world as soon as the train pulls into the Raleigh station. Back to being two separate people, living two separate lives, only able to intertwine when fate allows us to.

We board the train and take seats in a closed compartment in the rear of the train. As soon as we settle in, I pull Bella onto my lap.

"I've got to have you as close as possible for as long as I can." She snuggles into me.

"I'm not very fair to you, Jake." She whispers the words, so quietly into my chest, I'm not sure if I heard her right.

"You're as fair as you can be." Is this really the time to have this conversation?

"No, I'm not." She looks at me.

"Do you really want to talk about this now?"

She laughs. "No, not really."

"Good. Me neither." I don't know if or how I can put an ultimatum on Bella regarding Edward but we can't keep ignoring the giant white elephant.

We ride in silence for most of the way home.

It's a heavy silence but not an uncomfortable one.

My mind flicks back through memories of today: Bella's excitement, our uncensored affection, sharing casual kisses like any other couple, being tourists and taking pictures.

Pictures. "Bella, can you send me that picture we took with your phone?"

She slides away from me. "I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't?"

"I deleted it."

"What? Why?"

She hangs her head. "It's evidence."

"Evidence?" But as soon as I question her intention, I feel like a fool. It's evidence of our romance, our quasi-relationship. Damning evidence.

I can almost see myself run face first into the giant brick wall that just built itself between us.

For the first time, I really understand the depth of the situation I'm in. Bella is living with her boyfriend. Her asshole boyfriend, but boyfriend nonetheless. She will _never_ be mine. I will _always_ have to share her. I will only be allowed stolen moments: the Halloween party, Bella's visit to the office, the day at Biltmore.

Leah's warnings flood my mind. Bella _will_ break my heart. We _will_ get caught.

"What about the texts I send you?"

"I'm so sorry Jake." I can hear the tears in her voice.

"That's not an answer, Bella."

"I delete those, too. Right after I read them. I delete everything I get from you."

I've never felt so _outside_ before. Here I am, opening my heart to this girl, something I've never done before, only to have it deleted.

Erased.

I don't speak to her until we get off the train.

"Bella, you have to make a decision. Either we stop seeing each other or you end it with Edward. I can't keep doing this."

"I just need some time, Jake…"

"You've had time, Bella. I can't keep falling in love with you—"

"You're falling in love with me?"

"You know I am, Bella. You're not an idiot. I don't know why I let you keep playing with me like this." I shake my head in frustration.

"I'm not trying to play with you, Jake."

"Then don't!" People around us turn and stare at the loudness of my voice. Bella turns and flees. "Bella!" I chase after her. "Bella, just wait."

"I don't know what you want me to say, Jake."

"God, Bella, I don't know what I want you to say."

"If you want to walk away, I'll understand."

I think about it. Think about life before Bella and life with Bella. The before consisted of the Leah and Jake show, week after week, day after day. The same thing, over and over, on repeat.

Life with Bella, through infinitely more complicated, is still infinitely _more_. More everything. More laughs, more excitement, more drama, more fun. Happier. It's how life should be.

And I know. I know I can't walk away from this girl. Part of it is a pure selfishness—I don't want to lose the person who brings the most life to my life. Part of it is fear of letting Bella go—the fear of not knowing what's really going on with her and Edward. Call it protection syndrome, call it whatever. I can't walk away from her without knowing she'll be okay.

That thought weighs on my mind more than any other. Making sure Bella will be okay.

"Call me crazy. But I can't let you go."

"I know how you feel, Jake."

And though my certainty in Bella, in the hope of being an _us_ one day, is rooted deeply in the decision I just made, her words strike a nerve.

"There's no way you know, Bella. You've got your cake and you're eating it, too. You have Edward your long-time lover and me on the side, when you're bored or he's out of town. You have me as an appetizer, and him as the main course." I can't help but think of all the barriers I've tried to put up between us physically. All the times I've had to stop us from going to the _next level_ when, Lord knows, I've wanted to. So bad. "I know you and me aren't really you and me, but the thought of sending you home to _him_ makes me ill. The thought of the two of you… God, I can't even say it."

"Jake, Edward and I haven't had sex since I started seeing you."

That stops me.

Every retort, every reason, every everything leaves my head.

All I manage is, "You haven't been sleeping with him?"

"No." She takes a tentative step towards me.

"Not at all?" My head can't process her confession.

"No, Jake." She steps closer. "I can't."

"You can't?"

"How could I? How could I be with anyone when all I see is you? Your hands, your lips, your body? You and I tangled together?" She puts a hand on my chest. "How could I when I know I'd call your name instead of his?" Her eyes meet mine, and I swear, I can see it all—Bella and I tangled together, her calling my name, over and over, and then… falling… falling over that cliff of pleasure and pain all in one.

I crush her to me. She hangs on to me as tight as I do to her, as if getting as close as possible will ease this huge gorge of complication between us.

I don't care what the obstacles are, what we have in our way.

I don't care if my heart gets broken into a million little pieces.

"We'll work it out, Bells. I want to be with you. God, I'd shout it from the rooftops if I could. It'll work out."

"Promise?"

As much as I want to believe these feelings, this conviction, I can't guarantee her all will work out okay in the end. But it doesn't stop me from trying anyway. "Promise."

We both pretend like we don't hear the hesitation in my voice.


	17. Winter: Decisions

**This is going to be such a great, great weekend! And here is a list of reasons why: **  
**1. College friends coming to town tonight! **  
**2. ESPN Game Day is on campus! **  
**3. I got tickets to the football game! **  
**4. I think you're going to like this chapter! **  
**No wonder I'm bouncing off the walls already! It's going to be a loooooong day. **

**I had a Skype chat with my **llynn20** and **skywlkrgrl** this week... we swapped some music, we talked some Twilight, we gossiped like old ladies. I told **skywlkrgrl** that Edward got on about every one of my nerves and then braced myself for the hands that I was sure would come through the computer screen and hit me on the head. They didn't which totally shocked me. I think **llynn20** was holding her back, haha. See? She protects me even through the computer lines! I'm glad your cold is going away... no fun being sickie. Thank you for always being so wonderful! Be on the look out, peoples, because I'm trying to convince llynn to work on our first collaboration fic soon! **

**And, a special thanks to **Mikkaa** who went through and read every story I have posted here on FF. You rock! :)  
Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter! Yall have some strong opinions and I LOVE it! It keeps me on my toes! Thank you mucho mucho!  
**

**Hum, we've been covering copyrights in my technical services class for the past two weeks. Maybe it makes a difference, maybe not. But I haven't disclaimer-d in a while. So, here goes: These characters are all the creative property of Stephenie Meyer. "All I Have" (the song) was written by the wonderful Mat Kearney. **

**I think yall will see that this chapter is appropriately named. :) **

**

* * *

Part Two: Winter**

_Is it cold yet in New York City?_  
'_Round here the trees been blowing off red  
Everyone's talking about change on the airwaves  
I still got you on my breath_

**Chapter Seventeen: Decisions**

_I will not feel like there is an ax hanging over my head._

There is _not an ax hanging over my head_.

_No ax over my head_.

_No ax_.

No matter how many times I chant it, how many variations I come up with, I can't seem to shake this feeling of impending doom. Sunday I walk around like one wrong step, one wrong glance, will send the ax falling.

And the weather matches my mood. Cold, pouring rain falls all day. I watch some TV. I download some music. I pace up and down the hall. I want to run but the rain has me caged. I feel trapped in the apartment.

"Oh. My. God. Just call her already." Leah appears in the hallway just as I've started back to the living room. "You're on my last nerve."

There is a tentative knock on the front door. I just look at Leah.

"Are you expecting company?"

She rolls her eyes. "No."

I just stare at the door.

"Fine. I'll answer it." Leah walks past me to the door and looks through the peephole. "Oh, wonderful." She opens the door. "Look who it is."

Bella sticks her head around Leah looking in the apartment. "Hey, Jake."

"Gee. Guess this is my cue to leave."

"No, Leah, you don't have to leave," Bella tells her, almost pleading. "Please stay."

Leah snorts. "If you're here, I _can't_ be here." Leah looks at me and back at Bella. "But, really? Who are _you_ to run me out of my own home? I think I will stay. Thank you for the invite, Bella." Leah plops down on the sofa.

Bella just watches Leah and then looks at me. "Come on, Bells." We go to my room. I shut the door.

And an awkward silence settles in.

"So…," I start.

"Edward's gone for a few days," Bella blurts out, sounding unsure of her words. "I hope it was okay that I stopped by. I… well, I wanted to see you. Things were a little weird yesterday when we got back."

"Yeah," I mumble as I fiddle with my phone.

"And, I wanted to tell you… I didn't sleep at all last night. I kept thinking about what you said and what I said and what I really want and… I'm… I'm going to leave him. I'm going to leave Edward."

My head snaps up. "What?"

Bella beams at me. "I'm leaving him, Jake. Just as soon as I can find a place and all that."

"Really?" I am stunned. "What made you decide?"

"I went to bed thinking of you, and I dreamed of you, and I woke up thinking of you. And I realized that's all I've done since we met and I want to _be_ with you. Shout it from the rooftops, be with you." A smile starts growing as she quotes my words from the day before. The uncertainty from earlier is gone. Her voice is strong with conviction.

The ax fell and it _missed_.

I jump out of my chair and scoop her up, laughing.

* * *

Monday, Bella meets me at work for lunch. We sit in the courtyard behind the building. When I get outside, Bella is already there, pulling plastic containers out of a mini cooler. Her back is to me.

I grin and quietly approach her, avoiding dried out leaves as much as I can to hide my approach. She straightens, stretching her back with her arms in the air, and I momentarily freeze before realizing I am missing my prime opportunity. I jump forward, tickling her sides just as she starts to bring her arms back down. She shrieks, reaching a pitch only a girl can achieve, and starts laughing. I can feel her heart speed up as her cry echoes around the courtyard.

"You scared the bejeebies out of me!" She turns and whacks me but I don't let up on my tickling. She's giggling and hiccupping and smiling and turning red. Somehow she manages to get her hands out from under my arms and starts tickling me back. In seconds I've let her go.

"No fair! You can tickle me but I can't tickle you?" She's trying to catch her breath and catch me at the same time, but I move around, evading capture. "Okay, I give up," she pants, sitting down on one of the concrete benches around the round concrete table. "I sure hope you're hungry, because I brought a feast." She starts pulling containers out of the cooler again.

"Good gosh, Bella, did you invite an _army_ to eat with us? There's no way we're going to eat all of this." I slide onto the bench with her.

"Oh, just hush and help me uncap all these."

I take the lid off the container closest to me. Inside are peeled potato wedges with parsley sprinkled over them. I sniff the air. And lemon. They smell like lemon. Bella uncovers a long container with four kebobs inside. My next container reveals a salad with Greek dressing.

"Can you get the plates and silverware out for me? They are in the front pocket of the cooler."

"Sure." I unzip the appropriate pocket and remove two sturdy looking paper plates and two wrapped cutlery sets. I set them on the table to see tubs of hummus, flatbread, green beans and baklava. I raise my eyebrow. Surely there's no way she made all this just for lunch today.

"I wanted to go for something different… you know, other than deli sandwiches and soup. Plus, I've been craving Greek food for, like, ages and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to cook it—"

"Bella, you made all this?" I gesture to the spread on the table. Bella places two kebobs and a scoop of the beans on my plate.

"Well, yeah. It's so much better when it's homemade. I love to cook but I never do. So thanks for giving me the opportunity." She adds a heaping spoonful of potatoes and passes it to me. It's overflowing with goodness. My mouth is watering to the point that I think I might start drooling at any moment. "Oh, I didn't make the baklava. Too labor intensive."

"Wow. Thank you." I force myself to keep my hands in my lap while Bella serves herself. "It looks—and smells—amazing."

"I hope it tastes the same way." She opens a bottle of water and offers it to me before opening one for herself. She holds her water up. "Here's to making major life decisions," she says.

I lean over and kiss her, forgetting all about the feast she's prepared for us. She sighs against my lips and leans into me, sloppily putting her water back on the table. It almost tips over but she catches it before it can. Her hands find their way to my face, holding it gently between the palms of her hands. She is controlling this kiss and no matter how bad I want to really let go, she keeps me in check. Just when I expect her to release me, she pulls my bottom lip into her mouth, sucking lightly. I moan and grip her waist. She pulls away.

"Your lunch is getting cold," she chirps at me, totally playing off the fact that she's being a huge tease.

"You don't play fair, Bells. Just wait, I'll get you back."

She pulls a piece of chicken off her kabob. "Sure, uh huh, right."

"Oh, you just wait," I tell her as I eat a forkful of the most amazing potatoes I've ever eaten.

The rest of Bella's meal doesn't disappoint either.

"I don't think I'm going to get anything done this afternoon. I'm too full."

"Well, I am going home and taking a nap."

"Yeah, go ahead and rub it in." I grin at her mischievously.

"Oh, I'm so scared," she says, mocking me.

We start snapping the lids back on all the plastic containers. There's enough left over to feed Bella all week. As Bella stands to load her cooler, I throw away the plates in the trashcan nearby.

"So I was thinking… if you want to get together tonight, not at my place obviously, but maybe we could go to a movie at the Nickelodeon."

"Sure, sounds fun," I say as casually as possible, totally focused on the opportunity in front of me.

Once more, I quietly approach Bella as she keeps talking to me.

"I think there's a pretty good indie film out right now, I think it—Oh!"

She jumps as I slide my arms around her waist and stand directly behind her so as much of our bodies are touching as possible. I sweep her hair over her left shoulder and start trailing kisses along the back of her neck. Her hands cover mine at her waist.

"Oh, Jake," she whispers, turning in my arms to face me. Our eyes meet and I am instantly lost in her bright brown eyes. I see so many emotions staring back at me that I know mirror my own expression—admiration, pride, joy… love?

My heart swells at the thought of this beautiful creature being _mine_. Of not having to share her anymore. I've never been possessive before, ever. But I don't want her with anyone else.

My lips crash into hers. The possibility of really being together boils between us, igniting our fire even hotter. Bella left her hair down today and I tangle my hands in it behind her neck. I pull a little and Bella leans her head back into my hands. I kiss her neck and as much of her chest as I can around her pink v-neck sweater. She gasps as I slide one hand up the back of her shirt.

"Jake! Someone will see!"

"Look around, Bella," I mumble into her chest. "We're in a _walled in_ courtyard. The back of the building has _no windows_. No one will see."

"What if someone else comes back here to eat?"

"Yeah, won't happen." I move up her neck to her ear.

"What if—"

"But," I release her, desire still burning down the length of my body and step away from where she's sitting on the table. "If you're really that worried, we can stop." I put on a look of mock worry.

Bella stares at me, looking rather put out that I left her sitting on the table, naked longing plastered all over her face. She takes a shaky breath.

"Funny, Jake. Real funny."

"You started it, you tease." I approach her again, but she playfully pushes me away.

"Not fair. One lip nip wasn't worth _that_ torture."

I don't give up. I reach out a hand to her and she hops off the table, putting her hand in mine. "Yes, it was, Bells. Oh, it was. You want me big time… just admit it." I smile my most charming smile at her.

She sighs. And locks her smoldering eyes with mine. "Jake," she runs her free hand down my chest. An ever present craving ripples through my body like a shiver. "Every time I think about you… I touch myself." I see a shift in her eyes and it takes me a second to process what she's said. By the time I get it, Bella's in hysterics.

I try and be mad but I can't. "Yeah, I asked for that," I tell her, trying to play off the fact that she had me going. "Good one."

We don't make it to a movie that night. Bella has a fit of inspiration—actually, I think she called it a breakthrough —about her book and didn't want to lose her momentum.

"I should thank you for this, you know."

"Me? Why?"

"I haven't felt like working on it for a while… it's been hard to conjure up the feelings I had while I was there. I feel like the words are coming off false and made up rather than based in real life experiences. Make sense?"

"Yeah. But why thank me?"

"I don't know. I guess you make me remember how happy and carefree I was in college and I guess I haven't felt that way in a while."

I think for a minute. "I think you should thank yourself, Bella. You're the one who's been making the major life decisions, not me."

I can practically hear her grin through the phone. "I hadn't thought of it like that, but I guess you're right, in a way. If it hadn't been for you I wouldn't have been able to come to this conclusion, so I still say you get part of the credit."

I huff into the phone. "Fine. I'll take a quarter of the credit and you'll take three quarters."

She laughs. "Fair. Promise you're not mad about tonight?"

"No! I mean, I'll miss spending time with you but I understand since you're working on your first bestseller."

"Ha! I don't know about that, but thanks for the vote of confidence anyway, Jake."

* * *

"When's McSerious coming back this time?" I ask Bella as we stroll through the park after work, me in my fleece and Bella in a black pea coat, scarf and gloves. And snow boots though the "snow" part is definitely missing from the equation.

"Um, Wednesday night, so tomorrow. Pretty late I think. Like, after ten."

"When does he leave again?"

"Not till after Thanksgiving, so… in like two weeks?"

I won't be upset about giving her back to him since I know she's going to move out soon. I can make it a couple of more weeks. But, since there's no telling how long Bella getting her own place could actually take, I want to make the most of the next twenty-four hours as possible.

Starting now.

"What are you doing tonight?" My tone comes off completely desperate but I just don't care.

"Whatever you're doing tonight."

"Excellent answer." I know exactly what we're doing tonight. "You up for a little walk?"

"At the risk of sounding totally cheese ball," she bats her lashes at me, "as long as I'm with you, I'm happy."

I squeeze her hand in mine. "Thanks, Bella." Yes, she might be goofing around, but her words mean more to me than she could know.

We take the subway down to Cameron Village, which is a lot closer to the apartment than the office. Even from the subway station we have a good fifteen minute walk ahead of us. The sun has officially retreated beyond the horizon and the night sky is illuminated by a very bright moon. There's not a cloud in the sky. It's beautiful because we can actually see the stars but the lack of cloud cover just makes the air that much colder.

Bella shivers beside me. "We're almost there," I tell her as I pick up my pace.

Finally, the shops and restaurants and hustle and bustle of Cameron Village come into view.

I steer us through and around the people that evidently missed the memo that Christmas is over a month away and into Mr. Friendly's. It's not a super fancy place but it's a good place to sit and visit. There's enough noise to keep conversations private without being a true sports bar. They have a great—and pretty original—menu for a place that bills themselves as a bar and also features a really extensive wine list. Yet, as casual as the spot is, they somehow manage to pull fancy into the mix with real table cloths and candles on the tables.

Bella and I are seated right in the front window, overlooking the rest of the shops. I feel exposed sitting here, as if Bella and I are flaunting our affair to the world. Because that's really what it is, isn't it?

"Want to get a bottle of wine?" Bella picks up the wine list and flips through it. "Do you have an opinion?"

"No, I trust you."

Our waiter appears with two waters and Bella orders the wine and I tag on an order of the pimento cheese and pita chips. Bella raises an eyebrow at me.

"Trust me—you'll love it. They're known for it."

"I trust you." She repeats my earlier words back to me with a wink. I reach my hand out for hers.

I start to say something but our waiter appears with the wine and does the normal show of opening the wine and pouring a taste for Bella. Bella, thank god, doesn't go into her own production of looking and swirling and smelling and sipping. She picks up her glass, takes a sip, pretends to think for one and a half seconds about the wine swirling in her mouth, swallows and nods at the waiter who proceeds to pour us rather full glasses.

Bella picks up her glass. "To trusting each other, making decisions, and following through." I raise mine to her. "Cheers." We sip.

"You picked good, Bella. I like it."

"I knew you would. It's one of my favorites."

The pimento cheese arrives and I take a pita chip and scoop some of the hot and melty cheese onto it and place it on Bella's appetizer plate. "Try it."

She puts the small chip in her mouth. "Oh, hot," she says, breathing out steam. I laugh at her as I make myself a chip.

We work through the pimento cheese and a glass of wine before we even think about ordering. Our waiter knows we're in no hurry and he doesn't pressure us into deciding.

So we don't. We take our time and drink our wine and share hopes and dreams and wishes and just enjoy each other's company and the promise of what tomorrow brings.

* * *

We stumble into my apartment, laughing the whole way, and almost tripping over each other in the process. Bella steps out of the way of the door and right into the stupid table by the door I always bump my hip on and somehow manages to fall on the floor. We only laugh louder.

A light floods the room. "What? Are you two _drunk_? It's almost one a.m.!"

Bella lets out a giggle from the floor.

"Noooo," I tell Leah, which technically isn't a lie, but the way I'm acting says otherwise. Hell, the way I feel says otherwise. "Well, maybe a little."

"God. _Grow up_," she snaps at us before flicking the light back off and going back to bed.

"I don't think she likes me very much," Bella says, totally stating the obvious. "But I think we knew that already."

"Eh, don't worry about it," I tell her. "Leah doesn't like a lot of people. I don't really know why she likes me."

Before the mood is lost on something stupid like Leah's dislike for Bella, I scoop her up, one arm under her knees and the other behind her back, and carry her back to my bedroom. Bella doesn't protest. She wraps her arms around my neck, kissing me wherever she can reach.

I set her on the bed. She turns around to face me and rises onto her knees. Our eyes are on the same level. Tentatively, she reaches a hand out and touches my chest.

One simple touch and the playfulness of the night is now gone. Vanished.

A haze of desire settles in, so thick I can almost see it floating around us.

I feebly attempt to remind myself of the boundaries I set not long ago.

I can feel the heat of her touch through my fleece. She reaches up and gives the zipper a tug, pulling it down until the jacket is open. She runs her hands back up my chest until she reaches my shoulders and then slowly slides the jacket down my arms. The further the jacket goes down my arms, the closer Bella comes to my body. Just as the jacket falls silently to the floor, she kisses me so lightly and tenderly, I break out in goose bumps. She leans away from me and unzips her own coat, hastily throwing it in the floor beside the bed.

She moves forward on the bed a little and wraps her arms around my neck. My face buries itself in her hair, inhaling her scent, strawberries and floral and spring-time mixed with Bella all in one. My arms, finally figuring out they actually work, slide up her hips and under the hem of her shirt. Bella kisses the side of my neck, right beside my ear, before kissing up my jaw line and finally finding my lips.

Her featherlight kiss from before is a distant memory when our lips meet this time.

The passion, the fire, burns like never before.

Reason slips from my mind and my feelings for Bella take over.

I pull her shirt over her head and drop it on the floor. My hands run over her back, holding her to me, before I unclasp her black lace bra and toss it aside. Immediately, my hands cup her breasts, squeezing gently. Bella arches her waist into mine. I bite back the growl in my throat as she presses against my crotch.

I don't wait for her to act; I pull my own shirt off and press us back together, skin to skin. She tilts her head back, exposing her neck and I take full advantage, my mouth tasting her the whole way down to her chest. I pull away from her just enough to place my mouth around one of her hardened nipples, using enough pressure for her to feel it. Bella moans and digs her hands into my hair.

My hands grab her ass and squeeze as my mouth busies itself with her other nipple. Her hands fly to my jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them in seconds. She pushes the jeans—and my boxers—down as far as she can before I have to half wiggle, half jump out of them.

I push Bella back onto my bed so she's lying down as she unfastens her jeans. She lifts her butt in the air and I pull her jeans down and let them fall into the floor. Her panties, however, stay right where they belong. They are black and lacy and leave nothing to the imagination.

I kiss her chest, down her stomach, and on top of the black lace. Slowly, I run a finger under the top, brushing her skin. A whimper escapes her lips.

"Jake, _please_…"

At the sound of her words, I abandon whatever sense remained in my head, not even worried about what we're about to do, wanting it more than I ever thought I could want _anything_.


	18. Winter: Fractures

**This chapter almost didn't happen today. I didn't think it was going to happen this week at all. It's going to be pedal to the metal till the semester ends... Somehow I managed to plop this onto the pages yesterday afternoon. I sent it off to **llynn20** sometime late afternoon. And guess what was in my inbox when I woke up this morning? Her beta magic! Leave her lots of thanks-she managed to fit this chapter into her night around school, squiggly spaghetti and who knows what else. She is a giant ball of amazing and I lurve her. Yall should, too. **

**Review replies are on the way! Yall are pretty super wonderful... I love how fired up people are getting about this! Yall make me question and reevaluate the plan for the next chapter week after week... you keep me on track and on plan and I love it! Candy corn and pumpkins for you all! :)  
**

* * *

**Part Two: Winter**

_Is it cold yet in New York City?_  
'_Round here the trees been blowing off red  
Everyone's talking about change on the airwaves  
I still got you on my breath_

**Chapter Seventeen: Fractures**

I slide my finger under the delicate trim of her lace underwear and slowly start to slide them down her legs. Bella's breathing speeds up again. I hesitate, waiting for her silent approval. She nods. I bend over and kiss her stomach, her chest, and finally her mouth. I pull back and look at her again.

"You're sure?" I quietly ask her, not wanting to break the spell.

She answers me with a kiss. I start kissing my way back down her body. I don't want to push her or go any further than she's willing. I am already breaking my own rule and I am fully aware of it; I don't want her breaking any unspoken rules she's made for herself. But, Bella seems to want this as much as I do, so I don't stop.

Until she suddenly sits up, pushing me away from her and sliding her knees up to her chest. Her hands bury themselves in her hair, gripping the strands tightly. She doesn't say a word. But she doesn't need to, either.

I lean back on my heels, trying to calm my mind and my body. I take a deep breath. In. Out.

"It's not that I don't want to—" My mind flashes back to another night not so long ago when I was the one speaking these words. "But I technically have a boyfriend and… I just can't." Her arms wrap themselves around her knees, holding them to her chest. She finally looks at me, eyes pleading for understanding.

I nod and reach for her. She scoots backwards on the bed, towards the pillows, away from me.

"What's wrong?"

She shakes her head and her eyes slowly meet mine again.

I am shocked at what I see in them.

"I'm not going to force you, Bella."

She doesn't say anything at first. Then, finally, a small and barely audible, "I know."

But I don't think she does. She might be sitting on my bed, balled into as tight a knot as possible, but her mind is definitely somewhere else.

I ease off the bed, slide on my boxers, and grab a clean t-shirt out of my laundry basket. I hold it out to her but she doesn't move. "Come on, Bells, let's get this on you." I think that if I can get another layer between her body and mine, she might feel a little… less exposed. She finally takes the shirt from me and slips it on before leaning against my headboard. I can tell she's still not here with me.

I don't know what to do to bring her back. So I take a huge risk.

"I'm not him, you know."

That gets her attention. "I know. If you were anything like him, do you think I'd be here?" Her words might be quiet, but the malice in them is unmistakable.

"What's going on with you two, Bells?"

"Nothing," she spits out.

"I'm calling bull on that."

"Fine. Believe what you want."

"So you're just… not going to tell me?"

"It's not your business."

"It IS my business!" I have to fight to keep my voice calm. "Bella, I care about you—I care about you a whole lot—but how can I help make anything better if you won't tell me _what's wrong_?"

"You would never understand."

"How can you say that if you don't give me a chance to?" We're doing nothing but talking each other in circles. But I know I'm right so I'm not backing down.

"Just drop it, Jacob. Please."

"I don't want to," I tell her, sounding much more petulant than I mean to. "I'm worried about you Bella. Sometimes you seem to just… disappear… and I don't know what to do to bring you back to me." I reach my hand out to her again, like I'm trying to pull her back to reality, and she surprises me by taking it in hers.

"Just keep being you. That's all you _can_ do." Sadness settles over her like an itchy, wool blanket.

"I want to do more than that."

Her tears start to fall, big and heavy, leaving stains on the shirt she's wearing. "Trust me, you are."

I pull her into my arms and she doesn't resist. Her tears keep falling—I can feel them on my bare chest and taste their ghosts on my tongue—but eventually they stop.

"Do you want me to walk you home?"

"No, I'd rather be anywhere but there. Can I stay? Just for tonight. I know you have to work tomorrow."

I am going to hate morning when it comes knocking in about five hours. "I'm not worried about work tomorrow." I lay down and Bella folds easily into me. I can feel the tension slowly leave her body as she falls asleep.

But I'm not so lucky. My mind won't stop. It flits from worry to worry, barely latching on to one thing before moving onto the next.

Maybe the truth has been staring me in the face the whole time and I've been blinded by Bella and have ignored it.

Sam tried to tell me: _Do you think he could be abusive?_

I had denied it then, but can I now? Bella might not outwardly show bruises but if I could see into her, I bet she would be black and blue all over. Those kinds of bruises don't heal easily. And they are the hardest to recognize.

If Edward really is a lot… nastier… than I originally thought, how _can_ I walk away from Bella? Or, like a double edged sword, will my sticking around only make it worse?

And Leah's made it perfectly clear how she feels about the whole situation. From her perspective, Bella is going to take a bite of me, chew me up, and spit me out with total disregard for nothing but herself.

Can I really trust this huge decision Bella's making? Can I really trust that she's serious about it?

_She's either bored with him, tired of him, or doesn't know how to get rid of him…_

More of Sam's words come floating back into my exhausted mind. I know somewhere deep down it isn't that simple but the fact that Bella's still with Edward _makes_ it that simple.

The more I think, the more I come to one conclusion. One solution.

"I think we should cool it until after you move out." The words sound so different when said out loud. In my head they didn't sound as cold.

I nudge Bella. "Bella, wake up." She stirs against me.

"Hmmm?"

"Are you awake enough to talk?"

"Mmm hum…" I don't know if she's really awake or just faking it.

"I think we should… take a break until after you move out." Saying it a second time doesn't make it any easier.

"Jake—" She starts to protest, but the conviction in my tone stops her.

"No, Bella, I mean it. You need to make this decision entirely for you. It needs to have _nothing_ to do with me. I'm not trying to be mean."

"I _am_ making it for me."

"Are you, Bella? Or are you just _saying_ you've decided to move out?" I feel her stiffen beside me. I rub my hand in circles over her back, trying to calm her down. "If you do this, it needs to be all you, honey. I can't be a deciding factor."

"You already are."

"I know and I don't like that. If you and I had never met, would you still be with him?"

She doesn't answer.

"See? You need to decide this is the right thing for _you_ to break up with Edward. Because I don't want you to look back and hate yourself for doing things for the wrong reasons. Or question your motives."

Bella sighs. I can tell she's thinking.

"Okay."

"Okay you understand what I'm saying? Or okay you agree to what I'm saying?"

"Both, I think. I understand what you're saying and I agree but I can't go back and change my mind now because no matter what you are a big part of this decision. Maybe if I hadn't gotten to you know in _this_ way it might have taken longer to make, but even if you and I were really nothing more than friends I think I would have come to the same conclusion, just not this quick. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, and this might be a little forward so I'm going to offer a preemptive apology, but, Bella, I don't want you to look back and be able to blame me for making you make the wrong or a bad decision. You need to know _you_ are the one in charge—not this _thing_ between us or how much you and I might _want_ each other."

"Are you saying you're sticking around for the long haul?" I can hear the smile that's playing at the corner of her lips, even if her back is still to me.

"I'm not saying anything. You could decide you don't want me in a few weeks or we could realize we're just too different or… who knows what. I just want you to be certain of your decision and know you made it for the right reasons." I kiss her shoulder. "But I'll be here when you decide what you want."

* * *

Morning comes quickly and loudly. I smack my alarm clock so fast I knock it on the floor where it stares at me, still flashing and beeping. If it could, it would be laughing. I lean most of the way out of the bed and grab the clock and turn the alarm off. I scoot back into bed.

Bella doesn't stir. She's on her stomach, arms under a pillow, fast asleep. I kiss her gently, get out of bed, and head for the shower.

She's awake when I come back into my bedroom.

Awake, fully dressed, and sitting on the edge of my bed like she's ready to bolt.

"Are you leaving?"

"I think I should, don't you? I mean, you've got to get to work."

"Can I at least walk you home?"

"Kind of defeats the purpose of the walk of shame."

"I'm not ashamed. I'm proud to walk you home, even if your hair is messy and your eyes are smudgy." I kiss the top of her head.

"Thanks, Jake." She offers me a weak smile. "Did you mean what you said last night?"

"We said a lot Bella, so which part of what I said?"

"The part about us being apart until I move out."

I sit on the bed beside her. "Yeah, I meant it Bella. You understand why I think this is good, don't you?"

"You want me to make a decision without you being a part of it." I nod. "But, I can't do that Jake. You're too closely entwined in my life for me to make any kind of decision without you being a part of it. Do you understand that?"

"Yeah. I guess I do. But—"

"I know what you're going to 'but, Bella' me on, Jake, and I'm telling you—this is the right thing for me to do."

I bite my tongue. But I can't hold it in. "Then why didn't you do it before we met?"

When she speaks, her words are very deliberate. "Sometimes, it takes something—or someone—to show you what's wrong with a situation before you know yourself. And no matter how many times someone else tells you it's 'off' or 'wrong' or 'not right,' you won't see it until you're ready." Her eyes meet mine. "I wasn't ready before but I am now." She kisses me, slow and sweet and with a touch of goodbye. "And, yes, you can walk me home."

* * *

I think one thing over and over again all day: this is going to suck. It already sucks.

I will stand by my decision to be away from Bella till I'm blue in the face but it doesn't make it suck any less. And if she changes her mind and stays with McSerious then I will be horribly disappointed but I will have to accept it. Because it is her choice.

But what if she makes the _wrong_ choice?

* * *

Three and a half weeks pass without a word exchanged between Bella and me. I don't text her, I certainly don't call her, and I don't go out of my way to try and run into her.

I leave her alone because when she's acted upon her decision, she'll let me know.

But I allow myself to miss her. That, I think, is okay. And miss her I do.

Leah gathers by process of elimination that I am "on the outs" (her words, not mine) with Bella. I think she's secretly happy to have my "undivided attention" (my words, not hers) once more though she would never admit it.

"I'm so glad you're over being a stupid fool," she says one morning as I groggily make a cup of coffee.

And Leah and I do seem to go back to normal—well, normal for me and Leah, that is. She's still in charge and keeping me in line but it works for us. So I let it.

But my mind never is far from Bella no matter how much Leah thinks I'm over her. The more time that passes, the more worried I get that Bella has made a decision and her silence is her way of telling me. I don't mean to but I start looking for her in crowds, on the subway, in the park, anywhere she could be. I don't know what I would do if I actually saw her somewhere. Speak politely? Ignore her? Tell her I was wrong? Pull her away from prying eyes and… my mind wanders down a path it probably shouldn't.

* * *

The decision is made to finally make up the broken date with Quil and Claire. The four of us —Quil and Claire and Leah and I—meet up for dinner beforehand just to catch up some. And figure out which movie to see.

"I vote for action. Lots of action. _Put Em Up_ is supposed to be good."

Claire narrows her eyes at Quil. "You and Jake go see that some other time. _We_—" she points back and forth between her and Leah, "—want to see _One Night Stand_."

"If that's the movie about the shem who tries to get some guy to go home with him, I mean her—"

"Quil, that's a song not a movie." I tell him.

"Whatever! Same principal!"

"I don't think so, dude."

"Take my side for once, man. It's us… against them. And what song are you talking about, anyway?"

I sing him a few bars. "Lola… L-O-L-A… Lola… Lo, lo, lo, lo Lola… she's walked like a woman but talked like a man?"

"And how does that have _anything_ to do with the holiday spirit, Quil? And where do you get 'Lola' from _One Night Stand_? You are so out there." Leah turns to Claire. "Bless you for being with him." Claire laughs. "I think the point, _Quil_, is that Claire and I would like to see something that fosters the spirit of giving and the feeling of joy that only Christmas can bring."

I laugh. Really hard. But somehow manage to keep my drink from spewing from my nostrils onto the table.

"HAH! Like you would know anything about Christmas spirit, Leah. You could be the poster child for the anti-Christmas."

"Quil…" I warn. Leah might be a grump most of the time, but she's no Scrooge. She always puts up our tree and holiday music has been on in the house since Thanksgiving.

"Fine," Quil says, totally exasperated. "We'll go see your stupid girly movie. But we don't have to like it."

"I bet you love it," Claire says, kissing him on the cheek. Leah looks at them triumphant that she won. I'm just glad the debate only lasted this long.

After the girls bundle up in their coats, scarves, and gloves, we walk across the street to get in line for the movie, which, of course, is long.

"Ohmygoah, it's cold!" Leah snuggles up to me and I wrap my arm around her. I can hear her teeth chattering even though she is bundled up to the max. "How are you not freezing?"

"Hey, now. For me, wearing a real coat is saying something." I only retired the fleece for the season last week. _Bella still has my other fleece_, I can't help but think. As if my heart reminded me, I do a quick scan of the crowd, checking for Bella.

I do a double take.

Brown hair. Hat with a pom pom on top.

I swallow a lump in my throat.

It could be anyone. Lots of people have brown hair and hats with puffy balls on top.

Before I can turn away, a man approaches her. He has some kind of fancy winter hat on that I would never be caught in. He takes it off to reveal his reddish hair.

Edward.

I mentally hiss his name.

The girl turns to face him as he approaches. Before I see her face, I know.

He slides his arm around her waist and whispers in her ear.

The color drains from Bella's already pale face. She is so white she could be lost in the snow it's finally cold enough for. I have no idea what he's saying to her, but it can't be good based off the way she's reacting. She turns her head away from Edward, not smiling. He shakes her a little and she looks back. He kisses her. She doesn't kiss him back. When he's done, she turns away again. He never takes his hands off of her the whole time they are in line.

I keep watching until they get their tickets and go inside. I have no idea what movie they are going to see.

"Did you see it, Jake?"

"What?" I have no idea what Quil's talking about but I doubt that it's Bella and Edward.

"The video about the leprechaun. I forwarded it to you."

"No, I didn't see it. Must have gone to junk mail. I'll be right back, okay?" I hand Leah a ten. "Get my ticket? I'll meet you inside."

They all look at me like I'm borderline losing it. I practically run into the theatre lobby, eyes scanning for Bella. She's walking behind Edward; rather, it looks like Edward is pulling Bella through the lobby. She pulls her hand out of his and says something to him. He takes a quick step to her, grabs her hand again, and pulls her away.

I stand there, frozen. What's going on? Bella is obviously still with Edward and something is very clearly very wrong.

* * *

By the time we get into the theatre, which is the old fashioned, non-stadium seats type, the only seats left are on the back row. I file in behind Leah, who follows Quil and Claire. They chat and laugh and I sit there, brooding. The movie starts and I don't even hear it, I'm so lost in thought.

Why is she still with him? Was her promise empty? Is this her decision? And why was Edward so angry with her? The more I think, the madder I get.

Half way through the movie, a figure comes up the aisle beside me. Something about the person's walk catches my attention.

_Bella._

I shoot up and press my way in front of the few people blocking me from the aisle. They all grumble as I pass. When I leave the theatre, blinded momentarily by the bright lights of the deserted lobby, I spot Bella entering the bathroom. I follow quickly behind her.

I hear the lock on her stall slide into place as I enter the bathroom. I check the door for a lock and slide it into place. When she comes out of the stall and sees me leaning against the bathroom door, she nearly screams.

"Shhh, Bella, it's okay! It's just me!" I approach her, reach for her. I want to hold her tight and ask her why and kiss her all at the same time.

"Jake, you scared me near to death!" She's having a hard time catching her breath. "You shouldn't be here." She brushes by me. "What are you doing in here?"

No matter how mad I was with her before, the feelings leave me as soon as I see Bella up close. She looks exhausted. Dark circles ring her eyes and I can tell she's lost weight.

"I should be wherever you are, and that just happens to be the women's bathroom at the Camelot Theatre. Tomorrow it might be someplace different. But right now, it's here."

"In the bathroom."

"In the smelly, dirty movie bathroom." I've managed to somehow pin her against the counter. "And this smelly, dirty bathroom feels like paradise to me." She's squirming a lot, trying to get out from in front of me. She starts to breathe really fast when I don't release her right away. But, release her I do. She starts for the door, gasping for breath. Quicker than I could snap my fingers, the mood in the bathroom changed.

"Are you okay?" I place my hand on her shoulder and she jumps. When she turns around, she's close to tears.

"Bella?" I ask her. She looks like she's far away, some place I can't get to. Waving my hand in front of her face, I call her name again. This time, she reacts. Her expression is sad, so void of anything that could even resemble a smile, I wonder if she's forgotten how. "You okay?"

She looks up at me, eyes back in the present, but still very distant. "Yeah," she says, not convincingly. "I'm fine." Then more firmly, "I'm fine." Like she's trying to convince herself it's true. "You shouldn't be here." She turns her back to me, unlocks the door with trembling fingers, and flees the bathroom.


	19. Winter: Cracks

**I don't think yall will ever understand the wonder that is my beta, llynn20. I sent this to her at 5:15 today. She had it back at 6:58. I told her how amazing and wonderful she was and her words? "You can't keep the fans waiting!" I think if we were in the same place I would make myself a quasi-permanent fixture on her sofa and she would have to kick me out of her house on a pretty regular basis. She has become an a very dear friend and I am so lucky-and thankful-to have randomly decided to name myself after a Hootie and the Blowfish song about trees. :) Heart you, sis. I'm tracking you down one of those tree pictures we found on Esty while I'm in Australia, okay?  
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**This took a really long time to come out of my head. Difficult subject matter, maybe? Ch 20 will be the same way and I will do my best to have it up next Friday. I'd rather take two weeks and make it really, really great instead of rushing it and making it just okay.  
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**Happy Friday, everyone! Thanks for being patient with me on posting this today! :)  
**

**

* * *

Part Two: Winter**

_Is it cold yet in New York City?_  
'_Round here the trees been blowing off red  
Everyone's talking about change on the airwaves  
I still got you on my breath_

**Chapter Eighteen: Cracks**

She leaves me standing there, shocked into silence and immobility, arms reaching out like I could catch her and bring her back to me. I wait, still hopeful that Bella will reappear in the doorway, with a quiet "I'm sorry," which, of course, would lead to my instant forgiveness.

The door keeps slowly closing on its hydraulic hinges. The gentle _thump_ of the door settling into its frame effectively washes all of my hope away.

She's not coming back.

I think about chasing after her but as soon as I have the thought, I abandon it. What can I do in the middle of a crowded movie lobby with Edward somewhere nearby? I shake my head. That would only make the situation worse.

Or am I making the situation worse by _not_ acting?

I don't realize I'm pacing until the subtle shift in air pressure, caused by the door being pulled open, breaks me from my thoughts. I whip around, still hopeful that Bella will walk through the door.

But it's not Bella.

A white haired woman that could be my grandmother comes creeping into the bathroom, eyes locked on the floor. I freeze, wishing I could melt into the wall. The lady's eyes find my shoes and slowly travel up my legs and torso like she's unsure what she's going to find sitting on top of my shoulders. I clear my throat and her eyes snap up my mine.

"Oh, mercy. I'm going blind, walking into the men's bathroom." She starts to turn around to leave.

"No, I'm pretty sure I'm in the wrong place. You found the right bathroom." But I can't get out because the lady's stopped right in the middle of the walkway, blocking the door.

She shrugs. "I've seen crazier things; don't you worry son. Your secret is safe with me." She winks at me and starts moving toward the stalls. As soon as there's enough room for me to get by, I fly out of the bathroom like I have wings on my shoes.

I slink back into the theatre, climbing back over the people in between me and my seat.

"Where have you been?" Leah whispers to me.

"Bathroom," I answer, which technically isn't a lie.

When the movie finally ends, I can't help but look for Bella is the rush of people leaving the theatre. I don't see her. For the best? I don't really know.

Claire and Leah chat animatedly as we start the walk home. I don't pay a bit of attention to what they're saying. Quil and I walk along in uncomfortable silence. He tries to start a couple of conversations, but I don't give him anything to work with.

I'm brooding.

"Listen, man. I know something's not right with you tonight."

"Yeah, _ooo_kay," I respond. "If I told you, you'd tell Claire, who would have Leah on the phone before you even finished telling her what's going on. Then, Claire would call Emily and Emily would tell Sam who then tells me. And a whole conversation has been had about my business all week and I didn't even know. I don't really feel like activating the phone tree, but thanks for the offer."

"I'm not going to be offended by that, Jake. I can't help it if Claire has these _magical abilities_ that make me tell her everything."

"I'm leaving that alone."

"Good. I don't want to have to beat you up for having dirty thoughts about my woman." He takes a play swing at me and, instead of deflecting his throw, I allow him to whack me in the shoulder. "Oh, God. Does that mean you're having dirty thoughts about Claire?"

"What? Jake's having dirty Claire thoughts?" Leah picks the perfect time to jump into our conversation. Claire looks at me with huge, open eyes.

"No, you idiots. No dirty thoughts in my mind at all. None."

"I really didn't want to have to beat you down," Quil adds, feigning seriousness.

"Oh, boo. I was hoping to see that," Leah pouts.

Claire playfully slaps Leah's arm. "Violence is not the answer! Violence is not the answer!" Claire chants like she's at a peace rally.

And I can't help but laugh. "You guys —" I point to them, "—are a mess."

"Yeah, but if we can make you smile, then we're a good mess," Claire says, quickly hugging me before taking Quil's arm. "I'll call you, Lee."

Leah nudges me in the side and I know she's up to something. When Quil and Claire are about half a block from us, she shouts, "Quil! What if I have dirrrrty thoughts about Claire? Does that mean you'll beat me, too? Oh, you bad boy!"

Claire laughs. Quil acts like he doesn't know us.

I start walking. I don't find any part of Leah's humor humorous.

"Funny, har har har!" I hear Quil call in our direction, but I don't look back.

Leah catches up with me quickly when she realizes I'm not there to laugh with her. "What's wrong with you, Jake?"

"That really wasn't that funny, Lee."

"What? Are you embarrassed because I yelled something kinda sexual down the block? Cause you and I both know that was tame compared to what I could have said."

"No. I've learned to live with you embarrassing me."

"Then laugh already!" I don't. "Really, Jake? Not even a tiny laugh? What crawled up _your_ ass and died?"

"Nothing, Leah."

"Where did you go in the middle of the movie?"

"I told you—to the bathroom."

"What happened in the bathroom? And don't tell me nothing because _something_ did. I haven't seen you this down since…" Comprehension dawns on her face. "This is about Bella, isn't it?"

"Leave it alone, Leah." I walk a little faster.

Leah does too. "Yeah, not happening. Just tell me."

"No."

"But it is about Bella, right?"

I ignore her.

"Oh, it is! I knew it. Come on, Jake. We used to tell each other everything."

I halt so fast Leah almost falls down trying to catch herself mid step. "Yeah, _used to_ being the key words. So here's the deal: _I don't want to tell you_. Because I don't want to hear all the crap you'll give me when I _do_ tell you. And you don't want to know because you're actually concerned or because you care, you only want to know so you'll have a way to beat me up about it. And, trust me, Leah. I do _not_ need to feel any worse about this than I already do."

Thankfully, Leah leaves me alone. She walks a good twenty paces behind me the rest of the way home. Her feelings are hurt, I'm sure, but I can't bring myself to be upset about it.

I have other things on my mind.

Like finally facing the facts about Bella.

By the time we get home, Leah is walking beside me again, silent and visibly upset. I unlock the door and throw my keys on the table.

"Jake, I don't know what upset you—well, other than me—but I'm sorry."

I don't turn around or acknowledge her apology. I go into my bedroom and shut the door behind me, not bothering to turn on the light, glad for the barrier between me and the world.

Too bad I can't have one in my mind to keep my troubled thoughts away.

* * *

I'm flirting with sleep when something wakes me up. I listen for it again but when I don't hear it, I try to go back to sleep. As soon as my eyes start to close, it sounds again.

Someone is knocking at my door and there's only one someone that could be.

I don't say anything.

Unfortunately, that doesn't stop her.

"Jake? Are you awake?" Leah sticks her head around the door into my room.

"No," I grumble.

She must have heard yes because next thing I know, she's scooting me over so she will have room to sit on my bed.

"Do I need to worry about you?"

I shake my head. I don't know if she can see it in the dark.

"I'm a good worrier, you know."

"I know."

"Why don't you tell me what happened tonight?"

Part of me wants to lash out irrationally for even asking again. I told her to mind her own business. I shouldn't be surprised that she didn't.

I look at her. Instead of her usual haughtiness, she actually looks and truly worried.

"Because I don't have anything to tell."

She snorts. "If that were true, you wouldn't be as grumpy as you are. I can't make you tell me what's going on, Jake, but I meant it earlier… you can tell me anything and I promise not to judge or go off on you. No matter how much I want to. And I won't tell Claire." The last two sentences sound painful for her to say and that's how I know she's sincere.

I don't know what possess me to confide in Leah, but something does. Maybe it's the blackness of the room that hides my embarrassment and anger and frustration and disappointment. Maybe I'm just tired of holding it in.

"She told me she was going to leave him."

That, of all things, is the main concern bouncing in my mind that I can't get past. I just don't understand why she's still with him.

"Oh, shit." Leah's words are nothing more than a sharp exhale. "Do you believe her?"

"Thanks for not asking _why_ I believed her. 'Cause I don't know the answer to that question."

"I'm guessing she hasn't done it?"

"No. She was with him at the movie tonight."

"That's what was in the bathroom."

"Yeah, that's what was in the bathroom."

"I don't really know what to say, Jake."

"I know. I don't know what to say either. I can moan and bitch and complain about it all night and nothing will change. And then I can't help but hear you in my head going, 'I told you so' over and over."

Leah lies down on the bed beside me. We lay there, on our backs, side by side, shoulders, arms and legs touching, staring up at the ceiling. Weak moonlight is trying to push its way into my room through the blinds, but the shut blinds are keeping it out.

"There's more, isn't there?" Leah's words are quiet. She's not prying; she's trying to give me an outlet for the rest of my thoughts.

I don't know if I _can_ tell her anything else. If I keep my fears in my head, they are less real. But the minute they're spoken aloud? It's like willing them to come true. But keeping everything locked in my head does nothing but allow each new fear to build and grow and multiply a thousand times over. So I keep on lying there, silent, watching the moonbeams fight with the blinds. Leah slides her hand into mine, intertwining our fingers into a knot. She squeezes my hand in silent support. A few minutes later, she climbs off my bed and leaves me to my thoughts.

My room feels empty as soon as she leaves.

I feel empty, too.

I roll over onto my side, watching the door, waiting for it to open. But I'm not sure who I expect to come walking through.

Leah? I think she's been plenty understanding of a situation she has very little tolerance for. Her support is comforting, but is that really who I'd want in my bedroom late night?

No. I can't have the person I really want because she is at home with her boyfriend. I growl in frustration and roll back onto my back to ponder the plaster on the ceiling some more.

I was scared for Bella tonight. The way she acted was nothing like how the Bella I know would have acted. My Bella would have taken advantage of the stolen moments in the bathroom. This Bella was frightened and hollow; barely a shell of my Bella. Maybe I was the one making bad decisions all along by leaving her alone? She said she was ready to leave Edward and I believed her when she said it. But I forced her to decide alone, apart from me and my influence.

What if I did nothing but push her back into his clutches?

I deserted her when she needed me most.

And I failed her as the friend I promised her I would be. Because I put my selfish wants in front of her best interests.

I'm such an idiot.

I almost get up _right then_ to call Bella and apologize and try to reason with her about remaining with Edward. I'm smart enough to know that a late night phone call will only make the situation worse.

So I wait until morning to call her. I hear her phone ring in my ear four times before going to voicemail. I'm guessing she actually missed my call since it rang all the way to voicemail. I hang up. If she's deleting my text messages—possibly out of fear that McSerious could read them—I don't want to leave a message he could actually hear. I wait two hours and call her back. After two rings, I hear her familiar recorded message. Four hours later, I try again. One ring. Voicemail. This, I think, was a deliberate ignoring of my call. An hour later, I try one final time. One ring. Two.

I hear her pick up.

"Bella?"

Silence on her end.

"Bella, are you there?" I fail at keeping the desperation from my voice.

Shuffling. A heavy sigh.

"Bella, I was wrong, I'm sorry—"

"Leave me alone, Jake."

She hangs up.

I pull my phone away from my ear and stare at it. But glaring at the phone won't make her voice reappear.

* * *

Worry consumes my mind. I pace. I worry. I pace some more. I decimate my fingernails. Evidently, I huff and puff, too.

"If you're not careful, you'll blow the house down."

Leah, if nothing else, is accurate. I can't help but laugh.

"Why don't you get out of here? You act like you're in prison."

"I feel like I'm in prison."

"Well, no one put you there but you. Go. You haven't been running in days."

My legs ache and beg for the pain a long run the freezing air. I smile for the first time in days.

The white-grey clouds that hang over the city are bound to drop some snow but I don't know when. They are full and look like they could pop at any minute. I hope it's later rather than sooner; I'd rather not be caught in the downpour.

The park is thankfully deserted. The few people that are out and about stare at me as if I've lost my mind. Which is understandable since I have on gym shorts and a fleece. I just get too hot to keep my legs wrapped up in pants. Today's musical selection matches the dreariness of the day and the low-hanging clouds. Violins and drums start to build a sound that is accentuated with electric guitars and searing vocals. I love this album. What a classically great combination—the hardness of Metallica paired with the sweeping sounds of the San Francisco orchestra. I wind and weave down the path, drawing closer to the lake, as the music calms me and revs me up at the same time. It's an odd sensation.

When I hit the straight path around the lake, I open up. Instead of making one lap around and then stretching out, I just keep running. My legs scream. My feet beg for mercy. But I don't stop. I keep moving forward. I run until I can't take another step and I start to feel a little dizzy. When I finally stop, my knees buckle and I reach out to catch myself on the closest tree. I hang onto the tree, allowing it to keep me upright, raking breaths into my exhausted lungs. My body might be yelling at me now, but it will thank me later.

My breathing starts to slow to a more normal speed. I start walking back up the path. The sun's starting to set and the park is even more deserted than before. I'm so lost in my mind I almost don't see her. I guess I should be thankful that she only saw me when she did.

Up the path a figure is approaching. Her shoulders slump towards the ground like she's carrying more than her share of the world's burdens. Her head watches her feet, shuffling one in front of the other. A book dangles in her hand. Something makes her look up and when she sees me, she halts. Her hands, out of panic I think, reach for her hair, for some reason. Her book falls to the ground, unnoticed. She makes an about face and starts away from me.

"Bella!" I call after her, hoping she'll stop. She doesn't. I race up the path, pick up her forgotten book, and keep chasing her. She isn't running, but she's definitely no longer taking a leisurely stroll through the park. I catch up with her quickly.

"Bella, why'd you run? It's just me."

"You're never just you." She tries to give me a very weak smile. It looks more like a grimace.

"But why'd you run from me?"

She shrugs. "Seemed like a good idea at the time. I should go." She reaches out and takes her book from my hand. "See you."

I reach for her, gently taking hold of her left wrist with my hand. "Bella, wait."

She gasps and her right hand drops the book, again. I release her.

"Are you okay?" She's holding her wrist to her chest like she's a broken bird. "What's wrong? Let me see." I step towards her and she doesn't back away. Slowly, and very gently, I pull the sleeve of her jacket over her wrist. There's no denying she has hurt it; it is swollen and bruised. My eyes focus. "My god, Bella. What happened?"

"Nothing," she mutters, making a feeble attempt to pull her arm away.

"Bella, are those _fingers_?" I don't know any other way to describe what her bruise looks like. I can see the shape of someone's hand, each finger a different shade of blue or purple, wrapped around her swollen wrist.

Something breaks inside me.

Rage, like a blinding red light, blinds me.

"I'm going to kill him."

My words seem to bring her back to life and she succeeds in pulling away from me this time.

"No, Jake, leave it alone. Just leave it alone." She grabs her book off the ground and leaves me standing there, fuming.

"Bella, I can't just let you go back to him, knowing this. You can't go back there."

She whirls around to face me, tears already spilling out of her eyes. "Where else am I supposed to go? Your place?"

"If you need to, then yes. But don't go back to him, Bells. Please." I realize I'm begging. And then I realize I don't care. Her face, which was trying to stay a mask of calm, twists into a grimace so rough, so full of feeling, my heart breaks a little more. I take a step towards her and she takes three steps back. She's trying to hold in the sobs that are starting to rattle her body. One breaks from her confines and she gulps in air before releasing it in little sputtering hiccups.

How do you help someone who doesn't want your help? Who can I bring into this that won't judge Bella for staying or make the situation worse for her?

_How do I fix this?_

I'm not sure if I can.

And that realization hurts more than anything else.


	20. Winter: Shreds

**I'm alive! I was a little worried for a bit, but I've managed to eliminate SOME of the stress and finally crank out the rest of chapter 20. I could not have done this without **llynn20**-she helped pull me out of the "I haven't written a word in three months" pit. She gets lots of hugs and kisses and love. And TOTAL credit for Bella's one liner I obsessed over for a week and creating the end to the end that I couldn't seem to find. Part Three (Spring) awaits! **

**I am so, so sorry I poofed for such a long time. I was finishing my semester (which involved another 80 page paper... remember the one from the summer? Yeah, same professor,) which was insane and then my younger sister got married over New Years so I had lots and lots to do with getting her married off, I've been living in the gym (I've lost 16 pounds!) and on top of all that, I am kinda moving to Australia for six months. So to say I had (and still have) a lot going on is an understatement. Thank you for sticking with me and not giving up on AIH! I will do the very best I can to keep chapters coming while I am in Australia, but I am taking three writing classes so I don't want to make a bunch of promises I will go back on. I will do my VERY best. I have a beta and a superfan (**skywlkrgrl**) who won't let me quit. A couple who have checked to make sure I'm okay (**dorme99** and **mikkaa**) and every alert or review I get makes me horribly guilty for being a bad updater but so excited that people are still reading! These kinds of things keep me writing!  
**

**Also, AIH has been nominated for a Hidden Gem award through the Twinklings Walk of Fame Awards! And, someone must like how I write because I was nominated for a Rising Starlet award on the same site! I was SHOCKED to say the least when I got the notification of the nominations. I have no idea who submitted the story and my name, so if you did, I'd love to thank you properly! I don't know when voting will start, but I will let you know.**

**If you want to follow my adventures down under, my personal blog is annasanborn (dot) wordpress (dot) com. I have already started stressing and obsessing and worrying about all kinds of stuff. I'll post pictures and stories and all kinda of jazz the whole time I'm gone. I'd love for you to stop by!**

**Thanks again, yall, for sticking with me! I am lucky to have readers like you. :)  
**

* * *

**Part Two: Winter**

_Is it cold yet in New York City?_  
'_Round here the trees been blowing off red  
Everyone's talking about change on the airwaves  
I still got you on my breath_

**Chapter Twenty: Shreds**

"Why don't you leave him, Bella?" I'm certain I sound like a broken record. How many hundreds of times had I repeated this question to myself? How many times had I said it out loud? Why was it so hard for her to listen to reason?

"I can't, Jake," she tells me,her chocolate eyes wide, brimmed with newly-formed tears.

I gather her to me, enveloping her with my arms. "You've been saying that for weeks, Bells. And I _try_ to understand, I do, but after a certain point, I can't help you anymore. I'm not sure you even _want_ help." I can feel her small frame shivering despite her thick winter coat. The snow that's threatened all morning has started to fall. I rub my hands across her back trying to warm her, though I'm not sure if she's shaking from the cold or the situation.

"Don't do that, you only make me feel worse." She turns her head away from me, but she remains in the safety of my arms. Eventually, she nestles into my chest. I rub her back, careful not to put too much pressure on her arm.

She looks up at me, blinking, pushing big tears from her long lashes onto flushed cheeks. I wipe one away with my thumb, kissing the top of her head once the tear is gone. "Edward's the only one who hasn't left me."

"I haven't left you, Bells." I kiss her pale lips softly, shocked that she feels that _he _is her only option. "I won't leave you. No matter how much you push me away, I'll be right here."

She weaves her hands into my hair, guiding my face towards hers, not worrying about the fragility of our situation. I think briefly about her swollen wrist but before I can protest, Bella has pulled me into the most intense kiss I've ever been a part of.

She kisses me like it's the last time she ever will.I recognize the desperation immediately, deciding that I can make one last ditch effort physically. Words have failed me thus far. It was time for action.

She kisses me like she can't get enough of me; every time our lips touch I feel like she's trying to drink me in, keep part of me inside her. Her fingers hold tightly to my hair and won't let me go. My hands flatten against her body, trying to find the best way to hold her that keeps her as close to me as possible, and she returns my embrace with as much fervor. Neither one of us want to move from this spot.

The intensity of our kiss has left me gasping for air, suffocating on the very thing I can't get enough of. She is struggling as well, so I run my fingers down the side of her cheeks and kiss her much more gently. I want to have a memory of this girl, _this_ kiss, but not necessarily this conversation.

Because, deep down, no matter how much I wish I could deny it, this could end any day and the momentum would be such that we wouldn't be able to stop it.

But not in _this second_. I kiss her red lips once more before kissing along her jaw line, away from her mouth, before giving her ear a playful nip.

"Jake…" Her hands gather fistfuls of my t-shirt and I can feel her fingers scrape against my back, one hand with more pressure than the other. She barely breathes my name but I can already hear the goodbye that follows her hopeless whisper.

She breaks the kiss long before I'm ready.

I tip her chin up so she's looking at me, trying to stop the goodbye before it can be said. "I will wait for you, Bella. I'm not going anywhere." Her tears start to pool again, but before they can escape, I kiss her. Gently, like we're both made of glass that could shatter at any moment from the pressure of our lips on each other's.

"I can't ask that of you."

"You're not. I'm offering. You just have to accept it."

"I can't accept it, Jake. It's just not that easy."

I don't say anything. What can I say that I haven't already said? That she should leave him? That I want her to? That I'm too scared that I'll lose her to ask? I could say all those things, I have said all those things, and nothing's changed. So why am I still here? Still waiting? Why did I just promise to wait when I'm so impatient for her to choose me already!

"I don't understand what's _not_ easy about it." I don't mean to, but some anger and resentment creep into my voice.

She pulls away from me. "In case you didn't notice, I _live_ with him, Jake; that's problem number one. He's seen me through the darkest parts of my life and brought me out on the other side, unscathed, and I owe him for that —"

"You owe him nothing! He hurt you, Bella!"

She ignores me and plows ahead. "—and for being there when I didn't have anything else."

"What about Alice? Huh? I bet if you would have reached out to her, she would have been there for you, too."

"Maybe, but I didn't. I can't change that now." She shrugs her shoulders, easily dismissing my mention of Alice, like she's nothing.

"No, you can't change the mistakes you've made in the past, but you can certainly change the ones you're making now. Let Alice—let me—help you."

"There's nothing to help—"

"Don't tell me you don't need help Bella." I reach out for her arm and push her jacket sleeve up. "These marks don't just appear on their own." Desperately trying not to, I imagine the scene anyway, how he had her gripped so tightly that it made a mark such as this. I become enraged. "Whose fingers are these, Bella? Huh?" And then a second bomb explodes in my mind with a whole different scene. "This isn't the first time he's done this to you is it?"

She jerks her arm from my hold. "God, Jake! He's not an animal!"

"But you're not denying it?"

Her silence is acceptance.

"You've got to be kidding me!" I throw my arms up in the air. "Oh no, _Edward_'s not an 'animal' but he can treat _you_ like one? And you _choose_ to _stay_ with him? Bella, this is so fucked up."

"And you have room to talk? You—who knowingly got involved with someone who wasn't available? And now you're mad because you can't have them how you wanted?"

"That's not what this is about, Bella, so don't change the subject. This is about Edward. And the way he treats—" I force myself to say it, if only to make it finally real, "—_abuses_ you. That's what this is about. So don't tell me that you _can't_ leave him or some bogus bullshit because you _can_, you just choose to stay with him. And for what? Because you feel like you _owe_ him something? No way, Bella. You can do better than that. Try again."

She stares at me with her arms crossed over her chest.

"I'm waiting. Tell me why you won't leave him."

She still doesn't say anything. She just stares at me.

"One last chance—"

"You want to know why I won't leave him? Huh?"

"Yeah, I do. But I don't think you have a reason to give me. So until you come up with one that's believable, I won't buy it, no matter how hard you try to sell it."

"Asshole!" Her arms fly up and push at my chest, pushing me backwards. I'm so startled, I stumble and almost fall before catching myself. "You asshole! Don't you dare assume anything about me! You know nothing about me!"

"I know plenty about you, Bella. I know you're fiery and passionate and funny and hot as hell, and a tease, too; and just recently I've learned you have quite the temper," I tell her, knowing I've got her bested. "And, anyway, me 'knowing nothing about you' isn't an answer."

"Fuck you! You and your high and mighty attitude!" She lunges at me.

"I—" She shoves me in the chest.

"—love—" Another shove and I stumble backwards.

"—_him_!" One final, resounding push and I'm on the ground.

Bella stands over me, hands balled into fists. "Tell me, Jacob, what you know about loving someone? Huh? I'm waiting." She taps her foot on the ground. "Or losing someone you love? What's that? You're parents are alive? Your sisters are alive? You know _nothing_ about love _or _loss. Don't you dare pass judgment on _me_." She stares down at me, chest heaving with emotion.

Slowly, I rise and stand in front of her, tall and proud.

"You might love him, Bella, but you love me, too. Yes, I might still have my family, but I know about loss. Because I'm losing you. I'm standing here trying to convince you to leave a man who hits you. It pretty much goes against all common sense that I should even have to convince you to leave him. Nothing I'm saying seems to make you realize that you're making a _huge _mistake. But at the same time, I feel like the biggest idiot _and_ a fool because I'm so in love with you…" My train of thought vanishes when I realize what I just said. I just shake my head at my own stupidity and spout off the next thing that comes to mind. "Letting you go is tearing a hole in my heart the size of… of… Russia." She chokes out a bitter laugh. I do too. I shrug. "Texas didn't seem big enough." Her next laugh is actually genuine and I am shocked that of everything I've said my bad humor managed to penetrate her armor.

I reach for her—hoping that maybe my confession made some kind of impact on her—wanting to pull her back to me so I won't be so cold.

"Jacob, I want you to leave me alone." She steps out of my arms before I can wrap them around her and I am assaulted with the coldness of the night around us. A shiver rips through my body.

"I mean it, Jacob." She won't stop saying my given name. I used to live to hear her say it, now it mocks me. Her brown eyes are hard and serious. It's a look I never could've imagined from a face that I've grown to love over these past few months. It scares me. No, it terrifies me. Because I know that this time she means it.

"No, Bella, you can't—" I take a step towards her, aiming to try again to pull her back to me.

Bella takes a step backwards, deepening the divide more palpably. "Yes, Jacob, I can. And I am." There is no second-guessing her words. The ice in them stops me mid-step. Bella keeps backing away from me. I watch her go, frozen in place.

My eyes stay locked to hers. Her decision is made. But if I could only talk to her for five more minutes—if I could only keep her for just a _fraction_ longer—I could make her realize the mistake she's making. Not for hurting me, but for allowing herself to be hurt by him. But every step she takes moves her farther from me and closer to the street. If she makes it out of the park, she's gone.

Suddenly, adrenaline rushes through me. I've got to stop her. I _can_ stop her.

I take a step forward, then another, and another, building momentum to carry me towards Bella. She stops her backwards escape as soon as she sees my intentions.

She lets out a long sigh and I am finally able to pull her back to me. I expect the cold to vanish, but even holding Bella tight against my chest can't keep the ice away. For a second I think I feel her relax but before I process the feeling, she's stiff in my arms.

"Bella ." I barely breathe her name, but the whisper holds so many emotions. Fear, desperation, need, pleading.

"Jacob," she says, looking at my feet. Her eyes snap up to mine and she goes lax in my arms. If I thought her eyes were hard before, this is ten times worse. There is _nothing_ in her expression. She looks utterly bored and indifferent, like nothing matters at all. Like she doesn't have the time to be bothered with me. Like I'm not worth the words she eventually speaks. "You were a distraction—a toy to play with—a mere marionette. I was _never_ serious about you. You were fun for a while, but I'm over it. It would be nicer to say that I'm over you, but there was never anything to begin with." She forces an impassive laugh.

I search her eyes, her expression, her body language for some kind of sign that she doesn't mean what she just said. But nothing I see contradicts her words. Not like before when I could calm her with a touch, excite her with a kiss. The Bella From Kickball and Little Red Riding Hood From Halloween are gone, replaced with this… person… standing in front of me, colder than the snow, and making me question every touch, every glance, every everything I've shared with her since fall.

Her words shatter the cracked and fractured glass that—until now—held us in what I thought was our own perfect world, tucked away from everyone and everything. I can feel the jagged edges slice easily into my heart.

My useless arms fall to my sides and she easily steps out of them. Turning her back on me, she shakes out the tangles I've put in her hair and walks away. I watch her go—I let her go—as the snow swirls gently around me. I throw silent sentences at her retreating figure. Realizing quickly that it's not because they're unspoken that they'll fall on deaf ears.

Of the two of us, I conclude, it is not me that is the marionette.


End file.
